Dreams

The memory of his embrace still lingers—I can almost feel the closeness of him.  I even somehow feel a feeling of not wanting to let him go. I hold my breath, savoring the feeling before the moment breaks, and my alarm goes off, and again I wake up alone.

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                        Fiv—

The early riser ringtone interrupts my dream—slowly as the day goes on, the memory fades, but isn’t quite forgotten. I would have forgotten the dream, I’m sure, had I not seen this same person in my dreams before. When I saw the person again the second time, I was a bit weirded out, but as the dream faded that day, my concern did with it. When it happened a third time, that began my internet search and rabbit trails of dream lure.

I have never seen this person, much less met this person, outside of my dreams.

I live in a town of just over 1,000 people. In the grand scheme of things, not a lot of people. Most of the people I do see when I get off the farm are people I know, so I know I haven’t seen, nor do I know this person, outside of my dreams.

I started to tell Emma, my best friend since college, about it, but it still feels too weird, so I don’t tell her anything. I feel like she would tell me I need a boyfriend. To which I respond, I am too selfish for a relationship.

I have lived in Asher my whole life. Five years ago, from what I have been told, I had an accident out in the field. I experienced a brain aneurysm. I guess back then, I complained of headaches a lot, but didn’t have time to do anything about it. The doctor told me I was lucky that I wasn’t on any of the farm equipment at the time. I suffered a minor injury to my hand, and I no longer remember anything from the five years prior.

Emma has stuck by me ever since. At first, she stayed at my place to make sure I took it easy, now she just drops in on occasion-mostly unannounced. She’s married now with two little ones, so mostly she stops by when she needs a break. A lot of the stuff I did on the farm I had to relearn, but I guess my hands remembered what to do because I picked everything quickly.

A year ago, the dreams began. First, it was every so often, to twice a month, to once a week, now it’s every night. Some part of me wonders if it’s connected to my memories before the brain fog. Emma would have told me if there had been any men in my life before, but she just says my life before was pretty much the same. I worked on the farm. I even asked about college. She said I studied, got my degree in agriculture, and stayed and worked on my family farm after my parents retired and moved to warmer shores—they like to travel, so they really didn’t move anywhere but live in an RV.

Then why the sudden dreams?

Who is the man?

“Did I ever attend a dance? Go to prom?”

“Well, you went to prom with me, and this town is so small. We didn’t have any dates.”

“No, I take that back, maybe you did….”

“Emma, did I ever date in college?”

“Definitely not. You were too busy studying, and if you weren’t studying, you were too busy smelling like cow manure.”

“Oh. Thanks for that.”

“So this is what my life amounts to?”

“Hey, don’t be so hard on yourself. You have a home, good friends. You make a living farming. That sounds pretty good if you ask me, Clary. Not to mention, you survived a traumatic brain explosion….you have a good life here, just take one day at a time.”

Pretty good if you ask me… that’s what she always tells me. Then why does it feel like I am missing something, or….someone…?

*HONK*HONK*

Speak of the devil.

When I don’t come outside right away. I hear Emma’s car door slam. As she heads toward the house. She lets herself in.

“Clary, are you ready to go? I thought you said you would be ready by 9:00, and hear I am running late and it’s 9:15.”

I come around the corner in my bootcut jeans and Farmers Are the Future T-shirt. Her face deflates.

“You’re wearing that for our girls' day?”

“Yeah, it’s comfortable.”

“Yes, for working, but this is a girls’ day. We have a hair appointment, nail appointment, dinner, getting away from this place, this is what you are wearing….nope. We're going back to that closet of yours and see what you have got hidden back there.”

Fifteen minutes later, Emma is satisfied with my t-shirt dress and leather sandals. I sneak my tennis shoes for later, knowing my feet will be killing me.

“Perfect, let’s get going. I want to get started before Derek calls me about something.”

We get our coffee. Tea for me. Then head to Emma’s hair appointment. I snuck in the book I had been reading. After her appointment, we got our nails done. Then lunchtime.

That’s when I see him. Across the street from our outside table. Just under shoulder length, slightly curly blonde hair. Tall.

“What are you looking at?”

“Uhm?”

She turns around, but the man is gone.

“See someone you know?”

“I thought maybe I had, but I couldn’t see from here.”

“Well, I have all day, let’s go see if he’s still there.”

“What are you talking about?”

“If a man has got your interest, we should investigate, because it’s likely a once-in-a-lifetime thing.”

She feigns getting up and looking for the object of my attention. Then, sitting back down, chuckles.

“Fine, it would be nice to see you with someone, though. I mean not just random dude off the street, but someone.”

“I’m fine. You don’t have to worry. Besides this, coming from the person who is escaping her family for the day.”

“Yeah, but I get to come back home to them at the end of it and hold them close again.”

“Emma,…are you sure I never dated anyone before…well before my memories were erased?”

“Not unless you didn’t tell about it, and I like to think we have been pretty close, that you would have. Why?”

“It’s just I have been having a silly dream and this guy keeps appearing, but I don’t remember him…now that I am saying this out loud, I realize how ridiculous it sounds…”

“Oh, well, I mean it’s possible to dream about someone that you don’t remember. I mean, I have weird dreams all the time. My 3rd grade teacher was in one I had the other night, where I forgot to turn in a paper, and she has been gone now for maybe 3 or 4 years.”

“I guess, but I haven’t met this person, or not that I remember. I don’t have a name in my dreams, just a vague memory of what they look like, but dreams can be skewed, so I am not even sure the resemblance is right.”

“Dreams? You dream of this guy often?”

“A couple times.” I don’t want her to know that it’s been every night for the past month.

“What does he look like?”

“Tall. Blonde hair...blue eyes.”

            Ocean Blue eyes.

“Wow, that could describe a lot of people. Any notable features?”

“I don’t remember….no wait… he has a small scar over his right eye, but it’s barely noticeable…”

“And you don’t know this person outside of your dreams?”

“No?”

“Real convincing.”

“So what are you just attracting every random blond guy, seeing if it’s him?”

“No, of course not.”

“What do you do in the dreams?”

I don’t really want to tell her this either, because I know she will laugh at me.

“…..we dance…sometimes we just sit like maybe we are talking…”

“You dance? I have never seen you dance…you brought a book to prom.”

“You remember I brought a book, but can’t remember if I had a date.”

“It was thirteen years ago.”

“It's just strange because I feel like I had a closeness with this person, but I have no idea who they are to me? I can’t hear them in my dreams, just watch them.”

As I am sharing with Emma this. I realize that this feeling is one of longing. Deep down, even if I don’t remember them, it’s like my body, soul, and heart do.

I miss them.

At this realization, I want to cry. It’s a terrible thing to lose your memories. To forget people, stories, parts of your life, just lost to a void.

Emma looks concerned.

“Hey, it’s okay. I will go through some old yearbooks, or something. See who I can dig up. I didn’t realize my teasing and digging would cause you stress. I’m sorry.”

“No, no, it’s not that. It’s just I feel like I’ve lost mind… and I guess I did…and there’s no getting it back.”

“I will try and help remember the best I can.”

“Emma, you are a good friend.”

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I look down at my ivory dress. I feel like a princess. Am I wearing heels? I don’t notice the people watching me as I walk down the aisle, like I thought I would.

I see you watching me. He wipes his eyes.

I reach the front.

The ceremony begins.  He holds my hands. His blue eyes don’t waver from mine.

“Do you—”

“I will find you.”

My alarm sounds.

Again, the beautiful dream fades.

I roll over and turn off the alarm. Sinking into the covers. I almost had his name, but…

…I heard his voice.

This brings tears to my eyes as I again mourn this loss of my memories and closeness with one I can’t remember but clearly knew well. Today I want to stay and bed and turn off all distractions, and crawl back into the dream and finally discover my missing memories. I hear Emma's voice in my head:

“You have a good life here. Just take one day at a time.”

I get up half with hope that I heard his voice, but the other half dreading that someday these dreams will catch up and I will not be able to leave them behind…That I will be chasing them for the rest of my life.

For today, however, I swallow the feelings down, make some tea, and get started with a new day.