Doe Money, Doe Problems

“Get a real job,” they said. “Frolicking in the woods won’t pay the bills no matter how ‘majestic’ you are.”

So I got my resume together, made a Linkedin profile, and applied to a bunch of places. It took about six months, but I finally got a job at a company that handles intellectual property. It’s not what I went to school for, just something I could learn on the job.

I have good communication skills and I can handle a spreadsheet, unless you want me to write formulas or macros. For stuff like that I’m useless. I’m not great with numbers, I’m a cervid for Christ sake. Leave the accounting to the cephalopods.

The company made reasonable accommodations. A modified keyboard designed for typing with hooves. An ergonomic chair to support my back and hind quarters. This is actually a really good job. I should be content.

I should count my blessings. Practice some self care. List my favorite things like Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music. That film has always been a favorite of mine since I was a fawn for obvious reasons.

Doe a deer, a female deer. Ray, a drop of golden sun…

Where’s my golden sun? I barely leave this office. The blue light from the monitor is giving me eye strain and this salad I ordered for lunch tastes like a plastic bag. I prefer fresh. But those things I can deal with. It’s the mental stress that’s really got me down.

There used to be six of us here, but Nancy retired, god bless her. Then Keshia left for greener pastures. Not literally. I mean she got a new job. They won't hire anybody to replace her. Instead, we had to redistribute her clients.

They make it seem like if we just organize ourselves a little more, we can and should be able to handle all this work. It’s playing tricks on my mind. If I leave something unfinished at the end of the day, I’m never sure if it’s me being inefficient or the company asking for too much. Whatever the case, these deadlines keep me up at night.

My friends tell me to go spend some of this money I’ve been making. Frankly, I don’t really know what to spend it on. I’m not buying a car. I don’t drive. It’s too difficult for us quadrupeds. Clothes aren’t my thing either. I don’t need them with my natural fur, and they never fit right anyway. Makeup? Jewelry? Forget it.

I miss frolicking. I mean, I do it on the weekends. I even joined a Facebook group for other animals with desk jobs who frolic on their days off. It’s just not the same. I get so depressed on Sunday nights, just knowing I’ll have to go back to my emails and spreadsheets.

I’m not sure how much longer I can take it. All I want to do is get out in the woods, smell the flowers, munch grass, and frolic as nature intended.

I’m doing it. I’m going to email my boss and tell her I quit, effective immediately…There.

Oh, my god, that felt good. I’m free and it's a beautiful day outside. The grass is so green! I will never look back. This is what life’s all about!

BLAM!

********************************

Two hunters stand over a fresh kill.

“Looks like you bagged another one, Johnny.”

“Yeah, it was the darndest thing. This white tailed doe ran right into my sights, grinning like an idiot, looking like she’d never been outside before. She was wearing those glasses.”

“What’s this world coming to?”

“I don’t know, man. At least she died happy, doing what she loved. Now help me get her into the truck. We’re having venison tonight!”