Eat It Too

"Are you just going to stare at it or eat it?"

"Does it matter?"

"You’re paying for it. I guess its up to you what you do with it but you've been sitting at my bar for 45 minutes staring at a piece of cake and not ordering anything else."

"I can go to a table if I'm bothering you."

"I'm not trying to rush you, you just seem a bit troubled thats all. Do you want me to call someone for you?"

"I will move."

"You don't need to move. Its Monday afternoon, you are literally the only person in the bar. Just sit there. I'll leave you to it, whatever it is.............Is there something wrong with the cake? I can get you a new piece..."

"Its perfect. It has nuts."

"Okay. Then I'm going to walk over here, and if you need anything, a glass of milk?"

"No"

"If you need anything just ask."

"Have you ever had a headache?"

"What? Wait a sec I can't hear you from over here."

"Have you ever had a headache?"

"Well yeah, of course I have had a headache. Everybody has had a headache at some point. Is that it then? You have a headache? I have some Tylenol in the back I can..."

"I've had a headache for 32 years."

"32 years. That doesn't sound like a headache brother, not trying to frighten you but that sounds like a brain tumor or something."

"Its not that type of headache. I'm not even sure its in my head at all. Sometimes my head just feels like a balloon someone is blowing into, but they don't know when to stop and the balloon keeps getting thinner and thinner until you are sure it will pop."

"I have something for that too. Its called whiskey my friend. Here, this ones on me. Usually when people go to bars they don't ask for cake, they ask for whiskey, and they do it to get rid of the feeling like their heads are gonna pop. I honestly don't even know why I bring cake except my wife likes to watch Food TV and bake every damn thing she sees and if someone doesn't eat it I'll be huge. Usually the staff eats the cake. I think yours is the first piece of cake I've sold in months, and you know what, its on me too. Free cake."

"Whiskey doesn't help. The balloon feeling doesn't ever go away. Sometimes its bigger than others. Sometimes there is a sound...like air escaping from a hose. Sometimes the sound stops and I wonder what went from where to where. Did my brain seep out of my skull a bit or did my skull jab into my brain?"

"Have you seen a doctor?

"Not the right kind. I don't want to see the right kind for this."

"Does cake help?"

"The cake has nuts. My mom always made chocolate cake with nuts."

"Well there you go, good old mom."

"I'm allergic to nuts. If I eat nuts I die. But my brother loves nuts in chocolate cake, or at least he pretends to, so she always made the cake with nuts...My mom always said I was pretending not to like nuts. I almost died once, but she said it was because I didn't thank God for the cake."

"I hope you don't mind me saying so but thats pretty fucked up."

"You think so."

"Yes, what the fuck man, don't you think so?"

"I don't know. Maybe I did make it up. Maybe the part of my brain that knows the truth is seeped out. Maybe if I eat this cake I'll know."

"You aren't eating that cake. Not here. Give me the cake."

"No. I paid for it."

"Well actually no, you haven't, and honestly I don't care if you came in with it in your pants, you aren't eating cake that may or may not kill you in this bar. Give me the cake."

"DON'T TAKE THE FUCKING CAKE!!!"

"I guess I have to call the cops then, cause you aren't going to die in this bar. You give me back the cake or I call the cops...Alright, I'm calling the cops..."

"Here, you can have it. I will go now."

"You need to see the right kind of doctor. This shit is not okay. What's your name brother?"

"I don't have a name. I don't need a name. I never existed. Thank you for the cake. Have a good life."

"Wow. Get help man."

"You were all the help I needed, bye."

"Hey, wait, wait a second, theres a bite gone. Don't go out that door! Come back here! Shit, shit, shit."

******************

"9-1-1 whats your emergency?"

"This is going to sound crazy but this guy just came in and deliberately ate a piece of cake with nuts and told me he's allergic to nuts and then he just walked out."

"Yeah he does that."

"What? You know this guy?"

"Yeah, at least once a week he does that. Where are you located?"

"The Wet Bar on Third and Main street, but what the hell, so he isn't allergic to nuts?"

"Oh no, he's deathly allergic to nuts."

"What a dick. I mean seriously, what a dick move to do this to people."

"I guess so. I've dispatched an ambulance to your area."

"You guess so? You don't find this to be a problem?"

"Of course its a problem. The ambulance crews mostly hate this guy. The ER staff can't stand him either. Always seeking attention they say. But he isn't lying. He tells the same stories over and over but they are all true."

"Well its a dick move. What if I didn't call you?"

"He would probably die. Someone always calls. Miraculous really."

"I should go check if he's dead outside my door."

"Up to you. Help is on the way. I can stay on the line until they arrive."

"No. I better go check on this guy. I'm using an old ass wall phone so I have to hang up."

"Okay sir, crews should arrive in approximately 7 minutes. Thank you...And hey, his name is Eddie."

**********

"Eddie, its cold out here. I called an ambulance. You should wait inside...Eddie? Hang in there Eddie...There's something I forgot to mention. My wife is allergic to nuts too. She makes the chocolate cake with nuts just for me, cause that's the way I like them, and I never eat them. She thinks I do but I just leave them here for everyone else, then I go back and tell her it was delicious. She has to wear gloves when she makes the cake so she doesn't accidently eat some of the dust from the nuts. Crazy, right? I mean, why go through all that trouble for me? I guess she loves me. Thats all I know. She's my wife, and out of 8 billion people on this planet we wound up together and she risks her life to make me cake. Then you come along and try to die with that damn cake. I don't exactly know where I'm going with this Eddie except to say, she doesn't owe me shit, and I don't owe her shit, but she still does these things for me. My mom doesn't really give a damn about me either, but I found someone who does. These people exist. So you know what, Eddie? You look purple as shit right now, and I'm not sure the ambulance is coming on time but you hang the fuck on okay. And if you do, you can come here tomorrow and get another piece of cake from me, loaded with nuts. I'll ask for extra nuts tonight, and you can stare at that damn cake for the whole day, I don't care, and you can figure out why you keep doing this, cause I don't know, but I want you to know. I want you to know I give a shit enough to let you decide whether you want to live or die every damn day if you need to. I don't know you from 8 billion other people, but someone has to care and its gonna be me."

*************

"Well there he is, ole Eat It Too. Are you the one who called?"

"Yeah, I own this bar. Whats ole Eat It Too mean?"

"Yeah, thats what we call him. Eddie "have your cake and eat it too". One day he'll learn ha ha."

"I'm his brother."

"Oh, sorry man. We didn't mean anything by it. No offense, we just see him a lot. If he would stop it with the cake that would fix a lot of things."

"Maybe. I will see you boys tomorrow. Me and Eddie will be right here waiting. He's going to have his cake, and he's going to eat it too. I will make sure of it. Now you just get your job done so we can make this date happen."

"You're just as nuts as he is."

"Yes I am. Yes the fuck I am. Nuts is obviously what he needs."