Mmm I've never been the type
To actively try nor openly seek out the so called outlook
It calls to me like temptation that I just might fall for the hype
Over look the fact that I would have to be vulnerable
That would leave me hooked
Only to end up another man's fool
Only to feel so misunderstood
Exclusivity preached by the tool
Who happened to be just another follower
That truly never really understood
Unapologetic to the fact that I am a 2 for 1
There is me and then there is my attitude
Most men see that as intimidating
To feel better they use "male power"
To shun character development is the excuse
In the end I should be the one expressing gratitude
But for what it may cost
I refuse to pay the price
To be anyone other than myself
Would result in me being lost
To bow down to him
Would be the same as giving him a slice of me
That would be my sacrifice
Yet it still wouldn't suffice
Would you feel satisfied with the end solution?
Could your ego and pride be able to subside with time?
To be exclusive is the same as taking part in a pact
At the end of the day the cost ensue restitution
So if we are able to be exclusive
Honey we are now in a binding contract
Men are always going on about business
So this should be no surprise
In fact, one would think the advantaged lies with them
For the sake of many men, women allow you to think so
Stroke the ego until the fortunate time arrives
Damsel in distress transformed to contract negotiator
What benefits come with exclusivity?
Loyalty?
Love?
Security?
What happens when a woman has all of the above?
What now?
The number of damsels are decreasing
So is the mothering of grown men
Revolution has risen once more
A collective has been awakened to their own self worth
The offering to the table has increased its needs
The minimum bar has been risen
We have the patriarchy to thank for that
Fellas y'all have gone complacent
Many lack the allure of basic decency
Many still feel privileged to the things they see before them
A misinformed birthright that has confused "a privilege" with "privileged"
Take me back to the time where courtship remained alive
Flowers and letters were exchanged to show interest
Action and word went hand in hand
No empty promises to swindle one to thy bed
No false pretenses
Simply love and lust
A time where vulnerability flourished in peace and tranquility
To be a romantic was not naive, vain, nor delusional
It was something to be boastful about
Cheered and celebrated
But times have changed
With change comes evolution
It seems one is being left behind by the other
This is not to shutdown any hopes
The opposite in fact
I hope to re-burn the fire of passion and romanticism
A new age of courtship that has evolved with the times
The first step is self reflection
The reason why men are behind is due to this first step
Society has placed conditioning into the behavior
Modern age adults either lacked guidance or discipline
To attract better one must be better
Body, mind and soul must all be aligned
Letting go of the old conditions
Lack minded behavior or mindsets will only hinder
The cost is costly
The end results are transformative
Once on the journey of self-love and healing
One can never go back
The alignment in oneself has shifted into a different vibration
What once spoke to you in the past
Will be of little interest once the shift has passed
You gain awarness and wisdom
Than and only than can one truly harrnese universal power
The ability to create one's very own existience
This is the exclusivity I choose for my inner peace
Exclusive to those who have done the work
Only when the transformation takes place will you truly understand
Once the awakening occurs
You realize how exclusive your presence has become
About the Creator
TheMoon'sKeeper
A sad Pisces )-(...... in love with the depiction of love and poetry
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Love Through Disillusioned Eyes
Where do I begin? When it comes to you, I always felt the need to apologize. But apologize for what? I know I am not perfect, but neither are you. We’ve had discussions before and you and I are both tired of hearing the words I’m sorry. Is it because the words tinge you with the sense of guilt for all the hurtful things you’ve done to me, or is it maybe that you never took me serious enough to understand where the apology came from? It's unbelievable how the whole world knows my love for you is great, yet nothing has come to pass. If I were to be honest a flat-out rejection would have sufficed over this long period of stagnation of overthinking. Do they know or do they not care enough? Do they not know how to respond back? It can't be blamed for ignorance since even the family knows. But when it comes to saying those words to your face, I'm unable to. This fear of losing what little I have of you has always kept me checked and balanced. However, lately the scales have been tipping and my impatience to see you grow has reached a climatic turning point. Would you believe me if I looked you in your eyes and whispered the words, “I love you”. Or would you dismiss it with a laugh and play it off as if nothing was ever said. It's not like I try to stray away from hiding my emotions in front of you. Yet here I am in an empty bed where you should be just like the old times. When things turn sour, I usually find myself wandering back down memory lane to my favorite night I shared with you. I miss the times at college where it was just you and I. Sex wasn’t the main objective, soft music playing in the background, the heat from your body keeping me warm from a close distance. Far away enough to just barely touch, yet close enough to hear your irregular heartbeat. The even breaths lulling me into a silent peace and sudden comfort; unknown to me with anyone else. A safe space where I could be myself, be listened to, and felt heard. I loved seeing your eyes shine bright whenever you talked about your family and your heritage pride. It wasn’t the type of love you see in fairy tales. Even though from the moment we exchanged looks during that party a feeling of recollection pierced my soul. Never had I ever met another being for the first time while feeling as if we had been acquainted before. You felt familiar as if I had known you from somewhere. I couldn’t quite pinpoint it to a connection in this life but from a past life. My intentions in the beginning were far from pure and emotionally detached. But when I was smashed to pieces you were the only one there to help me pick them right back up. Unlike the other people who came after and found out the truth, you never looked at me as if I was broken. At least you never expressed those sentiments in my presence. Instead, when I was in your arms, I felt more confident, wanted, complete. My feelings for you started off as something platonic yet with every passing day I grew to love a new side of you. You probably were put off by my stares and probably thought that I had harbored hate for you. However, I was waiting and observing to see what new trait would I fall in love with that day. Even with the tribulations, trials, competition, and struggles you put me through I never once hated you. I was just disappointed in myself for allowing myself to stoop to such a degrading standard. Disappointed in the fact that all your friends and family members saw the worth in me. However, I'm still not good enough for you. Your actions do not differ from what has been stated. You lived life to the fullest. That perception of looking at the world was also the way of life I wanted to incorporate into my life. The trait I loved the most about you was the fact that when it came down to things that you wanted you would pursue it with persistence and passion. So, for the last two years I have been waiting. Patiently waiting for the day, you realize that if you wanted to you could. Waiting patiently for the day you realize that I was the one this entire time. Everyone thinks I'm crazy for setting myself up for failure. I don’t know if it was just your charm, but I couldn't escape you. I thought I could, so I didn't reach out to you during that entire year. At that time, you were still stuck in my mind, and all I could do was pray to God that your day went by fine. Even as I sat here and wrote this, if by some chance the day came where you decide to cut ties with me, I still wish you nothing but the best. I hope God blesses you with a partner who can see the potential and greatness within you. I hope they stay by your side and support you through your endeavors. I hope one day you will find someone who you can take the mask off in front of without the fear of being judged for being vulnerable. I hope you find the love you desire because I know that you are lovable even through your fits of immaturity. I still believe that you are lovable. In fact, when you show any type of expression it’s a different experience. It made me want to see more, learn more. I’ve always had a talent for finding hidden gems and you were one of them. Hopefully one day you will allow yourself to be loved and give up the burdens placed on your shoulders and become free to be yourself. The issues we had, on my part, just seemed like you weren’t satisfied, and the lack of respect stemmed from that dissatisfaction or so I thought. This mentality stemmed from a lack of self-love and dependency on reassurance in self. Looking at it now it was clearly codependency and miscommunication. Which could have been resolved with a conversation. But those were difficult to have because it takes two to communicate. If you felt, you were in the right there was no need to talk. You don't know this, or maybe you picked up on it because you are observant. But due to the lack of communication and being ignored, to me personally, it was the same as being silenced. As a child this was how I was neglected. My way of expression was restricted, and I was silenced for being different. Neglect is the emotion tied to being ignored. So, when I went out of my way, I really don’t chase after people, to express how I was feeling and in return was met with discouragement I shut down emotionally. Once I’m discouraged you lose access to that side of me. It was a mechanism I used to cope with all the other feelings I had repressed. I couldn’t speak for you, but I’ve come to understand that you also may have had similar issues of expression. On the outside the silence, the composure exudes unbothered, but the tic of your jaw, the clench of your hand, the tension in your shoulders gave you away. For the most part, your eyes always spoke for you. Everyone wears a mask, it’s naive to think otherwise, and for the most part of my life I could see through them until you came around. At first it was a challenge but overtime I just became curious and intrigued with who you were and who you portrayed yourself to be. Again, I'm sorry for the psychoanalysis but this was what had been on my mind since we met. You were an enigma. I couldn’t do anything about that, but it was up to you to self-reflect and learn to grow. To me you were enough. Every time you pushed me away, I would simply chase. This was due to my own inner child wounds that I neglected to heal and for that reason I normalized toxic behavior. I apologize for the hurtful things I’ve said and done. I acknowledge my part in this stagnation. After deep reflection I’ve realized that there were a lot of things left unsaid and unforgettable actions that caused scars. Even then your defense mechanism has been something I've come to accept and love about you. Yet I would be a liar if I said that the bumps in the road haven't taken their toll on me, my trust, and faith in you. Yet here I am still patiently waiting for you. It's like the phrase goes “what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.” An accurate depiction of my growth since I've met you. You met me in a state of high confidence and got to know me while I was dealing with emotional and mental instability. It wasn't easy to live through it. I could only imagine the impact it had on others around me. That's the reason I stood away for a year. I needed my space to grow and elevate myself emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I played myself into thinking that trip would be the time for us, yet you proved me wrong very early on. Maybe I made you feel too comfortable, or you just didn't take me seriously. When I told you about my secrets it wasn’t to boost your ego it was my way of letting you know that being with you wasn't just to be with you it meant more to me. It was a hit or miss with you because one minute you were hot and the next you were cold. You gave me affection and then threw it back in my face when you brought other people up. Those late nights that I once cherished became cold and lonely. Even though we shared a bed, once you received yours I no longer existed . I thought that we had made some type of connection back then. I was stupid enough to chase those dreams across the country to a different coast with the hopes of confessing my feelings for you. But all that was waiting for me was more competition, regret, secrets, lies, and silence. But it’s ok. I understand that I again didn’t communicate my needs, and I assumed you would take notice. I was in a fight by myself. I now have come to understand and accept the role you have projected on to me. I am at fault as well for I have never vocalized any of these concerns due to the fear of losing you had always stopped me. The night we went out and ended up sleeping on the couch you looked me in my eyes and said, “you only want to use me.” Which I responded with “I’m not interested in having sex with you tonight.” Under my breath I stated, “if only you knew I want more than that”. This wasn't the first time you had said this to me. To be honest it pained me to think that you thought that the only thing I wanted from you was the satisfaction of having you. I'm here to clear up misunderstandings and say that my feelings towards you were never subsurface; that was never the case. I missed the way you held me. Missed the way I felt with you. I was excited. I had really missed you. If only you knew that was just a piece of a whole cake that I wish I could claim. After some relocation and solitude, I thought I was healed enough to express myself one last time and face the consequences. That was the most painful experience I’ve ever gone through, and I felt my heart shatter when you gave me your answer. It threw me back to that night you saved me unintentionally. The battle came with the flashback of that horrible night. It was a rollercoaster of emotions. I never knew. I never would've thought that they would be the one to do to me what they did. I should've known. The voice in my head rang out with truth. I should've turned back, before I saw them for the real them. They were drunk. They were mad. They were jealous. Yet, I ignored all of that. I turned a blind eye. I didn't want to see that side of them. I wanted to believe they were different. I thought you to be my haven, but that wasn't true. They became my hell; only if for those long 5 minutes. They did what they did. You broke me just as quick. Did you know? Did you finally notice that I already knew; I found out the next day. Was this your way of getting back at me? Did you not ever hold respect for me? I said what I said. I am a person who deserves respect. You were a person who took whatever you wanted just because you could. You disregarded my emotions. The betrayl of your actions triggered that flashback. The pain caused by your actions in term mirrors the pain I felt on that day when my soul was stripped from me and you had to help pick up the pieces. I still remember the pain so clearly. Unspeakable events reoccurring over and over again. Their arms holding mine down. Their stale breath against my ear. The rhythmic beat lasting for all eternity; like an endless loop in my head. I was a mess. Eyes bloodshot red from the tears. My body was left broken and sore. Their signature handprint around my neck. Let me be clear, for I could not say it that night. Imagine me before you just as I was. Picture the tears streaming down my face; the tears that you ended up wiping away. You could not look me in my eyes so don’t plead for forgiveness I have none to give. I want you to know that what they did to me was the greatest of all sins and though God may forgive I do not. They said they cared for me but I can not forget that their actions were committed out of hate. A crime against another human. That's what they did, and I haven't been the same since. Thank you for being there but that burden does not belong to you, nor do I claim it. The pain you caused was second to that. I want to hate them. I feel so much anger and I hope they suffer just like I had to. I want them to crumble in self guilt because this is what they did. Life has become very tedious. In this moment now, all motivation is seeping away into the cracks that they’ve made. The more I tried to repress these evil emotions the more damaged I became. My will was at a loss. My tears had no shame. Day by day. Through nightly routines I hide my pain. Yet none of this could change my fate. My friends remembered me as a girl that embodied the sun. A girl so different from who I was, who I’ve become. I lost myself in the end and I had no way to come back. I used to be happy. I was loving and supporting. Now I sleep my days away waiting patiently for the day I don’t wake. Was this my cry for help? Maybe it was. At one point, I might have hated the world I lived in. I hated the body god blessed me with. My life turned gray. My sleepless nights were restless. Dreams turned to nothingness. I went through the simple motions. Wake up if it was a good day, go to class without even eating, come back home while avoiding the mirror, go to work, lay sleepless until morning, and repeat. God, universe, ancestors forgive this naive girl for she fell for the lore. It was due to the rose-tinted glasses she wore that she couldn't take the leap and soar. She didn't want to let them go. They couldn't come to terms that she said no. You said take it for what it was. Yet you couldn't see the romance I could have offered thee. My love language was odd and unique so of course you couldn't see me. I thought that you knew, but you responded with who, how, when, and where. You just didn't care and to me that just wasn't fair. All that I wanted was for you to share. Not your things, not your money, but what made you, you. What caused you to become sonder and that which brought joy too. I wanted to know your hobbies, but it was trust that was due. I wanted to know that I could be your haven just like you were to me and be able to soothe you. I now realize that they never asked for my permission. I never asked to be put in that position. I was stuck in my neverland, and you shattered those glasses and brought about realization. I've been in stagnation. Mortified into concrete left with my frustrations. Before you, I had never loved a person to the point I lost myself in the dedication just to feel distracted. Forevermore reminiscing on the possibilities knowing they must repent in damnation. To be damned not by love but losing oneself. May this pain in my heart tame the pride to save myself. The headaches from the lack of crying must be released to save yourself. The ego has been laid to rest with a tomb anointed laying rest to thyself. Though the rejection of my love has taken its toll. I will not remain bitter nor jaded for I am not a troll. I will hold my head with poise for I am crowned by the Sol. Abundance and love will find me, until then I will regain focus on my goal. The partner I seek is also seeking me. They will be able to reciprocate my love, together we will be at peace. Universe I relinquish my hold and set those who are not meant for me free. I am lovable and I will remain patient during my awakening. May you hear my plea. I am trying to move forward with my life, and I'm focused on establishing my career. I want to find an equal partner but I'm in no rush. I want to grow. I plan on sticking to my promise to myself and God. After you, I’ve come to realize the effects of a soul tie. It sounds horrible, but I don’t want to experience this type of intensity with another person regarding my love life. I don’t think I ever will; you were different. I hope that you continue to pursue your life dreams and goals. But as of now I have to say goodbye to you. So, goodbye to my first love. Hello, to the new love of my life; me.
By TheMoon'sKeeper4 years ago in Fiction
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