Even the Ghosts Want Me to Leave

What if I told you that there was a place where you could be with loved ones that you have lost? A place both beautiful and cruel where your deepest wish comes true? But what if I told you that if you left, you would lose everything - would you stay or would you go?

I chose to stay.

*****

The phantom music weaved through my soul as I spun and spun and spun. Cold hands caught me by the waist and a deep laugh rumbled through my bones. "Watch yourself darling, you'll spin through the floor." My father always loved to tell me that. It makes me smile even though I am no longer the little girl spinning with skirts in hand on the worn wooden floor of our old home. I'm now the young woman spinning with skirts in hand on the moss grown stones of a ruined castle. "You know I can't resist," I reply and look at his shoes. Sometimes I can't look at his face. The giant slice on his neck indicating how he died is too much. "I know, sweet girl, but you must be careful." he says.

I turn from him and cross the cold floor of the great hall to a dirty seat beneath a blown out window and look around. There is no name for this place. A castle high in the mountains, deep in the forest, long forgotten by the people who matter. Sitting around our hearth as a child my mother would tell us stories of the castle that would make your desires come true, but as soon as you stepped back over the threshold you would never see it or your treasures again. The fact that I managed to find this place tells you how desperate I was. My deepest desire - to see my father, my mother, my brother all brutally taken from me too soon - was beyond words. We had lived in a sleepy village on the outskirts of a dark forest. Eventually the outside world that raged with spiteful kings and angry politics found our quiet one. The spiteful kings wanted more land, more soldiers, more everything. And they took it. Some, like my brave and virtuous father, paid a price for fighting back. I still hated that I survived. The only one in the entire village.

I stand and look out the window at the sunlight filtering through the leaves of the canopy above. The forest has claimed this castle for its own. Trees grow in the great hall, flowers in the chapel, ivy up the remaining pillars. It is a beautiful place, even in its destruction. Any place is beautiful if it is hidden from the chaos of the outside world.

"I'm going to see brother now," I state and find my way through empty halls to the courtyard. Brother could always be found in the courtyard on a bench looking toward the stables. He loved horses in life and spent as much time with our old draft horse as he could. Too bad a soldier's horse trampled him to death. I find him in his seat on a concrete bench gazing longingly at the small paddock area near the stables, the light of the day quickly beginning to fade. "How are you today sister dear?" he asks and takes my hand with his good one. The entire right side of his body is misshapen and crumpled. Blood and bruises on his forehead speak louder than any words. "Just fine brother dear. And how are you?" I reply. It is the same everyday. He lifts his good shoulder in a shrug. I sigh inwardly. I don't think the response of "just fine" will be something that I ever hear from him. Today, I dare a question I've never asked "Does it hurt to stay here brother?" He looks at me and holds my gaze. "The only feeling I have is that of despair for you, sister. " I look away and count my breaths. I look back at him and smile, "Off to mother," I say and rise from my seat.

I pick my way through the rubble and weeds to the chapel. What once would have been a place of prayer to gods is now a place of prayer to the forest. I find mother kneeling in a pew, hands clasped tight in prayer, her clothes dirty. If you look at her from the front, you'd never see the axe wounds in her back. She finishes her prayer and sits back in the seat next to me. "Darling girl you are back," she scolds. "Always mother." I reply and fold my hands. Prayers did not save our village, but I still pray to this place. To the forest. Grateful for my gift, but still wishing for more. My mother does something different today. She grabs my face in her hands, dirt embedded beneath the nails. "You need to let us go." I turn my face and stand. "The world is nothing without you mother. Or father. Or brother. The world is a terrible place. I am safe here. I have you." I plead. She shakes her head, "We are not enough. You are so strong - why do you think you are the only one to have lived? The only one able to tell our tale?" I look away. "I only did what you told me, mother. I rode to the nearest village with warning and I shot my arrows at all who threatened me." "It is no simple thing to fight back my love. So many lives saved because of your warning and arrows. I am just sorry for what you returned to." She says. I sit again. "It is too hard to leave. The loneliness would devour me." She laughs, "But child you would never be alone. I have prayed to this place for a gift for you. They have granted my wish." I look at her stunned. "You must live and we must rest." She whispers. She claps her hands and we are standing at the boundary of the castle. My father and brother standing beside me, looking more pale and tired than I have ever seen. I know what is right, what I must do, the courage I must find. There were no words that I could say to make our parting easier. So I hold all of their gazes while stepping backward across the threshold and repeat with every ounce of my being, "You must rest and I must live." As soon as my foot lands on the ground, the castle is gone and in its place a large overgrown willow tree swaying gently in the soft night. A barn owl looks down at me with ancient eyes that know far too much. I smiled and am thankful for my gift.