Ex Nihilo

The deafening hum of silence surrounds me.

Days like this are especially excruciating as my soul has an un-obstructed view of my thoughts and memories. Thoughts that I would rather not think and memories that would be best locked deep in the corners of my mind. There’s something about silence that brings them out.

Desperate for avoidance, I fish into my old JanSport backpack. It’s seen better days, but I’ve had it since my first year of college. It’s one of two things that remain from what was. The other is the heart shape necklace that I’ve just reeled out of the backpack.

Attempting to outdo the silence, I zip the pendant back and forth across the chain, offering a subtle underscore to the narrative that is now confidently monologuing.

These thoughts aren’t new. My mind is wasting time trying to convince me of something that has long been decided. Perhaps it’s the dirty hue of the overcast smog that hangs over my head, reminding me that I am the king of this derelict jungle. A king and his kingdom of nothing.

Perhaps this was the plan all along, if there is such a thing. I remember the stories as a young child that were told over donuts and orange juice, sitting not so quietly in my corduroy pants and buttoned plaid shirt that grandma had gotten me. God had created out of nothing.

Ex Nihilo.

This was the phrase that Suzie had taught me. Out of nothing, God created everything. She was a Bible major and had hopes of being a missionary. She wanted to go to the corners of the world, into the most devastated places to make a difference.

This is the kind of place I would have pictured her in.

She was so smart. Kind. She was incredible. The kind of girl that you couldn’t get enough of; not because of her beauty, which was in full supply, but because her spirit was so captivating, that you were held hostage by her.

I loved her. I- love her.

My eyes catch the heart necklace and a bittersweet smile dances across my face.

It was the summer of 2018. Funnel Cakes in hand, we laughed our way through the fairgrounds. Suzie wasn’t the kind of girl that wanted you to buy her things, but she loved fair games. I remember the necklace catching her eye, wedged between a life-sized plush penguin and a highlighter colored inflatable baseball bat. The game was ring-toss. She gave me that look, and I pulled the cash I had from delivering pizzas out of my JanSport backpack.

First toss.

It was as if it was meant to be. It was as if there was a plan. It all made sense.

Now, nothing makes sense.

Was the plan that from nothing, everything would be created, and that it would all return to nothing? Well, almost nothing. Just me, and a JanSport backpack, and a little heart necklace.

Tears begin to form in my eyes and slowly drip. These are complicated tears that have been concocted with elements of sadness, love, anger, resentment and guilt. Tears that I have quelled for such a long time now run free into this world that has become my kingdom.

It was cancer from radiation exposure. It was terminal. I was devastated.

This was a girl who would do anything for anyone, and because the government cut corners, she was exposed in that little apartment down the road from the plant. The dreams of a future in third world countries together with her suddenly begin to vanish and became mutilated, twisted fantasies of revenge.

As she deteriorated, something grew within me. There was a vicious drive, pushing me to do something ungodly, something that Suzie could never ordain.

I loved her so much, that I just couldn’t let her die without justice.

I bought this old house with a fallout cellar; told her that we were going to live out her remaining days together. I was holding her hand when I did it. One hand grasping to the beauty of love and the other executing the vile, broken plan that had festered in darkness and would fracture everything in the world.

One stroke on a keyboard, and every nuclear plant on the planet malfunctioned at once, bringing a storm upon all people that no-one would escape.

No-one except for me. The new dictator of this fallen world.

Perhaps this was the plan all along. In what could only be called fortuitous timing, Suzie breathed her last along with everyone on the outside, leaving me alone in the bunker.

Years alone with the bones of the one you love will harden you.

So here I sit, on a throne of rubble. The King of nothing and his treasure; a JanSport backpack and a heart necklace.