Four Feet High

The problem with edibles is that you never know how strong they are. Not enough and it’s like a waste of an evening; too much and you zonk out. But I hit the sweet spot; my mind is like clear. I can hear everything. Right there, that’s the water heater kicking on. Oh, and listen, there’s a bird outside. That’s nature, man, nature. See how the world fits together. There is no reality, there’s no fantasy, there’s only one big, beautiful universe. We are all connected. Yep, these edibles are potent.

We need a little Pink Floyd, “Is there anybody out there?” Good question. Did you hear that? A knock on the door. Yes, Mr. Floyd, there is someone out there.

Hun, I wasn’t expecting anyone. Maybe I should have taken it easy on the old gummies. Oh well, too late. There it is again. Seems low for a knock. Who reaches down to knock? Whoa, you know what this means? I’m dealing with a three, maybe four-foot creature. I wonder if they have fangs. No, they would be taller, like a vampire. Maybe it’s a leprechaun.

Yes, that’s it; what else could it be? What could they want with me? I didn’t steal their gold or anything. I’ve never even seen it. Chasing rainbows is bullshit; you never find the end. I used to chase them all the time. Tried to get me a big old bucket of treasure. I stopped because leprechauns don’t like it if you take their gold. And they can be vicious. My friend Billy told me they will bite you. Of course, we were ten at the time. I wonder what Billy is doing; probably calls himself Bill now. He was so full of shit.

Okay, I’m going to answer the door, explain I don’t have his gold. If he wants, he can come in and search the place. I’ll be polite. Welcome him into my abode. Won’t make any Lucky Charm jokes, they hate that. He will see there is no gold, and that will be that. Maybe we will have a beer together.

What if it’s not a leprechaun? What if it’s a troll? That’s a whole different situation. Trolls are not known for having reasonable conversations. They come in swinging their ax. My Ikea furniture will be reduced to kindling. This is just great, now I have to deal with a freaking troll.

Where’s my bat? Better put on my catcher’s mask and shin guards. This feels right. I can take a troll. He has an ax, but I have a reach advantage. Man, when I took off work, I didn’t think I would be fighting a troll. I wonder what they are doing. Probably in the break room, laughing about something stupid. Maybe Sharon is there. I should have stayed at work.

Okay, I’m ready. Hmmm, a little girl in a uniform. Bogus man, she must be one of them Nazi youths, the ones that turn in their parents for talking bad about the Reich. I’ll just explain that whatever I said, I didn’t mean it.

I figured it would be cops busting down my door as I took a toke. Not some sweet little girl in a green uniform. Wait a minute, weren’t the Nazi youth uniforms brown? Maybe she is working undercover. But why a uniform? Shouldn’t she have pigtails and ribbons in her hair? I know that would fool me. I would be like, “Hi, cute little girl.” And she would be like, “You’re busted, mister. Enjoy your life in the gulag.” Then men in black would come flying out of a van and slam me to the ground. Man, this is really heavy. I kinda wish she were a leprechaun.

Okay, I’ll open the door. Better take off the mask, but I’m leaving on the shin guards. In case she kicks me. Here goes.

“Hey man, what’s up?”

“Would you like to buy some Girl Scout cookies?”

“Oh yeah, that makes sense. Cookies. Give me some of them, Thin Mints.”

“Sorry, I’m sold out of those.”

“Bummer, man. Are you sure?”

“Yes, Thin Mints are always the first to go.”

“Oh man, they are so good. I can eat like a whole box.”

“I have everything else. They are five dollars a box.”

“Let’s see. Here, give me this much worth.”

“That’s a hundred-dollar bill.”

“Give me a box of each and keep the rest.”

“Gee, thanks, mister.”

“Hey, by chance, did you see any trolls hanging around? ”