Dragons on the Brain

“There weren’t always dragons in the Valley,” complained an idle guard to his companion through the pouring rain. “Wasn’t too long ago that folks could raise their cattle in peace. We could bring out the fine china and silver spoons for Sunday dinner. Virgins could walk down the street without fear of being tossed in a cave to keep a fat lizard from burning down the town. Now we got good milking cows snatched up for midnight snacks without so much as a ‘don’t mind if I do’, you gotta keep the fineries buried in the backyard if you don’t want them to end up in some landfill the dragons call a hoard, and youths are practically jumping into bed observed by a notary just to certify they aren’t eligible for sacrifice. What kind of world are we coming to, eh?”

The other guard squeezed her eyes shut as a headache threatened to throb. She replied, “I hope it’s one where you can remember that ‘not too long ago’ is before we were ever even born. Also, one where our local ranching industry is sheep raising and not cattle. Also again, one where hardly anybody here owns china and silver because we're a small town reliant on local ranching and agriculture with barely any money to spare, and I have my doubts that you even know what china is. Also again again, one where that idea of virgin sacrifices are a terrible and untrue stereotype, and where you know that I know it’s just a lead-up to another of your God-awful pick-up lines."

"Wait,” she called out suddenly, her fingers flashing to her temples, “maybe I’m a seer. I’ve received a vision of such a world. It looks… it looks…,” her eyes opened suddenly, “it looks like one where we can just do our damn jobs in silence. It's wondrous. How does that sound?”

The first guard huffed. “Sounds like our jobs are just standing here in this freezing rain, freezing our asses, while looking like we aren’t just standing around freezing our asses guarding this freezing crime scene, and I’m ever so sorry for trying to have a conversation to take our minds off of our asses freezing? Excuse my freezing ass.”

“Fine, let’s do that, but quietly,” the second guard said in exasperation. They remained standing at the mouth of an alley that ran between two buildings, the local bank and a butcher’s, glowering at everything and nothing, as the chilling downpour continued. The sun had set and the streets outside of the coverage of the sparse lamp posts were dark. What little traffic that braved the elements scarcely noticed the guards, and anyone that did was quickly driven away by a harsh word and raised club.

Such peace (for a given definition of peace such as ‘not a state of maximized annoyance’) did not last long. The first guard broke it. “Didn’t know you were such a dragon-lover, Mar’lene,” he wormed through the corner of his mouth.

The second guard growled in frustration and jerked her head around, facing the first guard. “Shut up, Tod’d, seriously. They’re just a family that moved into that big mansion up the hill when the lord died a long time ago and his heir sold off the estate to go on a world-tour party with a bunch of elf skanks. They-”

“Oh, so now dragons are the pillar of the community, but elf women, no sir, those are the filth of society. Just because one of them turned you down-”

“Shut up, and who told you that?!” hissed Mar’lene.

Tod’d shrugged. “Look, it happens. Everybody wants to get with an elf babe, right? But they’re all, ‘oh la la, I’m 400 but look 20, I’ve raised mighty oaks but you’re more like a weeping willow, come back when you’re hot and your society has developed dental care and you have money.’” At this point the ‘sympathetic’ speech directed to Mar’lene transformed into a rant aimed at the heavens. “They’re elves. Everybody’s gotta shoot their shot, right? But those uptight pricks just laugh and patronize us about how their culture is so much more advanced because they developed indoor plumbing and bathing. As if cleanliness is the sole determinant of a man’s worth!”

Mar’lene glowered. “Shut up, that’s not what this is about, and also, I sense a major hang-up regarding your personal hygiene that I don’t want to know any more about but that I suggest you work on. The dragons mind their own business. The oldest son runs the local Young Rangers troop. The mother organizes the monthly soup kitchen. They collectively sponsor the harvest festival. What do you have against them?”

“For one, that they’ve burned and eaten a man alive,” Tod’d countered grimly, pointing down the alley. From wall to wall was a knotted rope on which hung a yellow “Do Not Crosse Withote Authorizatione” sign. Beyond the cordon were waiting barrels against one wall and sheets hanging over the roof line opposite, forgotten in the rain. Along the wall of the bank was a vestibule containing a side door, with its light out in the dreary weather. In the middle of the alley, on the slick muddy ground, lay an oiled cloak draped over what might be a humanoid form, if the humanoid form was missing a top half.

The guards gazed at the cloak silently for a few moments as fat raindrops continued to spatter on and around them and mist cold enough to feel in the bones circled through the air. Mar’lene glanced at Tod’d, looked away, glanced again, and asked, “Did you have a ‘for two’, or…?”

“Oh come on, if your ‘for one’ is, ‘that they’ve burned and eaten a man alive’, do you actually need a ‘for two’?”

“Okay, fine. But we don’t actually know that he was eaten alive. Or eaten, period. Or whether he was burned before or after death.”

“So, what, he was bitten in half, but not eaten, even though the top half is nowhere to be found, and his bottom half was roasted afterwards for, what, funsies?”

“Well,” muttered Mar’lene, “we don’t know for sure he was bitten in half.”

“Other than the huge tooth marks, clean lines indicating the bisection was the result of a single bite, and lack of any signs of being otherwise mauled, sawed through, hacked, or crushed?” Tod’d asked sardonically. “I guess, if we assume that we don’t know anything, then we couldn’t know anything. But since we do, then we do, ipso facto, etcetera.”

Mar’lene closed her eyes, sighed, and hung her head. “I'm pretty sure that isn't what ‘ipso facto’ means.”

“You’re just in denial that the dragons you love so much murdered somebody.”

Mar'lene's head jerked back up. “What? No, they definitely murdered this guy, I’m just trying to say that they’re nice people.”

“Nice people that murdered a guy.”

“You can be nice but commit murder.”

“Really? That’s what you're going with?”

“Look, can we go back to you shutting up?”

The guards glared at each other, then stood at attention to glare at the world in mutual annoyance.

Thunder crashed above and the cold rain redoubled its fall. Tod’d cursed. “When the hell is the Bailiff Inspector supposed to get here so we can get this carcass carted off and get out of the damn rain?”

“Oh, I’ve been here for a couple of minutes,” said a voice behind them.

Tod’d yelped as he and Mar’lene spun together to look back down the alley. A heretofore unnoticed dark man, short yet slim beneath a leather duster, stepped out of the bank’s vestibule and into the alley. A wide brimmed hat sheltered his face from the rain, and inquisitive, impish eyes twinkled at the two guards.

“Where the fu-,” started Tod’d before Mar’lene silenced him with a hard elbow to his gut. As he doubled over gasping, she brandished her club and yelled, “This is a crime scene! Only those authorized-”

“Yes, yes, I read the sign,” smiled the newcomer, “including where someone misspelled ‘withoute’.” A hand reached within the duster and emerged with a small badge shaped like a fierce dog biting a bone.

Mar’lene squinted as she gazed at the stranger’s badge, before slowly lowering her bludgeon. “Well, I suppose there isn’t a higher authority on crime than one of those appointed by royal decree to investigate and exercise the king’s justice against lawbreakers, Bailiff Inspector…?”

“Viscount Alphonsus Ianv'alur Veshatti Nostr'aezash le Guirac Channyntiag, ma’am,” said the stranger with mischievous eyes. “And whom may I be addressing?”

Mar’lene stared for a moment, with her mouth slightly agape, then replied, “Are you taking the piss?”

The presumed inspector shrugged as he continued to smile, and said, “Those who tell me their name may call me Vesh.”

“Right. Uh, I’m Nightwatch Officer Mar’lene de Balaursberg.”

“And by your name you identify yourself as a native to this town of Balaursberg, I see, and unmarried. And your companion?”

“A pig,” Mar’lene stated as Tod’d raised a hand weakly in protest while he continued trying to catch his breath. “Well, Lord Vesh, we weren’t expecting you until morning. The body was discovered about mid-afternoon and we sent word by messenger bird soon after. But even with the royal rider relay stations to speed your way I don’t see how it’s possible you’ve already made it here from the capitol. Unless the Royal Bureau of Inspection’s budget covers traveling by wing now?”

“Our bloody taxes at work, spent on giving noble busy-bodies private gryphon rides,” Tod’d managed to squeeze out between gasps.

“I didn’t come from the capitol, actually,” Vesh said as he squatted and swept the alley from wall to wall with his eyes. “Quite the reverse. I was on my way to it. I come from up the Valley, where I was assisting in my little way with the dwarven mafia problems plaguing the mines in the Sumber Hills. I was traveling down the river and stopped here for the night.”

Mar’lene narrowed her gaze. “The river runs smooth from here down to the capitol. Folks coming down the river stop for trade, not for rest. Boats sail through the night and arrive at the capitol docks by morning.”

Vesh’s smile widened. “Ah, but I know a little about your hamlet, such as that if I were to bypass it I would miss out on partaking of those delightful little honey pastries from the world famous Balaursberg Bakery. Ah, how I wish to taste the renowned smok-paczkis,” he said, his voice trailing as if caught in a dream of sweet confectionary paradise. His eyes, however, never stopped their incessant movement, looking at the ground, to the sheets draping the tiled rooftop on one side, to a barrel near the body on the other side, ever roaming and cataloging. “Of course, what happened here is the talk of the inn, and I thought that since luck had graced you with my presence at this unfortunate moment (and the bakery doesn’t open ‘til morn), I am bound by honorable duty to help in my own meager way.”

"Er, right. Well, milord, we're grateful for the providence of your presence, however happenstance it may be," Mar'lene said, struggling with what was for her unusually fine speech. "Pray tell, what have you, um, gleaned from your investigation thus far?"

"Hmm? Oh, nothing," replied Vesh. "This scene has been rained on for hours. Any potential footprints and chemical residue have been lost to mud and water. The corpse has probably deteriorated while sitting outside all day. Frankly, I don't know why you two have been guarding this alley in this freezing ass rain."

"Wha-," huffed Tod'd, finally finding strength in indignation to stagger back upright. "We were told that nothing could be disturbed until the Bailiff Inspector arrived!"

Standing up, Vesh shrugged and said, "I'm here now and I'm telling you that you've wasted your time. Cart the victim to the mortuary and free up this alley. I'll be by your headquarters later to take official command of this investigation from your watch commander."

Tod'd glared balefully and mumbled curses as he went out to the street to flag down and commandeer transportation. Mar'lene stayed behind, warily watching the small inspector as he slowly paced up and down the alley, scanning the ground. After a time, he glanced up and asked, "The scene has been completely undisturbed the whole day?"

"Since we arrived, yes," replied Mar'lene.

"Hmm. And how long after the body was discovered was that?"

"Immediately. Tod'd and I-"

"Ah, the pig?"

"Yeah, him. We were actually passing by at the time on our way to report for our watch, when Old Beth'any came screaming like a banshee out of this alley. We came in, found the half of corpse still smoldering, and Tod'd cordoned off the area while I ran to headquarters to report the body."

"I see. You were the one to leave the scene?"

"Yeah, what of it?" Mar'lene's eyes darkened. "I'm the better runner. Tod'd likes to say that he doesn't want to test the laws of inertia by disturbing his body from rest too quickly. He's a lazy slob."

Yet one with an analytical and surprisingly educated mind, Vesh thought to himself. As evident by both the crack about physics, and his analysis of the corpse and the sequencing of events leading to its current state. Tod'd was worth keeping an eye on and not just because he’d been alone with the body. But better to not let his partner on to it, regardless of how much disdain she was affecting. Vesh scratched at his chin and said, "Just seems a little odd, you know. Just happening to pass by and then immediately running off. Not a good look, generally speaking."

Against expectations, Mar'lene settled back, leaning against a wall and yawning. "Is that all you've come up with? 'Not a good look' for doing my job?"

That wasn't the usual reply for implying dereliction of duty. Typically guards got all charged up if you hinted at any sign of dirt or even lack of enthusiasm. Was this sudden composure a quirk of personality, Vesh wondered? Didn't seem likely, judging by the conversation he'd been eavesdropping on earlier, when she'd been full of fire and verve.

So what? Was this a prepared response? If so, what was it hiding? His mistrust of both guards disturbed Vesh. It didn't bode well for whatever was happening beneath the surface of this supposedly quaint town.

Vesh studied the relaxed guardswoman. Then he shrugged and gave an easy but hopefully enigmatic smile. "You know us inspectors. We have to cast about in any direction we can to get a start."

"No, I don't know," countered Mar'lene, with just a hint of defensive force. "We're not so big a city that we call upon a Bailiff Inspector to handle any old mugging."

"Indeed. Yet now one has been called for. Why? We are direct appointees of the king. We tend to handle problems of a larger scale than local murder, heinous though it may be."

Tod'd sloshed up the alley, with a cart set at the entrance. The downpour finally stopped, as the guards worked together to lift the cloak-covered corpse to the cart. As Tod'd took down the cordon and made way to leave, Mar'lene took a last glance back to the inspector and said in a careful and overly formal tone, "The request for a Bailiff Inspector and for the crime scene to be left untouched until their arrival came from His Honorable Xerkan Tralemere."

Vesh's eyebrows raised in surprise and the smile receded from his lips. "The patriarch of the Balaursberg dragon family?"

Mar'lene simply faced forward and left the alley, seemingly eager to be away from the cold and wet and also perhaps any further questions. Tod'd looked back down the alley and snapped, "You said our work was useless. Are you going to stand there like us in our stead all night being equally as useless?"

Vesh bowed and said, "Quite right, of course. Before we part, could you tell me where I can find Old Beth'any? So named, I hope, to distinguish her from a Young Beth'any?"

"No, she's just been around since before dirt was, and she's been mean for just as long," Tod'd said, barely containing a snarl for even this much of a delay. "You can find her making someone else's life a living hell at any hour of the day."

"She lives with her daughter, Sha'nn'on, in a house at the end of the street," Mar'lene added, with an air of supposed nonchalance, but Vesh tracked that the corner of her eyes were watching for his reaction.

He gave an exaggerated yawn and said, “Well, dealing with a harridan like that does not sound enticing. It would have been better to interrogate her today, but as she is already likely in bed, we’ll just let sleeping she-wolves lie. I think I shall walk a bit, familiarize myself with the town beyond the location of the bakery, and settle my thoughts before returning to my own lodgings. The real work shall begin in the morning. Do give my best to your commander.”

The guards glanced at each other, then turned to tend to the cart. Vesh didn’t think they fully believed him, but they seemed satisfied enough. However, they did wait, trying to look busy by endlessly fussing with securing the corpse to the cart, until Vesh was clear of the alley and far down the street. Only then was the mule at the head of the cart driven into dragging its macabre cargo away, through mists quickly settling into heavy fog.

The street, as the creaking of the cart receded into the distance, was silent at last. Yet through the fog from the direction of the cart came a shadow, moving quietly. It positioned itself in the front doorway of the bank, from whence it kept eyes glued to the mouth of the alley.

The shadow waited in its position in futility. For Vesh, upon reaching the end of the street, had circled around and came once again into the alley from its exit on the other side. He shook his head as he stepped back into the crime scene. As scheming as he feared the guards might be, did they truly not think of how he’d entered the alley in the first place? Vesh knew how to move quietly but invisibility was not one of his magic tricks. They hadn’t even put up another sign facing the opposite alley entrance from where they had been standing.

Now to check on the one spot of his suspicion that he hadn’t wanted the guards to know that he’d noticed. He crept quietly to the hanging sheets, taking care to avoid the heaviest mud that would pull the hardest at his boots and create the most noise. He passed under the sheets. Taking out an oiled flint lighter, he struck it alight with one hand as he covered the light with the other, leaving no sign of his presence to anyone watching the alley. He examined the roof under the sheets.

Broken tile. Cracked timber at the roof edge. Just a hint of char. Vesh clicked his lighter shut and stole away from the alley. He wandered the dark streets. Even without the fog, he would have been blind for the thoughts racing through his head. Burned, bitten in half, and now add dropped from a great height, smashing against the roof edge and tumbling over into the alley. A crime seemingly only able to be committed by a creature of great strength, with command of fire and able to fly? With everything pointing to a dragon, why then does a dragon try to drag in one of the chief investigative officers of the realm? Further, why would a dragon commit murder through means imminently traceable back to them? And why the (poorly executed) cover-up at the scene and the shifty guards with prepared responses?

Vesh’s steps slowed when they strained at a slope. He looked up at the former Baulersberg Mansion, now the home of the dragon family Tralemere, overlooking the town from atop a hill. To even begin to find answers, he’d need to learn more about what was really happening between the local nouveau riche and the townspeople they loomed over. In his experience, the best information came from the source, provided you could get it without being roasted.

A Bailiff Inspector's oath was to pursue the truth and administer the king's justice even should it lead them down the very throat of a dragon. Vesh hadn't considered before that that oath could be literal. Steeling himself against a small, hard knot of fear in his gut, he began climbing up to the dragons’ lair.

A second shadow, observing the foot of the hill from its hiding place behind the last house, ran away into the darkness.