Ears

Usually on Thursday morning I treat myself to a drip coffee and a chocolate croissant at my favorite place on Sunset Blvd in Silverlake. But on this particular Thursday I had a moment of hesitation since my boss kept pinging me about edits for the pilot we’ve been developing, but I just needed this moment to myself. I’ve been dying to get out of the house to feel the warm December sun, plus Silverlake makes for great people watching. It usually sparks the question, does anyone actually work in LA?

I get to the coffee shop where I approach the counter, immediately I freeze up. This employee looks new. “Shit did I, Yep.. Phew..” I brought my notebook. The last customer finishes and I approach her.

I observe the new girl's mouth moving. I think she’s saying something like, “Good Morning, What can I get started for you?” I pull out my notebook and flip to the tab marked “Coffee”.

“Hi there, May I please order a Drip Coffee and a Chocolate Croissant, warmed up?” My notebook speaks for me.

I would try and pronounce the words to her, but I’m still a bit nervous when it comes to new people. What if I say something wrong, or I don’t speak like how I think I used to?

She rips a piece of receipt paper off. Her multicolor gel nails scribble something back.

“I’ll bring it to you when it’s finished, and this one is on the house”. Her note says.

She winks and smiles at me through her lime green eyeliner. I blush, instantly reach into my wallet and tip her a $5 bill. I sign one of the few things I know. “Thank you”.

I turn around and try to find a seat in the bustling cafe. I don’t see a spot open but I do see that bearded man again. He’s looking directly at me with his gentle eyes. I nervously turn away and find a seat on a stoop next door.

My phone vibrates, it’s my Twin Sister.

Twin:

"Hi! What are you doing?"

Me:

"Girl, I just scored a free coffee! Maybe this deaf thing isn't so bad."

Twin:

"Omfg, not using your white privilege and disability.. Do better!"

Me:

"Not at all! Rude!"

Twin:

"I'm JK! How are you? I miss you!"

Me:

"I'm good! Just getting coffee then going back to work. That bearded guy that I told you about is staring me down again!"

Twin:

"Go talk to him! What’s the problem? You must have pages of cat calling in that notebook?"

Me:

"Stop! But also, I do. Hahahaha Maybe I should check Grindr!?"

Twin:

"Gross. Are you coming home for Christmas?"

Me:

"No, I need to stay behind and work, got a deadline."

Twin:

"Well fuck. Alright, we'll do something special when I’m there. Gotta get ready, love you, byeee!"

The barista girl rounds me with a smile holding out my coffee and pastry, I smile big and mouth “Thank you”. I take my treats from her hands. She walks away and there he is approaching me. The bearded man who I see every Thursday! I look down the street for a distraction, “Is that a nobody, that I don’t know over there” But it’s too late. He's standing in front of me and waves, mouthing “Hi”.

I look up blocking the sun with my pastry bag, waving and trying to say “hi” back. I don’t have any tabs in my notebook for instances like this.

He starts to sign at me very fast as he smiles and gestures to sit next to me.

I sign “Ok”. He looks at me with a little confusion then plops next to me as I give him the “hold up” index finger. I lower my coffee and pastry to pull out my notebook again. I flip to the tab ‘Intro’. I hold out my notebook to him in front of my face awkwardly.

It reads to first timers. “Hello, My name is Tom, I recently lost my hearing and I’m not familiar with Sign, do you mind communicating through writing notes?”

He chuckles at me. I get annoyed and scribble. “Is there a problem”?!

He holds out his hand, and looks into my eyes. He’s wanting the pen obviously, so I give him the writing utensils.

As he writes I observe him. He’s wearing brown long bell bottoms with classic black and white vans on his feet. A harley davidson crop top slightly revealing his belly button and he has some pretty funky sunglasses on his head. He is the type of person I want to be.

I become more curious and intrigued because he’s been writing for a while.

He hands over the notebook.

“Hey Tom, It’s nice to meet you, I’m Jese. I too am deaf and have been for a while. I’ve been seeing you come here for weeks and wanted to introduce myself earlier but I was a little intimidated because everyone seems to really like you! I wasn’t sure if you we’re some like gay deaf celebritiy I didn’t know. Anyways, can I join you?”

I write underneath his paragraph. “Who said I’m gay!”.

He looks down at the paper and he looks back up at me with a “Bitch please!”.

We start to laugh. The way the sides of his face scrunches up when he laughs is really cute and the way the sun hits his skin is perfect right now, it’s all duey like he just popped out of the steam room.

I wrote down another message.

“Of course you can join me, if you don’t mind having a conversation with pen and paper”.

He reads my next excerpt and smiles, still chuckling from the joke before.

We spent an hour writing notes back and forth to each other. I still have yet to meet another gay deaf person, besides on instagram.

He wrote about his own queer clothing line based out of Los Angeles and he also volunteered at the LGBT center to teach sign language on the weekends for free. He also has a shared affinity for pop music as I do too and 90’s television shows. It all seemed too good to be true. Like I had met my match of a friend!My favorite part about all of this is that I could just focus not only on his chicken scratch of writing, but his face when he would watch me read about him, and my emotions that came out of it. He stared intently to see if I was approving or disapproving. I hadn’t had a long conversation like this yet with letters so it was quite nice.

My phone starts to vibrate. I look at it and there are about 10 missed texts from my boss.

I take the notebook and write to him.

“Sorry, I have to go back home and finish some work, would you like my number? Maybe we could do this again soon?”

He takes out his phone signaling a trade. We secure each others numbers and I start to pack up my things, I feel a vibration.

A message from Jese.

“Let me know when you’re finished, I’m going to go home and walk my dog, but if you’re free later. I’d like to show you around.”

He’s smiling at me with his eyebrows lifted.

I text him back.

“Show me around? I’m a local, but sure!”

He sends another.

“You haven’t seen LA how we get to see it. Be ready by 5pm.”

I look at him, with an eyebrow raised. I stand up to say goodbye. He comes at me from both sides. A hug.

I hadn’t felt this in so long, and it felt so nice, so right. Especially from someone who is like you. It hits differently.

He leans away, smiles, and waves goodbye. I wave goodbye as well.

It’s now 4:58pm and I’m sitting at my window sill looking out at the quiet neighborhood. I start to think of the last song I heard. It was “Rock the Boat” by Aaliyah. What I would do to hear that right now, it’s the perfect lighting for it. I imagine the tune in my head and hum. My phone vibrates.

A message from Jese. “I’m outside”

Typical me, I’m not even fucking ready. I run back to my mirror, fix my hair a million times just so then I can throw on a beanie, and change my outfit another 3 times all within 5 minutes.

I head down my stairs and a blue pickup truck is there to greet me.

I see him peeking out the passengers window, he waves at me. I see him get out of his driver’s seat and head to the opposite side of the car. Holy shit this man is about to open the door for me! I get up to the car and he gives me a hug. He looks at me quite seriously and asks me with his hands to step back. He plants his foot on the side of his truck and pops open the door.

I climb inside the truck and he closes it shut with a lot of force. He gets into the driver's seat, buckles up and smiles signaling. ‘Ready?’

I nod and smile and we take off.

We drove through LA during the golden hour. The inside illuminated by check engine lights and a green led radio reminding me of my dad's truck. We pass echo park lake, the swans floating in the silver water, The sky slowly bleeds blood orange, and peach from the west, and then I look to my left and see silence fall upon his face. He smirks.

We’re approaching downtown and he stops the car just before the overpass. He signals, “ready!?” I signal, “Ok!”

I follow him, we’re walking towards the center of the overpass of the 110 freeway.

He takes his phone out and types.

“Just look”

He points out to the swarm of traffic as we face South. The sky bleeding sorbet and the white and red lights from the cars contrast perfectly. But the best part of this whole scenario. Is that I can’t hear the chaos. I’m just here to enjoy the calm, peaceful view and with him, the other person just like me. I start to tear up. Not because I necessarily miss my hearing but because I thought I was just the only one around me who was always in search of the beauty behind the obvious. The person who dares to dream of light in darkness.

He pokes me.

“Are you ok?” he signs.

I understood. “Yes” I sign. I wipe my tears. And he again signs, “Ready”? I smile and nod.

We drive through the streets of downtown LA. He rolls the windows down, there are cars and people everywhere and the silence has never been louder.

We arrive in Little Tokyo, another one of my favorite places in Los Angeles. Since moving more west I haven’t been back, especially since my accident. We walk through the center of the village. It’s approaching the holidays so the holiday decor is out. Pikachu’s with Santa hats on light poles, Hello Kittys with gingerbread aprons on. It’s adorable. We approach a door with a long line of people waiting out front. It’s a Sushi Boat restaurant. Inside it’s packed tight with a long wait list. A younger slender Japanese guy approaches us, signing at Jese.

They sign with a lot of enthusiasm and before you know it I’m being introduced to him, I shake his hand and he guides us to two seats at the packed bar.

We take off our coats and sit down. I take out my phone and write a note to Jese.

“How did we skip this line?!”

Jese replies.

“That’s my friend, Yoshi. His grandfather is the owner and he’s also deaf.”

Jese signs at Yoshi’s grandfather, I wave. I’ve never seen a restaurant owner let alone a sushi chef be so excited to see someone.

I write down in my notes. “Are you sure you’re not the gay deaf celebrity”.

We laugh.

Yoshi sets down a bottle of sake and signs to Jese. Jese thanks him.

Jese writes down.

“It’s a gift from the grandfather to you”.

I look up at the gleaming sushi master. He’s smiling ever so slightly and nodding his head at me. I nod and smile at him, thanking him.

We sat amongst many people appearing to be roaring with laughter and smiles. I was just excited to witness this and have more sense of normalcy in my life. It all had been so bleak ever since my accident. Like I was over protecting myself from my own life. We drank of sake and ate like kings. Jese tried to teach me more sign, but we mostly just laughed. 2 hours later I found myself alone in the restaurant with the waitstaff and Jese. Yoshi comes over in his normal street clothes now and signs.

Jese signs and laughs and then takes out his phone.

“Yoshi wants to know if you want to come karaoke with him and his friends”

A deep insecurity immediately falls over me. I think to myself I don’t know what I sound like, let alone I never sang even when I could hear myself. I would make a fool out of myself. Jese touches my leg.

He signs, “Are you ok?”

I take out my phone and write a note to him.

“Are you going to sing?”

He boasts in body language once he sees my note. “Hell yeah” is what I got from it.

He signs to me. “Ready”?

“Yes” I reply back.

We walk with Yoshi down the twisting Little Tokyo corridor. We enter the karaoke bar, there is a person on stage giving a performance of a lifetime and everyone in the bar seems to be cheering them on.

Jese pokes me, and signals a drink. I nod.

We walk over to the bar. Jese orders a round for us. I hadn’t a clue how he did it without talking or signing but the bartender knew right away what he wanted. I take my beer and clank cheers with the 2 of them and we walk towards the stage. Yoshi breaks away to greet his friends who all start to wave in our direction. We wave back, But stick to our wall. I could sense Jese knows just as much as I do that it’s too boring to try and communicate with the hearing at a bar, unless they really want to, or they’re really hot.

I notice Jese looking at the performer and he starts to sway to maybe what the music could be. I tap him and mouth. “Do you hear it?”

Jese shakes his head no, he then mouths “Vibration” and shakes his right hand to me.

I think to myself I can’t feel anything. How does he have these spidey senses that I don’t!?

He takes my hand and puts it onto the speaker. And that’s when I felt it. It was Fleetwood Mac “Dreams”. He starts to nod his head to the music and points to the lyrics on the screen. This was the first time I could imagine and hear the music again. I could hear her angelic voice through the performer. A surge of joy come over me and tears started to flood my eyes. He looks at me and almost spits his beer out. I start to laugh and apologize in sign.

“Are you ok!?” Jese signs.

“Yes” I reply.

The night continues and we keep drinking and swaying and dancing to the vibrations of the music. It felt like everything was in slow motion without all the other incessant noise of a crowd.

Yoshi pulls us both up on stage and hands a microphone to each of us. The spotlight blinds us from the crowd and the only thing I can see is the silhouette of a crowd and a TV screen reading. “All I Want For Christmas Is You” - Mariah Carey.

Yoshi starts out the song, I’m feeling sick and not too sure how I’m going to sing.. Then I see Jese and his neck veins popping out. He’s screaming the chorus. I without hesitation join right in. Not sure if we’re on beat or not, but it didn’t matter. I was using my voice again to its fullest extent. Yoshi is looking at me in approval and with a very surprised face, All 3 of us scream the lyrics at each other. I could feel my body ignite with energy, it felt so good to sing again, even if I couldn’t hear it.

We finish and I see the silhouetted sea of people jump up and waving their hands in joy. Yoshi hugs us both and I just feel an immense amount of belonging. As Yoshi pats me hard on the back I immediately projectile vomit all over the backsplash of the stage. Jese and Yoshi look at me in horror, and I just start to laugh, they do as well.

Jese passes me a soda water on the couch I’ve plopped onto while sitting next to Yoshi’s friends. They’ve accepted me with open arms into their circle and Jese is nodding and smiling. “You Ok?” he signs. “Yep” I sign back.

Jese pulls out his phone.

“So I don’t feel like I can drive you back home tonight, I live pretty close to here... do you mind sleeping over and I’ll drive you back in the morning”?

In my tipsy state I already knew what he wanted, and the answer was, “Yes!”

So after a few more songs, we ventured our way back to his place in the arts district not too far away from where we were. I felt pretty tipsy at this moment but not necessarily drunk. We arrive at his place where his tiny dog comes to greet us and immediately pees on the floor.

"No, Birdie!" He says annoyingly.

I slowly head up the stairs to his dim lit studio as he cleans his little dog's accident. I look around, it’s perfectly curated with photos of what seem to be queer legends, warm terracotta fixings true to his heritage and then a very warm cozy bedroom. I start to undress and Jese greets me from behind with some sleeping clothes. I accept them, he then escapes to the kitchen.

I put the clothes on and slip into his cozy beige bed. He comes back but with his shirt off with pajama bottoms on and 2 cups of tea. He hands me one, I nod “thank you”. He takes a sip as I just stare at his beautiful physique and coarse dark chest hair. He looks at me and smiles. “What”. I shake my head, “Nothing”.

I put down the tea and take out my phone and write.

“Thank you, That was the best day since I lost my Ears, maybe even in my life. I didn’t realize how much I was missing out on until I actually heard the silence.”

I watch him read my message one last time before we retire. He’s smiling and then he looks up with a tear in his eye. “You’re welcome”. He puts his mug down and hugs me.

I don’t know what came over me but I whispered in his ear. “I love you”

He pulled away and smiled. “Good Night” he signed.

“Good Night”. I mouth.

Jese turns off his lights and I could feel his tiny dog Birdie tuck itself between our legs. The moonlight dipped onto the back on Jese’s head perfectly, I closed my eyes and hope for days to come just like this one.

"Dios mío It's bright!" It's the morning and there is a tapping near me, to the left side of the bed. It is Birdie, my dog looking directly at me. She needs to eat. I pull back the covers and hop out of bed. Oh fuck, I forgot I had company..he is sound asleep, man does he looks good in my bed! I think he said he needs to be up at 9, but I’ll let him sleep in. I walk to my kitchen to open the food container. I crack it open; Wait, I can hear the crack! I stand here stunned for a few seconds in disbelief. I grab the cup inside and scrape out the kibble. I hear every granule enter the tin cup, and then the crash of all of them into the bowl, my hands give out. The bowl falls, I hear the crash and the spill of all the food. Outside there is a dog barking and then a horns of a cars. I can hear the hum of the distant highway. Everything is coming in way too fast. I press my hands to my ears. What is happening!? Birdie starts to eat the dog food in front of me and then I feel a tap on my shoulder, It’s Tom.

“You ok” he signs.

“Yea” I signed back.

Tom writes on his phone.

“I gotta get going, Don’t worry about driving me home, I’ll be fine”

Should I let him know whats happening to me?!

I write on his phone.

“Are you sure?” I can hear the taps of my fingers as I type.

He writes back.

“Yeah, just don’t be a stranger ok, and Merry Christmas”

“Merry Christmas”, I mouth.

He gives me a very sensual hug, I give him what I can in this moment. I’m not sure what to feel.

Tom slowly exits my sight, I hear every step down towards the front door. It closes.

I’m left in the kitchen with Birdie crunching her breakfast on the floor. I fall to my knees, a cry comes out of me of nothing but pain and horror. How long will this last this time? Are my ears back for good?

I arrived at the coffee shop. It's been a few months now since I’ve seen Jese. I look around me. Not one sign of the bearded man, again. I approach the counter and take out my notepad as usual.

“Hi there, May I please order an Drip Coffee and a Chocolate Croissant”