Five Minutes

The patter of rain on my window was my alarm this morning, however that had not woken me up. It was the soreness instead that paraded through my body and my head. My eyes fluttered open to peer between the blinds that lay askew looking toward a false paradise against a sullen backdrop. The world boomed centuries after the sun screamed, I remember being told about the bodies our cities were built upon. I squeezed my hand tighter constricting my entirety into my sheets. The bite of silver leaving an impression on my hand as I pulled the chain from my palm. “Five minutes…” my throat felt rough and bare as I uttered those words.

My fingers ran along the heart shaped indentation at the center of my palm, this is what we rebuilt ourselves upon? A question I never really pondered nor even cared for and in five minutes my view was violently shifted. My muscles stung as I took the locket into my other hand and forced myself to sit up from my bed. The sounds of a bustling community droned as I looked over my bedroom, the dresser drawers flipped and turned. The cracked screen of my display that still reported the morning news. I focused on the splintered image, yet I heard nothing the speakers must have been damaged.

Though I’m sure there was nothing substantial to be heard I still sat and watched. Images of a woman reporting on the weather, and some local boy triumph, and finally the purity reports which always ended each segment. “Purity…” As I spoke them I can feel the words slithering from my lips and that feeling was an eruption. Yelling at the top of my lungs I dug into the walls, the screech of nails and a trail of crimson that remained I found myself entranced while my fingertips stung and throbbed. “Daddy…” The small voice called to me and in that moment I felt as if I was outside in the rain, I whirled around to only the emptiness of my room.

“Julie…?” The heat of my tears spilling unto my cheeks surprised me I thought I was done crying, I thought I was empty. I stepped forward to where I heard her, my bare feet crunching the debris of plaster dust and glass as I exited my room. My legs trembling as if instincts were warning me of an approaching danger, I placed my hand to steady myself as I walked the path of remembrance. “Julie’s room…” My hand stopped over the embossed dangling sign with floors and a scrolling hologram marquee. The door felt so heavy as I opened it, that familiar smell wafted while I swore I could see her still playing with her toys.

I could feel myself slipping as my mind slid deeper into that abyss I seldom wake. “Daddy! Look!” the ghost of her excited voice echoing as the memory of her ABC blocks levitating over her palm. I can remember the piercing of contradicting emotions, as I quivered holding the knob of her room door it took everything I had to slam it closed as I did I fell into the wall behind me. My chest heaved as I struggled to catch my breath, the world spun and the taste of metal filled my mouth. Supporting against the wall I clutched my knees as the world went silent. “One..two..three..” counting my breathes I managed to put one foot in front of the other.

Stepping over the frames of trampled memories glass pressing into the soles of my feet. “Five minutes..” the words were a recurring mantra that played on my lips again and again as I traversed our ruined apartment. Each room in this corridor that I pass is a shrine to my sin as I finally reached the entryway to our living space. The table where we once ate lay overturned, her toys scattered torn on the floor, the sofa cushions lifted and tossed. “Fucking coward..” I cursed myself as my knees trembled, sweat that slicked my palm made it hard to hold myself upright. My body screamed though I never lost focus, the light that spilled through the living room blinds cascaded to the articles of my guilt and escape that littered the floor.

I stepped in and lifted the table as I picked up the check and revolver and place them along with the heart shaped locket upon it, tears splashing over the paper as the ink that read “Purity Commission” began to bleed. Lifting the gun I scoffed at the thought of how it could feel lighter than a locket, the chamber clicked as I studied the single round. Spinning the chamber it clicked again as I shut it back, “Coward…” and another click as my lips wrapped around the barrel, but for the first time in months I did not tremble. My finger resting on the trigger everything rushed back and all I could do was smile at how a world can change in five minutes.