Deep, dark, cold blue

The night it all started, the air was crisp and chilly, but overhead, there were sprinklings of stars dotting the milky blue and black expanse. The moon was right there in front of us, laying across the sky like a lonely sleeping goddess, winking at us.

Calm, cool and sweet.

My darling was next to me, smoking an old cigarette butt he found on the ship deck, spitting up some of the nasty flavor he caught in his throat with a hacking cough.

We only had had enough dough to get two third class tickets for the two of us, a few used suitcases and travel supplies, as we scrimped and saved from months of working at textile factories, work mills, and embarrassingly, at one point having to evoke Southampton’s Poor Law(much to his obvious opposition to it) so we wouldn’t starve to death. All of this was only just enough to make our fare to get on this magnificent ship.

“So, New York will be pretty great, don’t you think, Popee?” He coughs again. I roll my eyes.

“Not if you hack up your lungs on the ship’s railing before we get there! New York will miss you, buddy!”

“You’ll miss me!”

“Hah! I’ll miss you like a rock in my shoe.”

“My shoes have holes in them,” Kedamono says suddenly, his foot in the air with the said broken up shoe. “So do yours. Rocks don’t even like us.”

“I’ll buy us new shoes. America makes good, sturdy things. They cost more, yes,” I sigh in a overtly dramatic manner, “but they always last longer.”

“Why’d your dad even have us travel to England? They hated us. Hated our circus act. I don’t know why…”

“He was just tryin’ new places, trying to get our show to gain traction,” I say, and we give each other a knowing look, and I can tell he knows I’m just skirting around the issue. He’s just too nice to call me on my bullshit. “Hey, Keda? Remember?” I laugh, and he looks even more solemnly at me.

“Huh? Remember what, Popee?” His eyes widen, and he coughs again, making me frown.

“Those old ladies!” I laugh again.

“Oh. From London, yeah,” He seems to recollect and grins.

“And when we told them we were from the circus…” I say in a breathless titter, “They said..”

“The only circus we care about is Piccadilly, young man!” Kedamono finishes with a giddy laugh. “The junction to connect Regent street with Piccadilly!”

I laugh louder, making some of the staff nearby give us bad looks. “And then..” I lower my voice. He leans in and smiles a sweet smile. “You said, if you like circles so much, here’s mine!”

Kedamono nods, a goofy smile plastered on his face. “I threw my yo-yo at them. Not my best moment. I was hoping they were rich—-and they’d be paying customers.” He sighs, and says, “Just thinking about all those days we were near starvin’ to death..”

“Keda,” I start to think about the past before my father abandoned me and left me to my own devices, and try not to get upset. “Don’t worry about that. I know we were stuck in England for a long time. But… I have heard amazing things about New York. Like…Great opportunity. As far as the circus and my dad is concerned, I’m never going back and I’m basically as much of an orphan as you are… But,” I lean in close and whisper, “You really should quit smoking. That cough really worries me.”

“That’s not the smoking. I have asthma. Or something.”

“You a doctor, now? Come on, Keda. Get a grip.”

“I made a friend the other night,” Kedamono says, ignoring my frustration. I roll my eyes.

I look at him questioningly, my curiosity overturning my annoyance. “Who?”

“Strangely enough, a doctor. He’s up in the first class. We struck up a conversation about the engineering of the ship, and how many men it takes to keep the whole thing running everyday…”

“Oh. That’s interesting. Nice, too. I guess even on a ship as big as the Titanic you can talk to rich folk without anyone making a fuss.”

“Yeah. I know they separate us technically and literally. But, not everyone thinks they’re better than others just because of their wealth.”

I saw that the other passengers were starting to go inside their cabins, so I gave Kedamono a small glance to signal we should go too. He immediately understood and we went back down to the third class cabins.

We didn’t always have to say things to understand each other. Even as kids, we were poor and had nothing, we'd play in the creek, and sometimes just make up our own worlds together. I knew he could read through my own posturing and immature games—-he could read me like a book and it never bothered me as he didn’t judge me. Kedamono’s lovely eyes and expressions were so open and deep, I could always read them, and it would make me feel safe. It would help me forget bad things that had happened.

Deep, dark, cold things.

But there was something I never told him. Dear old Kedamono, my very dearest friend and companion, my circus partner and my true confidant, was also my secret love.

With his curly dark hair, dreamy gray eyes like the moon I so adored…

I couldn’t ruin our friendship that way. Also, it is very frowned upon to be in love with another man, as I am a man.

As we get to our small shared cabin, we talk about dinner. Kedamono is impressed by everything on the ship, but I’m not.

“Four days on this blasted hunk of junk and we get porridge, rice soup and stewed figs?”

“I like it. Tastes good!” He says as he gets ready for bed, changing. I don’t look out of respect.

“You like everything. You’re so damn annoying.”

“Popee, you’re just tired. Go to sleep!”

“I will. Good night!” I go to turn off the lights.

“Popee? I can’t see.”

“Good night!”

Within twenty minutes, I finally start to fall asleep, hearing Kedamono’s light snoring from his own bunk bed.

It is peaceful, but, of course tonight I have the worst nightmare of my life.

Of that night in the circus, when no one was there. Kedamono had not joined our circus group just yet. My dad—-he was out somewhere.

And those robbers.

They swooped in while I was asleep.

I still remember the pinch I felt on my hand by that lady in the group to wake me up, as she coldly asked me where we kept our money. I told her we had nothing to steal.

I was already sleeping outside, so I was used to being cold.

They threw me in the nearby pond next to our circus tent.

Every time I came up for air, I thought I would die, seeing everything in an orange haze. The sky, the moon, the tent.

Even the faces of the robbers. Blurred and orange and distorted.

They were laughing at me as I was bobbing in and out of the water while one of the men held onto my head roughly, as if my eventual death would be the ultimate payoff to their night.

But, they didn’t kill me, instead, they let me know how pathetic I was to live. And to stay alive as a clown with nothing.

No one to care if I lived or died.

Deep, dark, cold blue.

I woke up crying, and shivering.

I felt a gentle feeling overcome my anxiety as I saw the outline of Kedamono near me.

“Popee? Was it about what happened? Do you need anything?”

I was still shivering. I felt like a fool. He already knew what happened. He was the only one I trusted to know—-to tell him everything about that night was easy as he was an excellent listener. Not only that, but he was the most beautiful person, so empathetic and kind. He never asked too many questions, just knew I needed help and support.

“Keda…”

Our eyes lock and instantly fall into a primal connection, a deep impenetrable bond that we has been deepening for decades.

He hugs me, and I hug back.

“Living with you has been domestic bliss…” Kedamono says softly. I laugh with my tears, and he hugs me tighter.

“Even when I bitch and moan?”

“Yes.”

“Even when I yell?”

“Yeah…”

“Even when I..”

“Don’t push it.”

Silence hits us, and it feels good, like it belongs to us.

“Keda, I got something to tell you.” I draw in a breath that stings my lungs. I finally feel ready to tell him. I think it’ll be okay, I sense it between us. That deep affirmation and trust.

“Yeah?”

“I… I really need to say this… and—”

Suddenly, we hear a huge boom and feel a shuddering throughout the entire ship.

It was then I realized something was terribly wrong. It was too late by the time we found out what happened. Apparently, a large iceberg struck the side of the ship and it was sinking fast. Kedamono was panicking and running around, trying to find a boat for us, but I knew it wasn’t going to happen.

He made sure we have life preservers on, and kept trying to give me his coat.

“Popee, please, put this on,” He said, his face somehow ghostly pale and red at the same time.

“No, you need it.”

I finally put it on as I saw Kedamono almost start crying as he kept asking me to, and then, he took me by the hand as we started talking to everyone and running around crazily. The whole thing was a madhouse and I felt horrible for families getting ripped apart from each other. Children crying and mothers weeping, saying goodbye to husbands and fathers. It made me cry watching it, each time feeling worse than the last.

I knew as third class ticket holders we didn’t stand a chance as they were only seating first class mainly. And even with Second class they were just barely starting to get boarded.

Walking past a grand staircase, I saw as we were running past a large mirror, my long blonde hair tumbling like a crazy person’s.

I finally had had enough.

“Keda! Stop!” I grab his arm and pull him from wherever he thinks he’s going.

“We have to get to a life boat! We can’t stop!”

“We aren’t getting one!”

“Ye-yes… yes we are!” Kedamono says in a broken sob.

“No…” I look at him gently, taking his hand in mine. “We aren’t.”

“I am going to get one for us,” he says suddenly. “For you.”

“Keda… we can stay together. No matter what.” I see the water rising and involuntarily shiver. Kedamono notices and takes me by my arm, pulling me away from the ocean water lining against the once beautiful floor of the ship. “I need… I need to tell you something.”

Kedamono sighs and nods, his eyes twinkling as bright as the moon earlier this evening. “Listen… Popee… I know. I’m not as dumb as I look or act. Just let me do this for you.”

He looks around frantically and suddenly looks like he’s figured it all out.

“Do what for me, Keda? And what do you know? How can you possibly know without me saying it?”

“Popee, I know because we can speak it without saying it. We always have done this, even as kids. We have something no one can ever take away… that no one will ever understand,” He leans in close to my face and I see his eyes. His pupils are big, and my heart is beating so fast I can’t stand it. “Don’t worry. I’ll be back. Don’t go anywhere, do you understand?”

I nod, but feel my heart ache with a deep, drumming pounding in my chest as he leaves.

Finally, after five minutes of hell waiting for him, he arrives, the water that was across the room now to close to the staircase, making my already badly soled and hole filled shoes sopping wet.

“Popee… I got you a boat. Let’s go.”

I look at him worriedly, “Boat?”

“Yeah. Life boat! Hurry.”

“Keda, what about—about you?” I ask as he grabs my hand and has us start running up the stairs.

“That doctor friend Conrad Dewitt I told you about, he’s giving up his ticket and seat. He has no wife or children and he and some other gentlemen want to drink brandy and stay behind… an honor thing,” Keda explains in a rush, and I can tell he’s out of breath.

“Honor thing? What the hell?”

“Popee, please don’t argue! I don’t want anything to happen to you. You scared me earlier with your nightmare…!”

I hear the desperation in his voice, and I close my mouth, feeling my pulse in my throat. We go up an elevator that is barely working and get up on the deck.

The lights go out. Everyone starts screaming.

I hear Nearer My God to Thee being played by some men in suits a little distance away from us.

Boats are haphazardly being tied down as people are being put in ten to twenty in each one.

The night it all started, the air was crisp and chilly, but overhead, there were sprinklings of stars dotting the milky blue and black expanse. The moon was right there in front of us, laying across the sky like a lonely sleeping goddess, winking at us.

Calm, cool and sweet.

Now, the sky looks black. The moon left us and the stars are blotted out like some master painter used a paintbrush of dark paint to slosh it lazily against the sky.

My darling is still next to me, and I am cold.

The ocean below looks deathly calm.

As he helps me go into the boat, his eyes tell me everything. Our hands touch, and it feels like the warmest sun hits my heart.

“Aren’t you coming?” I ask.

“This boat is at capacity!” The crewman says.

I realize he’s not going to be coming, so I instantly try to get up, and leave, making the boat tilt dangerously.

“Popee, you need to stay in the boat!”

“No!”

“I’ll find another boat!”

“Liar!” I cry. The other passengers are telling to me to sit down and stop moving. “Someone move over and make room!” I yell frantically. No one moved an inch; we were already full.

The ship is already split in two, and most of it is in the water. I can tell it’s dark contents lie something else in its blue, cold depths.

Despair.

Death.

Also, a promise.

“The thought of you going through the same fate as you almost did when you were younger—-I can’t bear it,” Kedamono says finally, “I’m a bit older and tougher, I will be okay…” he tries to say with a smile, but I see his tears.

I can’t speak as I hear his explanation, and though it warms my heart, I feel numb to what’s going on. I want to die in his arms. To kiss him and whisper sweet nothings in his ear to our last breath. I wanted to tell him he was the love of my entire life.

As my life boat settles in the water, I see Kedamono looking at me, as the flares hit the sky. He no longer is there in a single blink. My breath drops from my lips, sucked out of my lungs like the strongest part of me is gone.

I sob painfully and loudly, my chest hurting, as our boat gets further away from my love, that ship of dreams. Not my dream, it went away, down into those painfully quiet waters. Did he throw himself overboard to escape from a longer death? Did he refuse to let me watch him die? I’ll never know, and it kills me that I couldn’t save him.

The ship that was supposed to bring me and my darling to a new life, a new destiny.

Now everything I have ever loved was sinking in a deep, cold, blue terror.

In this horrible tragedy, he healed those cracks I so desperately needed to fix. My dear, sweet Kedamono.

Domestic bliss was always with you, on that ghostly ship, in our childhood, and now, in my very survival.

****

Author note: I do not own the characters Popee & Kedamono. I love them so much, however, and give honor to their creator Ryuji Masuda. I appreciate their creative vision so much. I only own my writing. I hope you have enjoyed this piece! Thank you, Melissa