Deepest, Darkest

The cool October morning’s air was as crisp as the leaves beneath our feet. A group of school children passed by us, giggling as they raced toward the entrance and ignored their teacher’s calls to stay with the group. I could understand their excitement. Coming to the aquarium for field trips was something I used to look forward to, desperately waiting to press my snot-filled nose and dirty hands against the cool, clear glass of the animal’s exhibits.

These days, I was less eager to come to the aquarium. I didn’t squeal each time I came into the dimly-lit rooms as I once did. I stare at my shoes as I take another hit of my cheap cigarette, desperate to feel the same excitement as I once did. Next to me, Bea shifted her weight, dragging me out of my fog.

“Break’s almost up,” she coughs.

“Yeah, almost.”

I spit the taste of the smoke, nicotine, and regret out and aggressively snubbed the burning flesh of the cigarette out on the brick wall I was leaning against. I didn’t even like smoking, but it gave me twice as many breaks and a chance to hang out with Bea. I pull my work approved sweater tight around me and turn to Bea.

“Ready?”

She nods and drops the butt of her cigarette to the ground to crush it with her worn-out boot.

We stepped inside the employee only entrance and dragged ourselves into the poorly lit and even more poorly maintained Employee Break Room. A single bulb hanging from the center of the room swayed slightly as the air conditioner blew a gentle breeze. We grabbed our water bottles from the beat up fridge and made our way down the corridor to the bleak metal door that would take us back out to the main floor of the aquarium.

Once we stepped back into the lobby, all I could hear was the constant hum of chatter. Children were vibrating with excitement as teachers and parents organized them into smaller groups. Parents were juggling crying babies with runaway toddlers and oversized strollers. Small clusters of slow moving eldery outings blocked many pathways to the aquarium’s starting point. But the worst patron of all, the plethora of cutesy couples so in love with each other they don’t even watch where they’re going.

The couples disgusted me the most. Of all the places they chose to come to for a mid-morning date, they always chose the aquarium. But they never took their eyes off each other except to pull out their phones to take selfies. I wondered what it was like to feel that way for someone, so enamored that the thought of not even looking at them for one second would feel like the world ending. I scoffed at the thought and dragged myself back to my ticket sales window.

***

The day seemed endless between hoards of people streaming in every hour and the repetitive motion of taking money and giving tickets. I glance over at Bea who gives me a look that I know means she’ll have a crazy customer story when we get off. I smile slightly and sigh as I place my head in my hands.

Finally, a break in the cluster of people. I should take a drink of water and sit, but instead I stand up straight and twist back and forth to pop my back. As I turn back forward, my eyes wander to the face of a well-dressed man in a deep grey suit. His tie was a deep ocean blue, making his piercing blue eyes pop even more. On the lapel of his suit jacket rested a single, small enamel pin of a Great White shark.

He makes his way over to me and I feel my heartbeat quicken unexplainably. When he stops in front of my booth, I hold my breath waiting for him to speak.

He smiles, flashing his coffee stained teeth and speaks so low, I almost don’t hear him. “Afternoon, Miss Isla Brooks.1 ticket, please.”

I freeze. “H-how did you know my name?” I sputtered, my heart now pounding so fast, I could hear my blood rush to head in sync with the rhythm of my heart. I had never seen this man before in my life. Who was he and what did he want?

He looks at me puzzled and points to my name tag where it displays my full name in bold,black block letters under the aquarium’s signature sea turtle logo.

I chuckle nervously as I glance down. “Oh, yeah. I forgot.”

Embarrassed, I ring him up and swipe his card. I feel his eyes staring intensely at me while I rip the receipt off the printer and hand him his ticket. “Well, enjoy your time,” I managed meekly.

He lingers longer than most, well after his card was carefully placed back into his wallet. Still silently staring. “Did you need help with something else?”

He broke his trance and shook his head. “No, sorry. You just look like someone I know. The resemblance is stunning.”

“Oh? Well, sorry to disappoint,” I mumbled.

“You didn’t. It was just startling. You look like my wife did when she was your age, you know. My daughter would’ve been your age too if we hadn’t lost her.” He drops his eyes and shakes his head so slightly I wasn’t sure it even moved. “Never mind then, I’ll just grab my map and be on my way. Thank you.”

He was gone before I could say anything more, stepping into the darkened room of deep sea animals.

***

As my shift ended, Bea raced over to me and complained about the terrible experiences of the day, most notably the mother who argued that her son had only turned 4 today so we shouldn’t charge the children’s rate, but instead the toddler rate. She stormed out in a huff when Bea refused to do so. I chuckled in agreement when she asked, “isn’t that the craziest thing you’ve heard of?” This typically followed any encounter Bea told me about and I always agreed. This was our friendship—her incessantly complaining, then justifying her actions with making sure whoever was listening agreed that it was the craziest thing to ever happen.

This friendship was worth it to me because it didn’t require much energy from me. Which is why it actually surprised me when Bea changed the subject for once.

“So who was that guy you talked to forever?”

“What guy?” I responded absentmindedly as I picked at the fraying skin by my nail bed.

“That super hot older guy in the suit with some pin. Didn’t catch what it was ‘cause he made a beeline to your booth as he ran past mine.”

An exaggeration, as always. “Oh, no one. Just said I reminded him of his wife when she was my age.”

This elicited a squeal from Bea. “Ohmigosh, he was hitting on you?!”

I shifted uncomfortably, tugging now at the cuffs of my sleeves, trying to be invisible again. “Not really. Besides, he’s old enough to be my dad.” My nose wrinkled at the thought of any type of attraction between us.

“Isla. We have to go find him so we can be sure. I mean, sure he’s older but hellooooo stability and more income than you make here. This is what you’ve dreamed of!”

She made a fair point. My wages here were laughable and definitely not livable. Having someone with more income in my life wouldn’t hurt, even just until I could catch up on bills.

“Fine. But you’re coming with me.”

***

It had been a long time since I walked through the aquarium like this. I usually only checked tickets or sold them. I remember how eager I was to get to my favorite exhibits, dragging whoever took me past tanks of small fish. I wanted to go to the tunnel.

The tunnel was a glass aquarium that you could walk through and watch as sea creatures swam above and around you. I loved the way the stingrays bellies squished so it looked like little faces watching you and how big the sleek, white stomachs of sharks looked as they gracefully glided to the other side.

Overcome with nostalgia, I froze in place and stared up at the ceiling and was amazed with the beauty. It hadn’t changed since I was a girl, but I saw the aquarium like I once used to--a magical place full of wonder and hope. Bea jabbed me in the ribs, breaking the spell that held me in place.

“Look...Over there,” she hissed pointing at the end of the tunnel.

The man with the shark pin stood at the edge of the tunnel, head back, staring at the sea life above him. He looked almost sad, but he never took his eyes off the place overhead.

I cleared my throat as I walked over to him. “Ah, yes. Um, excuse me, sir?” I questioned nervously.

He looks down and I feel his eyes burn into mine with fiery recognition. I’ve seen this man before, I realize. Up close I see the crinkle by his eyes from years of smiling and laughter and the small mole on his hairline, barely visible between the wisps that pull down toward his bushy eyebrows.

“You...It is you.” He grins and I feel uneasy again as I did when I first saw him earlier today.

“Oh, um. W-what?” I stammer.

“Don’t you remember, my sweet little starfish? It’s me, your daddy!” He chuckles low and reaches toward me. Instinctively, I back up, just barely out of grasp.

“You must have mistaken me, sir. I don’t know you.” I stood up straight, feeling bolder. I glance at Bea across the tunnel and she gives me two thumbs up and a big smile. I frown and turn away again.

The blue glow of light filtered through water suddenly seems eerie. Suddenly, it strikes me how I recognize this man. The man who once tried to kidnap me from this very tunnel as I stared at a large shark, refusing to look elsewhere. It was crowded that day, and mom and dad let me run ahead knowing I’d stay in the tunnel. Knowing now that if they had showed up seconds later, I would have been gone.

I wasn’t the missing girl that this man was looking for. I just happened to look like his daughter, Starla. I remember the missing posters for her and how she was never found. This man tried to take me to replace her. I slowly back up creating more space between us.

“It...It is you. I’m sorry about Starla, but I’m not her.”

“My baby Starla, how can you reject daddy after all these years?” He reached out and grabbed my arm hard.

My stomach sank, and frantically looked for Bea. She frowned when she saw my panic. She pulled out her phone and disappeared into the crowd for only a moment.

I kept trying to back away as I repeated No over and over, reliving the fear of that day, not caring about the scene I was causing. I remember why I was both drawn in and disgusted by this place, disgusted by anyone unable to acknowledge their surroundings. This man, with the enamel shark pin, once had tried to kidnap me in plain sight in my favorite place. He ruined my memories and my feelings toward something I once loved, and I had blocked this memory.

It wasn’t the place or the families or the job I disdained about this place. It was the terror filled memory I chose to forget that made me dread this place. Crying, I kept trying to back up to get away. Even as the security guards came and pulled him off me. Even as the police showed up to take my statement. Even as I ran to my car ignoring Bea’s calls for me. I kept crying until I was at my mother’s door and then on her couch in her arms. I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore because I realized the truth of what happened to me, to Starla.

That night, I only dreamed of a single great white shark circling my body-- no, Starla’s body-- in the middle of the deepest, darkest ocean.