Final Call

This is the final call for Everair Flight 999.

As we prepare to board, we would like to share some guidance with you to make onboarding smoother for everyone. Or at least as smooth as it can be under these circumstances.

As this flight is fully booked, we ask all passengers to remain seated in the waiting area until called to board the plane. In this way, we can ensure that all passengers are allocated their correct seats and avoid overcrowding the aisles.

Rest assured that everyone in the waiting area will have a seat on the plane. If you have made it this far, you will make it onto the plane despite how crowded the waiting room might seem.

Don't be alarmed if you see more people entering the waiting room as boarding begins. This is normal on our flights, and nobody is ever left behind. As the original and only service on this route, we know how to get everyone on the plane.

Next, we would like to remind you about our carry-on restrictions. In a nutshell: no baggage allowed.

We understand that this is unusual and may cause some alarm to some of you, but with such a full flight, we cannot take on any more weight. Our plane is very well equipped, and you will find everything you might possibly need on board.

We ask for your full cooperation with this, as attempts to hide any baggage will slow onboarding and delay takeoff.

Let us make this very clear. If you try to hide something on your person, we will detect it and confiscate it. All you will accomplish with such behaviour is delay everyone’s journey.

For this flight, there is no need to present your passport since seats have been allocated only to those invited. Trust us, you would not be here if you had not received the invitation.

If you do not recall receiving an invitation and fear that you might be here by mistake, please speak to the allocated member of staff near the entrance. While mistakes are extremely rare, they can happen. Once in a millennium.

However, while we do not require a physical ID, you may be asked some questions to verify your identity. Prepare to answer questions such as who saw you off at the gate, who might be waiting for you at the other end, and your biggest achievements and regrets.

We understand that these questions are unusual, but they are necessary to ensure there are no mistaken identities. It is also a way for us to get to know you even better, so we can provide you with a perfectly personalised experience onboard and at your destination.

Please note that there is no priority boarding on this flight. Everyone is invited to board in the order we see fit. So, do not be tempted to try to speed things up by offering us money or impressing us with your credentials. Money, status, titles - none of that matters here.

Once you get on the plane, please take your assigned seat without delay. Note that you are not allowed to swap seats. Again, this might seem unusual, but we have our reasons, particularly our onboard entertainment.

I probably shouldn't say this, but I have always argued with my seniors that presentation would be a better word than entertainment, because some of our passengers do not find it at all entertaining. Some find it rather distressing. How you will find the presentation depends on... (inaudible).

Ahem, back to the instructions.

As previously mentioned, we have arranged personalised onboard entertainment for each passenger.

Your entertainment will be presented to you via your personal screen, which will switch on automatically after takeoff. You cannot switch it off, even if what you see causes you discomfort. However, this discomfort is only temporary and should ease for most of you fairly quickly.

You should also know that any resistance to watching the entertainment will cause turbulence. Therefore, we strongly advise you to fasten your seatbelt because most passengers experience at least some turbulence along the journey.

There is no need to worry about turbulence because it will not affect the plane or the other passengers. The seatbelt is there simply to keep you firmly in your seat until the turbulence subsides.

We also suggest that you surrender to the experience and process whatever feelings the presentation might bring to the surface. This will allow for a smoother journey. Trust us. We have been doing this longer than you can imagine.

Before our final reminder, we are required to inform you that while everything is ready for you on the plane and at your final destination, you have the right to opt out. If you decide not to board, your ticket will be updated to an as-yet-unknown future date.

But should you wish to do so, we have to warn you that not boarding this flight will not mean returning to what you know. Oh no, it will mean starting again. You see, the door to your old life closed the moment you entered this waiting room.

Of course, the choice is yours. Refuse the flight and start again. Or go bravely forth and discover your next destination.

We thank you for your attention and for listening to these final instructions.

You are now ready to board.

We wish you a safe passage.