el regalo

her face flashes like a distant memory

one i sometimes forget to recall

she left no traces of her presence

like she never existed at all

if you told me it was a dream

i would believe it to be true

her face

slips from my grasp

spills into the air

then fades away

memories haunt me

they’re a silent reminder that i’m alive

not truly living

livid with her imprint stuck in mind

her quiet whisper

soft voice in my ear

te amo

slowly slips away into nothingness

almost like it was never here

I was 12 years old when I was left to fend for myself in this world, going from foster home to foster home. I was abandoned 2 other times, tossed out like trash at a curb. For a while, I thought she wanted the best for me, like maybe she wasn’t able to provide for me and she wanted to give me my best shot in life. As the years went by though, I realized my speculations couldn’t possibly be true. If she truly wanted the best for me, she could’ve at least found me a proper home instead of simply vanishing into the mist. forcing me to question my worth, forcing me to internalize everything and keep everyone out. Having to deal with not being wanted and getting treated like a game of Jenga no one dared to touch for fear I would simply fall apart and my mess would be far too troublesome to pick up. I guess I understand why everyone at the academy seems to keep their distance even when they seem so close. I arrived here at 15 and I’ve spent two years aching for the moment I can leave, for the moment that I can finally be free.

“Reno you’re daydreaming again... If you don’t pay attention to Ms. Lane she’s going to have your head!” Lucy whispered.

“She isn’t going to do anything more than put me in isolation and I’ll just end up daydreaming there, it’s really no big deal.” I shrugged.

Lucy leaned over to my desk. “Look I know you’re almost old enough to leave this prison but you do know they can hold you back under the account that they believe you’re a danger to society and could potentially hurt yourself or others, right?”

I yawned. “Bro, my records are cleaner than the fish tank in Mr. Cruz’s office; they really don’t have anything on me to try and hold me back.”

Lucy grimaced. “He doesn’t even change the filter on that thing, anything is cleaner than that fish tank.”

“Exactly, so I’m good! Thanks for looking out though.” I smiled and then turned forward with my arms behind my head and my eyes closed.

Lucy shook her head. “Aish, when will this kid listen.”

I’m not a bad kid, I don’t cause trouble for anyone or really ever disobey. I just sort of mind my own business and go about my day. Why make things more difficult than they have to be? I’ve never tried to get close to anyone here either, for what? I’m going to leave soon anyway so there’s no point in trying to build connections with these people. Despite that, I do care for the kids here in a weird little way. I would help them if I could and I will always wish the best for them because I know that they haven’t been dealt the best hand in life. We’re all pretty similar, broken souls trying to find a place in life where we can feel accepted or maybe even loved. This is why I vowed that when I get out of here I would create our place, our very own anti-academy. A place where people actually care and genuinely try to help you. A place where you feel safe and wanted and get help to become better. I will make it come true, I will bring it to life no matter what it takes.

A new kid walked into the classroom which caused me to look up.

“Yes, Stream?” Ms. Lane asked

He looked towards me and said, “Dr. Kalen wants to speak with Reno.”

Puzzled, I asked, “What for?”

“Stop asking questions and report yourself immediately, don’t keep him waiting.” Ms. Lane said firmly.

I stood up from my seat and headed straight for the door following Stream until we finally reached our destination.

Stream looked at me with concern and said, “Good luck bro, he ain’t looking too happy.”

I patted his shoulder and said, “Good looks man.”

I entered Dr.Kalen’s office and was baffled at who was there.

Confused, I said “Inez? Kara? What are you guys doing here?”

Inez half smiled and said, “We’re here to take you home.”

“What? Why?! I only have a few months left!” I exclaimed.

Kara uncrossed her arms and said, “Right, so it’s not like it matters so pack your stuff, we’re leaving.”

I looked to Dr.Kalen who didn’t seem too happy, he looked away from me and towards my adoptive parents.

“You heard them, pack your stuff immediately.”

“But I don’t understand why now?? I haven’t talked to you guys in months and I’ve already been here for two years! Why are you guys all of a sudden coming for me? I thought you didn’t want me? Isn’t that why you threw me in this place? Huh?” I exclaimed.

“Do what you’re told and ask questions later Reno. Get to it, we don’t have all day.” Kara said firmly.

Inez looked at me with soft eyes, “Look just do as you're told okay? I promise we will answer all your questions later.”

I looked in between Kara and Inez and placed one final glance at Dr.Kalen before walking out the door silently. However, I hesitated when I heard their voices speaking with him.

“What I would like to know is, why are you taking him out now? You must be desperate, paying twice the amount of tuition just to take him with you. I’m pretty sure I recall the day you left him here, didn’t you say “we don’t want to deal with him anymore”? Why the sudden change after two years?”

I heard Kara’s voice respond “How about we triple the amount so you can keep your mouth shut and stay out of our business? It’s not like you even give a damn about these kids or what happens to them so stop asking stupid questions and just get the paperwork done.”

I thought to myself, “The hell is going on?” but I figured the best way to find out was to pack my stuff and go with them. Despite not having the best relationship with Kara, I knew Inez was a decent person. Kara was always the one who didn’t really want me, Inez was the one who wanted to adopt me out of every kid. I guess it isn’t her fault for ending up with a kid as fucked up as me but I also didn’t ask for this. I didn’t ask for them to adopt me, they should have known what they were getting themselves into and have been prepared for being parents and not just people who abandon a child when things get tough especially when that child needs them more than anything. Nevertheless, I packed the few belongings I had, since I’m not very attached to material objects, and headed back to the office to meet Kara and Inez.

Once I arrived I said my final goodbye to the prison I was placed in and prepared myself for the hell hole I assumed I was heading towards now. We left the building and reached the car outside, once we were on our way “home” Inez finally decided to speak up and break the silence.

She turned in her seat on the passengers’ side to look at me and said, “I know you must have many questions and I know you might hate us but I promise we will try to make it up to you. There have been a lot of things that have been going on and I know it might be a little too late but we realize that we shouldn’t have left you in that place and abandoned you. You’ve already been through so much and you’re such an important and special boy. We should have stepped up as parents, it’s what we signed up for. I just hope one day you can forgive us, we do have a present waiting for you at home though. We’re sorry Reno, truly. We will make it up to you if you’ll allow us.” She gave me a soft smile and reached to touch my hand which was resting on my thigh. I flinched back a little just looking at her hand until I looked up at her and just gave her a small smile. I want to trust her but I just don’t know yet, why now?? What surprise? I just had so many questions running through my head but I decided to wait until we reached our destination.

She smiled back at me and turned back around in her seat, Kara had said nothing the whole ride she just kept glancing at me from time to time through the rearview mirror but I didn’t care. It’s not like she and I have ever really gotten along so I didn’t expect anything from her, and I’m pretty sure this was yet again Inez’s Idea.

I don’t know at what point I fell asleep but all I remember is Inez gently shaking me awake and letting me know that we had arrived. I went to get out and grab my stuff from the trunk when Kara said “Leave it, later.” and walked off without so much as a word.

Inez went next to me, smiled, and said: “Don’t worry too much about her, she's just in a mood, come inside in a hurry you don’t want to keep your gift waiting!”

Confused, I mumbled to myself “Keep it waiting?”

We headed inside and Inez led me to the living room where my “gift” was. We reached the living room and there was someone seated on the couch with their back facing me in the doorway.

My eyes widened slightly, and I felt my entire body run cold. Like someone dropped a giant bucket of ice water on me and my breath got caught in my throat. As she stood and turned around to face me I collapsed onto my knees and whispered “No..”

I just didn’t understand how this could be happening… THIS is my gift??? I swallowed and I suddenly found my trembling voice, “...mama?”

She smiled at me with that venomously sweet smile.

“Yes mijo, it’s me. It’s me, tu mama.” she started walking towards me as I looked towards the ground in confusion and whispered, “I have so many… so many questions.” She knelt with me and gripped my chin gently making me look her into her teary eyes. I turned away, making her hand lose its grip and turned to Inez and Kara who were looking from the doorway. Inez gave me a slight smile and mouthed “It's okay, talk to her.” and they walked off into another room leaving me alone with the first person who abandoned me and made me question my worth and existence.

I looked back to hear and said “Porque estas aqui? Why now?” She looked at me and then looked towards the ground, guilt, and regret flooding the room in its stench. “Lo Siento, I'm so sorry I left you. I shouldn't have, I know that now. I should have taken you with me, pero I feared for our lives.” She looked back up at my eyes and said, “I feared for your life mijo, I wanted you to grow up without any fear, I wanted you to live a normal life. I wanted to give you your best shot, but as the years went on I just found it harder and harder to be away from you. I missed you so much and I know how closed off you are. I know how lost you can get in that little inner world of yours.” She tapped my head with her finger and then caressed my head with her palm. I pulled away in confusion with my eyes squinted at her

“What are you talking about? Why would I be living in fear? What do you mean you wanted me to live a “normal life”? You better tell me everything right now, now's the time to come clean mama.” I said firmly.

She folded her arms on top of her thighs, still kneeled on the floor in front of me. “Okay mijo, okay I will tell you everything. It’s time you knew, I owe you that much.” She stood up and took my hand gently leading me towards the couches. I sat on the couch across from her and she proceeded to speak.

“It all started when I met your father, I had gone out to the bar with a few of my girls for my 21st birthday at one of the most popular Mexican bailes in Los Angeles. We were having fun doing our thing drinking and dancing when your father approached me and asked me to dance. He was truly a very handsome man pero he had this aura about him that just blared flashing red lights and flags to me. I was very tipsy at that point so unfortunately I said yes. We danced all night and next thing I know I'm waking up in his bed completely naked. I freaked out and immediately rushed out and left not wanting to even think about what had happened. Pasaron los meses and I started feeling nauseous every day, throwing up everywhere even at work which made things very very difficult for me. I was so scared because I just had a gut feeling that I knew what it was but I just did not want to believe it until I started showing more and more. Eventually, I couldn't lie to myself anymore and decided to keep you despite not knowing if I would be able to provide for you but I refused to give up. I gave birth to you and I felt like the happiest woman in the world. That is, until one day when you were 2; I was out at the park with you and I ran into your father. He had been looking for me since I left so suddenly and no one had ever done that to him. We talked for a bit and he saw you but I didn't dare tell him you were his, I told him that I had a husband and that's why I left. He bought the story and wished me luck in life and said if I ever needed him to let me know and left his number. I thought I had really saved myself and everything was fine now but I was oh so wrong. The next day I was watching the news when I saw his face pop up, they had been looking for him because he is the head of a cartel. The blood immediately drained from my face and I broke down. What was I supposed to do now?? It was a lot of planning and everything was so difficult but I decided to move us to Chicago where we could keep lowkey and hopefully, he wouldn't find us there but I just always kept alert in case he somehow found out you were his son. The years went by and nothing happened, I never heard from him again, but as you started to grow older you just looked more and more like him and every time I looked at you I just saw him. I grew terrified that we would be found despite the measures I took to erase my life before you from existence, changing my name and getting false documents saying I had been in Chicago since I was little. I spent so much time and money just trying to make it work until one day I just… couldn't. I broke, I didn't want to have to keep looking over my shoulder and I wanted you to be able to live a normal life. I never wanted him to find you because I was afraid of what would happen if he knew of you. I realize now that I should have just been honest from the start. I mean I'm sure he would not have even wanted anything to do with us either way and we could have come to an arrangement but I was a coward and I ran and made you run with me. Abandoning you and making you go through more pain than any child should ever go through. I should've been there, I should have been your mom and cherished you and we could have figured it out. I messed up, I messed up the one good thing I had and I just want a chance to make it right. You are my entire world Reno, everything I do is for you porque te amo and I just need you to know that I am so terribly sorry for everything I've done. For not taking your feelings into account, for leaving you without any explanation, for just now showing up, for being such a horrible mom, for everything. I mean that, from the bottom of my heart. Quiero hacerlo bien, si me dejas.”

She was sobbing at the end and I couldn't help but shed a few tears too. It must have been so difficult living her life in fear all just to give me my own life to live when she could have just aborted me or given me up for adoption from the jump. I wish I had known, I wish I had known that she was trying her best then but at least I know now.

I looked at her through teary eyes and whispered “Perdoname, I am really grateful for everything and I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Te amo mama, gracias por dar tu vida para darme la mía.”

She smiled at me and reached over to hug me but I just felt so overwhelmed.”Perdon mama, I just need some time. This is all really hard to grasp and I just need time to think, I just think I need a bit of fresh air. Okay?” I gave her a weak smile and rubbed my tears away with the sleeve of my shirt and stood up.

She looked at me and whispered, “It's okay mijo, I know it's a lot to handle but everything will be okay I promise.” She held my hand and I let her for a few moments before walking towards the front door.

I gripped the handle and opened the door.

they say there's always a calm before the storm

and this storm hit me with the force of a thousand suns

they say that your life flashes before your eyes

but all i saw was white

looked down and i saw red

felt my body collapse on the concrete steps that held me like my mom used to before she left

if only she hadn't left

why did she go?

where is she now?

i heard her piercing scream

mi bebe!

felt her arms wrap me up like she was afraid id fall apart

maybe evaporate in her hold

but all i could see was her face

her doe-like eyes and sweet lips which spilt words that masked her sinister smile

how could i be so stupid

Inez stared at me with no remorse as i stared at the barrel of her gun pointed at me

why?

i couldn’t understand why

all i knew was that i got to spend my last moments

last breaths

in the same arms, i had been aching for since she had left

her sweetness caressed my face

as i looked into her eyes for one last time

i felt my soul slowly leaving my body

te amo, mama

te amo, hijo

slowly slips away into nothingness

this time, she was here