Fading memories

You weren't there when knowledge conquered fear. It was my very own victory. The biggest I've ever had on you, on me and on everything. Even on fate. You preferred to set me aside and disappear. Yes, I remember that moment fairly well.

You already had left me in 1859 when you decided in a raptus that the two of us weren't anything special anymore and you went away without any reasons, without leaving me anything to cry for.

Tant de saisons ont passé... many seasons have passed. And I still can not understand you, but maybe that was the problem.

I counted too much on you and maybe that was the reason why it burnt so hard even if you did not let me any reasons to cry. Everything I felt was the frustration of void.

Fate wanted that I was already building my ladders to the stars even without you, a ladder that gave a better point of observation, that height that consented me to see more clearly letting me know that I wasn't the only one wrong. Two wrongs cannot make one right. Lesson learnt.

I kept yelling to myself "I'm trying, trying... I don't know how to survive all by myself". Or I did not know how to survive myself.

I watch my path until now and I found out that I'm not that bad and that I was the one to keep myself far away from growth, not you, so yes, you have a point, but just one.

It was a hard time, but I prevailed finding strength in that tune that still sends chills to my spine, Die Tänze Der Bienen, the dance of the bees. What a piece!

It starts charging up with the beat of the drums, it grows stronger and more furious but without giving all out already, then the sweetness of the guitar kicks in and the strings of melancholy and maternity come to cuddle you and disappear quietly to come back to the constancy of guitar, interrupted by a hypnotizing piano, subtle but persistent and then all the instruments play together to capture in their embrace, fading with delicacy in the mellow guitar and piano just so that you can recover from the shock that enveloped you right before, or so that you might think that.

Thanks to that my narrative became more confident: "All Right, I Trust You. Take Me. Show Me", I started to think to myself. Look how far I've come despite your traumatizing absence. I've come to know myself better, to discover aspects of me that I had, silently crawling under my skin, hidden in plain sight, but I did not that they were there.

Another me was revealed to me, the me that can survive you not being there. That was unthinkable for me when I was built around you being my sole constant.

That other me that guided me, but he was not me, in an encounter that never happened...

It was like speaking to you in the mirror, but that was not you, he was the you that you wanted to be for so long but weren't able to because you blocked yourself.

It happened all inside you, in your inner self, with no mirrors, no boundaries, no physical meetings. Only you and your brain finally let free from the chains that you put on yourself.

I had no mean to show the trace we leave of our lives neither to my own eyes. I had just stopped to think how stupid that was. You were bringing me sufferance, why did I have to stick with you?

It still hurts my brain as we're a long way from our home. All these years, all these memories, there was you, but only in my mind.

And now my mind is free. There's no you there. Only me in my best shape and form.

Inspired by Azurandil and his All These Years, All These Memories, There Was You