Drunk

It was a Saturday night like no other, empty bottles of chardonnay, merlot, and blue moon scattered across the dinner table. Wine glasses were half-empty, along with half-eaten dinners and desserts. The clock behind me read 8pm but it was really 9pm, headlights of cars flashing through the front door every couple of minutes.

I was lying on the couch, a pillow covering my bare chest as I watched my friends dance to loud music coming through the stereo speakers. We were all naked, tits and dicks bouncing up and down to the beat as their owners sang along to Halsey at the top of their lungs. Chris was moving away, supplying the wine since he had to clean out his fridge. His wife was packing up the rest of their house, but she promised to meet up with the rest of us later.

Drinking games were our favorite past time, and a new one we decided to play with was “two truths, one lie”, but it was a strip version of the game. And somehow we thought it was a good idea.

“Kiss my wife,” Peter said to Jack. They were sitting on the couch, legs wide open as they took hits from their vape pens. Hanna, Peter’s wife, smiled over at Jack and pursed her lips at him. Jack took the invitation and for a while, that’s all they were doing. It was amazing how the temperature in the house felt like it was just increasing with each song and every time I went to kiss someone, I felt like a part of me wanted more.

I always wanted more.

May, Jack’s girlfriend, sat down on my lap and kissed me. I laughed in her shoulder and she begged me to dance with her. She pulled the pillow away from me and her eyes danced along my naked body and I felt my cheeks getting warmer as Peter and Jack watched the exchange between us. Peter grabbed my hands and Jack slapped my ass and tried to move away but May’s hands were inviting. I found my underwear on the makeshift dance floor and tried to reach for them, but Chris picked them up and threw them somewhere into the foyer.

Hanna kept bumping into her husband, her hands running up and down his body. Somebody told them to get a room. They replied that it was their house and they could kick everyone out. May’s hands kept finding placed on my body that made me want to get a room for ourselves. Arlen and Matty stayed on the couch together and whispered to each other in hushed voices, their eyes flashing in my direction multiple times. Jack kept wanting to kiss me and I finally gave in. It was messy, everything was messy.

I love this kind of messy.

I fell onto the loveseat, giggling as Jack hovered over me. His hands went on either side of my face and his lips met mine and I could taste alcohol and cigarettes in his breath. Our teeth collided a few times and I giggled more and more as he bit my lip and told me how hot he found me. I told him how hot I found his girlfriend and he kept telling me to go for it if he could join. I shook my head, telling him that if I got her, she was going to be mine all night. His eyes narrowed and he kissed me again. In that moment I forgot all about May and just thought about how badly I wanted to fuck Jack.

I pushed him away and relaxed back into the couch, my eyes meeting with May’s. She was an extraordinary dancer, full of life and light. She came over to me again and grabbed my hands so I could dance with her again. Her lips pressed against my shoulders and up my neck until she reached my lips. I wrapped my arms tightly around her and kept her close.

“You are thee first girl I’ve ever kissed,” I slurred into her ear. She laughed and put her hands on my face, pushing my hair back.

“Glad I’m your first.”

Somewhere along the line, Chris’s wife walked through the door and laughed at all of us. In her hands was a huge plate of cookies that were freshly baked. Arlen sat down next to me and I smiled over at him. He put his arm around me and leaned into my neck, his beard resting on my shoulders.

“Did you finish t-the photos?” I nodded at him. We worked together often, a freelancing photography and videography duo.

“Yeah,” I replied. “You and uh, Matty, seem to’ve lot ta say.”

“Matty thinks yeer cool,” he slurred.

“Why didn’t he tell me?” Arlen shrugged and went over to the table to grab a handful of cookies. Matty came over to me and sat down. I threw a pillow into his lap and leaned back.

“Yous-a-havin’a good time, Annie?” he asked. I looked over at him and gave him a small smile. I remembered that I had the biggest crush on him when we were in high school together. We lost touch after he graduated but then he joined Arlen’s band and I fell in love with how he played the drums. He was phenomenal, perfect, and constantly complimented my singing voice.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tells you wha?”

“That you think ’m cool,” I said. “You were never shyn high school.”

“That’s because-” he blinked and laughed, pointing a single finger at me “naked.”

“You always this timid when deres-a-nakey girl? Must hurt ya bedroom rep-utation.” He laughed and reached for my hand, interlocking our fingers.

“Never thought I’d see yous naked. I always ’magined that I’d betheone to undressh yous.”

“Ohh, well things don’t always happenlike how you plan ’em.” I stood up from the couch and walked across the room. My head felt light and the room was filled with smoke from all the vape pens my friends were smoking. Peter blew smoke into my face and then kissed me, shoving his tongue down my throat. I laughed into his neck, nearly tripping over myself. Someone was taking shots over by the sink and I could hear bubbly laughter as they slammed the glasses onto the counter and kept refilling.

I stumbled into the bathroom and shut the door behind me. I looked in the mirror and grimaced, turning the lights back off. Through the sky light, the moon was shining bright and that was all the light I really wanted. I hated seeing myself naked. The toilet seat was up and I took a deep breath, willing myself to hold my liquor because if I purged, it would trigger something else inside of me that I just didn’t want to deal with. The room was spinning and I sat down on the edge of the bathtub.

I’m a lot drunker than I expected.

There was a knock on the bathroom door.

“You good, girl?” It was Arlen.

“Fine!” I called back.

Suddenly it was 11pm and I ran around the house, Matty chasing after me as I held him boxers. I found my underwear and my t-shirt and everyone else was kind of dressed, except for him. Matty finally caught me, his arms wrapped around my waist as he lifted me up in the air and plucked his boxers free from my fist. Hanna retired to her bedroom and Jack carried May over his shoulders into the guest room. Chris left with his wife since she was sober and Arlen claimed the big couch. Matty and I looked at each other for a few moments.

“Yous get the loveseat,” he said.

“Yousure? Peter’s chair ent so comfortable.”

“Yous need the rest more’n me.” I smiled and reached underneath the end table into the little basket where Hanna kept her blankets. I sat down on the couch and adjusted the pillows before falling asleep.

It was 10am when we all woke up. Hanna was making coffee and flipping pancakes, sniffling every now and then. The house was a mess, we were all so fucking messed up and my head was pounding. There were glass bottle scattered over the house, pants turning on the ceiling fan, and there were cookie crumbles in the weirdest places. Considering the amount of alcohol that I drowned my blood in, my hangover wasn’t so bad. Matty was sitting on the arm of the loveseat, holding out a cup of coffee for me. We drank in silence for a few moments. Jack and May stumbled out of the guest room and sat down in the bar stools. No one made eye contact with each other and I wasn’t sure if we felt ashamed or awkward or what.

“We’ve basically become Mormon’s overnight,” Peter said and everyone started laughing. That shot us all into a conversation about last night, trying to piece it together like a puzzle, but it almost felt as if the corner pieces were missing. It was the strangest thing because when we all got together for dinner at 5pm, our goal was to grow closer together as friends and build more interpersonal relationships.

I know. My friends are weird but -

We sure as hell didn’t expect to get drunk and get that close.

Even though we got totally plastered last night, it wasn’t enough for us to forget our feelings or to even deny it ever happened. Everything felt so right and so wrong at the same time, but all I could dwell on was how close I got to May. I saw her eyeing me but I shrugged it off. I had to remind myself multiple times throughout the morning that she was dating Jack. It didn’t matter what I felt, how she made me feel, what she told me last night, and how her lips explored me.

What about Matty?

I looked over to Matty; he was sitting across from me at the dinner table, sipping on his coffee slowly. His eyes met mine and he winked and I felt my heart swell then deflate. I stood up from the table and dug through my purse for my cigs and sparkly pink lighter before going out to the backyard. Peter’s dogs ran up to me and demanded belly rubs before I lit my first cigarette.

“Hey, Annie. You remember what I said last night?” Matt asked. I turned around as he closed the door.

“About what?”

“I like you.” I took a long drag of my cigarette, the smoke coming out of my nose as I smiled.

“You know, I don’t remember you ever saying those words,” I said as I took another drag. “I like you too, but I don’t know right now.”

“What do you mean?” he asked. I turned around and looked inside the window, watching May holding onto Jack’s arm as they spoke to Peter and Hanna about something. They were just committed people going about their committed lives. The sight of seeing them all together caused jealousy to bubble in the pit of my stomach. I took another drag and closed my eyes.

“I’m just - I don’t know. I’m just in a weird point in my life,” I said. “Hey, look, I’m gonna head home before my cat freaks out. I’ll see you tomorrow at practice.” Matty came towards me and wrapped his arms tightly around my waist and I remembered how free and light I felt last night when he was chasing me around the house.

I want that but -

Not with him.

When I got back to my place, my phone was full of texts from Arlen and Matty but I refused to read them. Even May’s name was among the jumbled text messages. My cat jumped onto the counter and placed his head against mine before sniffing the rim of my wine glass.

That night, I got drunk again.

My vision was blurred and I heard the sink water running. I was lying naked on the bathroom floor and my cat was meowing loudly as he walked around me, his toy fish on my chest. I sat up and the whole room began to spin and my hands were shaking and I didn’t even remember my name.

But I remember how May made me feel.

And I remember how I shut down Matty.

Who am I?

“Hey, cat?” I sat up and looked at him. His orange tail flickered back and forth and his eyes squinted as he meowed again. He rubbed his face against my knee. “Wha d’ya think of M-”

I bent over the toilet and suddenly I was crying. I stumbled out of the bedroom and picked up my phone, my eyes blurred as I started dialing.

“Hello?” she said.