Filling the Vo!d

Dark abyss…utterly full of vacancy, a Void, is what I find myself in. The feeling has now become familiar as I lose control of my body. No sight just blinds my mind. My eyelids blink to compensate for the dryness of my eyeballs. It’s then that I realize I had spaced out. Again. I hear the bell ring and the students slowly start emptying the room. University just isn’t fun anymore. I rise from my seat and see my friends approaching.

“Hey, Naila! How’s the preparation for the upcoming finals??” Ah. Study. “I’m still behind!” I force a smile. I am, thanks to my spacing out. “Well! We’re sure you’ll top, given how much you study!” they laugh and I interpret it as them taunting me. That ties a knot in my stomach. A frown forms on my face which they take notice of. Not wanting to explain them I excuse myself from there.

On my way out, my frown is noticed yet again by one of my peers. “What are you worrying about? You should be happy you study the best among us all.” Those words. Like telling a person how colorful the world is when he’s colorblind. I choose not to engage and rush to leave the campus. I feel…….suffocated.

I enter my house and my presence is acknowledged by my mother. “Hey Honey, how was today?” she smiles. “Mmm….kay!” “Your finals are near, right? Study well! We expect good grades from you, big girl!” She cheers & I return a chuckle but a pang of guilt weighs on my chest. The expectations. I make an excuse & go up to my room. I hear a faint voice of my mom telling me to come for dinner. I’ve lost my appetite for a while now and the constant tiredness doesn’t go away. I drop myself on my bed, sinking into the mattress, I let the sleep consume me.

Sunday morning, and it still doesn’t excite me. I just want to spend the whole day lying here. My bubble popped when Mom calls me downstairs. I gather my will to move and proceed downstairs. I am astonished to see who it was. Armeena. My childhood friend had been studying abroad for a year now. Happiness shines on our faces. A feeling that had become foreign to me.

We’re at my dining table, eating. Only my hands stop moving due to lack of appetite. She starts by saying how skinny I’ve gotten and I soon lose track of our conversation. Her words enter through my ear and out through the other. I listen mindlessly as my body drifts into oblivion, yet again making me lose consciousness of reality. A minute or two passes before I’m shaken, at once my senses rush to the surface. “Are you all right? You spaced out!” She looks at me with concern. “How long has this been going on and when did you start losing weight?”

I furrow my eyebrows, “Two…weeks?” now that I think about it. She blinks twice then her eyes widen as if she understood something, then she exclaims, “That explains it! You losing weight, spacing out, this lack of appetite & tiredness!” “And…?”

“I’m doing Psychology as a major and according to what I have studied… You… might have depression.”

The words leave her mouth with a frown. And I’m struck with a piece of information I hadn’t realized till now.

The void was controlling my life, there's none of me. Like a hungry beast that just gets bigger no matter what you feed it—needy and insatiable. This is what I’ve been feeling for the past weeks.

A tear rolls down my left eye as I sink into my chair taking in, thinking of how empty I’ve been feeling, how I drifted away from the things I used to love doing. Armeena comes to my side and places her hand on my shoulder. I feel….warmth. “It’s not too late. You should see a therapist. You’ll be fine, Insha Allah.” Her voice is reassuring, just what I needed at the moment. Help & understanding was what I needed.

I’ll still have to fight the beast tomorrow. But despite all this, I am now smiling. Armeena looks at me, “What?”

I breathe in and then out. “The Void is now filled.”

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear subscribers,

A very warm welcome to you who dropped by. As observed, nowadays the social stigma has worsened mental health problems and prevented people from getting the help they need. My purpose in writing this story is that people may educate themselves and others so that help can be easily accessible to our said fellow brothers/sisters.

If you found this inspiring, be sure to subscribe and like or may be leave a tip for this lonely writer. Your support means so much.

Till next time. ❤️