FISH & PAIN

»I've never seen anything like that, « she said in awe. “Yeah I know, it’s pretty big.” Semya looked at me and smiled: “You idiot.” I laughed too.

Let me explain, we were looking at our new fish tank. I always wanted to have a huge one in my room, so I bought it. It took a lot of convincing, but after some negotiations, I gave up my precious attic, where I kept my foosball and darts. Since all of my friends were either gone or dead it was pointless and sad to play alone. I didn’t have to experience death until I was 28. I had a terrible breakup that felt like it, but never a real dead person. At 28 my mom died and just half a year later my dad. He couldn’t live without her and I can understand him now. If you spent a lifetime with someone, you become one with that person. Even when you just meet someone and you start to grow feelings, you always have this in your mind. It’s kind of scary. Take a minute now. Think of a person you love the most. Now this person is gone.

I told you I’ve lost all of my friends. There were four of us driving on a road, when a driver hit us. I don’t even remember whose fault it was, my memories of that day are kind of blurry and I was sleeping in the car, so I never knew what exactly happened. Somehow, we turned off the road and hit the tree. They all died either there or in the hospital. I was the lucky one, who got away with a brain concussion, three broken bones and an amputated leg.

My fiancée was standing there in disbelief. “Why exactly do you need this?” “Well, honey, I need it, because I like it. I’ve told you that my parents didn’t allow me to have any pets.” “Yeah, yeah, blah, blah, blah. Just deal with this monstrosity on your own, I’m going out.” That was the last time I saw her too. She never came back home because she...well she was just gone. My life was never meant to be good or great forever. But the times I had with the people I loved, were the best ones. It’s only because of them, I managed to survive and move on.

When I came back home from the funeral, my fish tank was waiting for me there. I stood in front of it, watching my piranhas swim. I took off the lid and put my hand inside. I wanted to feel something, but they didn’t even touch me. They kept swimming in circles around my fingers. Maybe if I was bleeding, they would bite me. I took my hand out and punched the glass, again and again, until my knuckles were bloody, until the glass cracked. It would perhaps take one more punch to break it, but I didn’t. I fell to the ground and cried for an hour. I got up. I got up again and again.

I stuck my bloody hand inside the tank, but the fishes were too terrified. They were in the far end watching me carefully.

“Go, go for it!” I yelled. One of them slowly came closer and once it got the scent of food it came for me. The sharp pain was enough for me to pull my hand out, the fish still stuck on my finger. I could feel it. The pain was sharp. This made me realize, that pain is the only thing that is real.