Doc Sherwood's Troilus and Cressida

Can you believe I still have this? The following play has been performed just once, in Northeast China on the Sixth of December 2019. I played the part of Troilus (see above). If you'd like to use the script in a production of your own, please feel free and let me know how it goes!

ACT 1: The Royal Palace of Ilium, Troy.

Enter CRESSIDA, HELEN and the DANCERS, who sit or lie down on easy-chairs and sofas.

Enter the UNCLE, who remains standing.

UNCLE: Fair ladies of Troy, and my lovely niece Cressida. Even as the Grecian siege of our beloved city wears on, suffer me to beguile the sad hours with these humble lyric strains.

The UNCLE begins to read the poem:

UNCLE: Cupid laid by his brand and fell asleep –

CRESSIDA: [Interrupting] Oh, Uncle Pandarus! The Prince of Licia you may be, but you need to get hip to the new sound, Daddy-O. Tell him about it, Helen of Troy!

Cue music: ‘Stupid Cupid’ by Connie Francis. Everyone dances. HELEN sings.

Exit all.

ACT 2: The Greek camp, under the walls of Troy.

Enter the KING, MENELAUS, ULYSSES, ACHILLES and DIOMED from one side of the stage.

Enter the FATHER, from the other side of the stage.

FATHER: What say you, Your Majesty, King Agamemnon of Greece? Trojan I may be, but I have proved my loyalty to you. Will you bring my daughter Cressida out of Troy, and allow her to live here with me?

KING: A family of Trojan traitors, old man? How quaint.

FATHER: But a young girl’s place is by her father’s side! And married to a respectable boy like your own Diomed here.

He claps DIOMED on the shoulder.

FATHER: Far better than that long-haired layabout Troilus!

MENELAUS: [To the KING] We have captured the Trojan warrior Antenor, Sire. Troy would be happy to make an exchange, outnumbered as they are. What’s more, honour demands we grant the old man’s request, in light of his services to our state.

KING: Bah! He’s a defector. His services were themselves dishonourable.

ACHILLES starts striding about the stage, beating his sword against his shield.

ACHILLES: Be that as it may, the wench were better to chose the winning side. [To the FATHER] Blood and thunder are coming for your people, dotard. Never will there be such a slaughter, nor such a glorious triumph for Greece!

ULYSSES: Spoken with customary eloquence, Achilles. But is anyone going to bother asking what this poor kid herself might prefer to do?

KING: Enough liberalism, Ulysses. For the girl’s safety, if nothing else, we are indeed honour-bound. Antenor shall be freed, and Cressida conveyed unto her father to marry Diomed.

Exit all.

ACT 3: The gardens of Troy.

TROILIUS and CRESSIDA, seated.

TROILUS: Cressida, centuries from now when young men are madly in love, my name will live on because everyone will say: “He’s as true as Troilus.”

CRESSIDA: And if I’m ever unfaithful to you, my dear, let history treat me the same way. May they say of all such bad girls: “She’s as false as Cressida.”

TROILUS: Oh Cressida, say you’ll always wear my sleeve, so that whenever you see it you’ll think of me.

TROILUS gives her his sleeve, and CRESSIDA puts it on.

Enter the UNCLE, in a hurry.

UNCLE: Troilus, Cressida, oh, it’s terrible! The Greeks are coming. You’re to be taken away from Troy, my niece, and married to their prince Diomed! You’ll never see Troilus again!

TROILUS and CRESSIDA cling together.

TROILUS: Is it concluded so?

Enter DIOMED, ULYSSES and the two Greek SOLDIERS.

DIOMED: It is indeed, by your people and mine. Now hand her over.

TROILUS: If that’s how it has to be, then I can’t stand in your way. But, Diomed, before you leave, I just want you to know…

Cue music: ‘Take Good Care of my Baby’ by Bobby Vinton. Everyone dances. TROILUS sings.

DIOMED: I’m planning to take good care of her, Trojan. It wasn’t your idea. To be blunt, your wishes don’t exactly enter into it. [To CRESSIDA] Come, my bride.

The SOLDIERS escort CRESSIDA offstage.

CRESSIDA: Troilus!

TROILUS: Cressida!

Exit CRESSIDA, SOLDIERS, DIOMED and the UNCLE.

ULYSSES: Troilus, I didn’t approve of this decision. Let me show you to our camp, so you can keep an eye on her.

Exit TROILUS and ULYSSES.

ACT 4: The Greek camp, by night.

Enter TROILUS and ULYSSES.

ULYSSES: Let’s hide over there, Troilus. They’ll pass by this way in a minute.

TROILUS and ULYSSES withdraw.

Enter CRESSIDA and DIOMED.

DIOMED: Fair Cressida, I will lavish on you the richest spoils of our impending victory.

CRESSIDA: Beware of Greeks bearing gifts, to coin a phrase.

DIOMED: I know what gift I would have of you in return. Give me your sleeve, that I may wear as a favour in the battle.

CRESSIDA: Oh, this? Well…

DIOMED: Ha! Who gave it to you?

CRESSIDA: No-one who really matters now, I guess.

CRESSIDA gives the sleeve to DIOMED, who puts it on.

DIOMED: My Cressida!

DIOMED and CRESSIDA embrace.

CRESSIDA: Never let it be said I don’t know how to make the best of a bad situation.

Exit CRESSIDA and DIOMED.

TROILUS and ULYSSES come forward.

ULYSSES: [Sympathetically] Dude.

TROILUS: I can’t even talk about this right now, Ulysses!

Exit ULYSSES.

TROILUS stands alone for a second or two.

Then enter the two SOLDIERS, one on either side of the stage. They hold up cards reading “Aw!”

Hold for audience reaction, then:

Exit SOLDIERS.

Cue music: ‘Lonesome Town’ by Ricky Nelson. TROILUS sings.

Enter ACHILLES.

TROILUS: Achilles!

ACHILLES: The time of dread reckoning is at hand. Cower before me, Trojan!

TROILUS: Never again, Achilles! Love made a fool of me once. From now until the moment I cease to draw breath, I swear I’ll face this world like a man!

TROILUS runs at ACHILLES, who kills him with a single blow.

TROILIUS dies.

ACHILLES: Troilus had his brains dashed out with a Grecian club. Ha ha ha!

Exit ACHILLES.

Enter the GHOST of William Shakespeare.

GHOST: Ho ho! Poor old Troilus. Hello, everyone, I’m the Ghost of William Shakespeare. We had a lot of fun watching this performance, but there’s nothing funny about the continuing neglect of my less-well-known plays here at HIU. I didn’t write nearly forty of the things so you could perform the exact same seven, year in year out. So please, remember the likes of Troilus and Cressida, and Pericles: Prince of Tyre, and Henry the Sixth Part Two. And to all the fair maidens out there in the audience this afternoon, be nice to your boyfriends. I don’t want to hear that any of you have been a second Cressida. Because, as is so often the case, I speak for healthy honest men everywhere when I say…

Cue music: ‘Bad to Me’ by Billy Jay Kramer and the Dakotas.

Enter SINGERS. Everyone dances. The GHOST and the SINGERS sing. Then:

Enter the SOLDIERS, one on either side of the stage. They hold up cards reading “The” and “End” respectively.

Curtain.