Death Floats

The cool water slithers up my skin and seeps through my thin nightgown. It chills me to the bone as it drinks the warmth from my body. My auburn hair drifts through the murky, dying waves of the creek as I lay still. My emerald eyes stare unblinkingly at the setting sun. My chest rises and falls slowly, almost unnoticeably. My eyelids creep down inch-by-inch until my view is obstructed by my inner darkness.

My pale chapped lips part as they attempt to take in more air. I feel a heavy weight on my chest, crushing my lungs until they feel they might pop. A small rock beneath my head digs into my flesh, but I can't even grit my teeth in pain. Mere seconds drag on for hours as I lay still, my lungs feeling no relief. The rays of sunshine dissipates and the temperature of the water drops to freezing.

A soft warm breeze nips at my nose and an involuntary shiver ripples through my body. Am I dead? I think to myself morbidly. Is this really what death feels like? Like you're paralyzed as your body decays around you? I try to will my body to move again and I feel my index finger twitch. I can move! I hear the wind whistling through the trees. I almost mistake it for the sound of teenage girls whispering amongst themselves.

I slowly begin to picture their faces, how they look leaning over their trays during lunch in the crowded cafeteria. I see one, her hair a flaming red and her emerald eyes aglow. It takes a few seconds for me to realize...that girl is me. I think to myself as I watch this scene unfold, remembering it as if it were only yesterday. In that moment, I was truly happy. Untouched by grief or heartbreak.

It was November of 2012, a few short months before my own world had been turned upside down. As I am watching this memory, I see a cute dark haired boy sit at our table next to a dark-eyed blonde. Annie. I feel my heart ache in my chest. I come to stand behind my past self and stare in awe at her lovely face. It was the face of someone I had grown up with and the face of someone I had lost. It was my second taste of grief that had shattered my world.

We were sophomores in high school when Annie had died. It had been in March the following year when Annie had been killed by a drunk driver. She had gone dress shopping for prom the following month...she never even got to show me her dress. I feel tears building in my eyes and I lean over myself, just wanting to relive this moment as much as possible.

A hardy chuckle catches my attention and my gaze whips to the boy sitting beside Annie, my heart fluttering. It was Annie's twin brother, Matthew, who has also been my boyfriend since who knows how long. I remember vividly now how he had asked me to homecoming. He talked and laughed, making us other girls giggle while Annie elbowed him playfully in the arm.

I remember their relationship being so different compared to mine and my brother, Jeremy's. My heart drops as I think about him. Suddenly, a cold whoosh rushes through my body and I touch my nose as it begins to drip with water. I look up in surprise and I freeze. Annie is looking at me. Not the me in the memory. Me.

She slowly rises from the table and walks around it to stand in front of me. "Chloe?" she asks, tears rushing in her eyes. I open my mouth unsure of what to say. She's been gone five years, what am I supposed to say? I nod my head slowly and Annie reaches out, touching my face. "What are you doing here? You...you can't be here. It's not time yet."

I feel a pang in my chest as I touch her hand, her skin physically touching mine back. "I'm so sorry," I whisper, a lump rising in my throat. "I'm so sorry...I shouldn't have let you go alone." Annie shakes her head, her curls bouncing against her face.

"Do not apologize. It was my time. I accept that now, but I...you can't be here. You have to keep moving."

"But, Annie, I-" Before I can finish my sentence, I feel a soft push as I drift through air. Falling as I saw memory after memory floating by me. This must be what people talk about when they say their life flashed before their eyes.

I hear the far off sound of birds calling to each other and I think back to my mother calling me and Jeremy into the house when I was younger. Jeremy. I think sadly. Suddenly, I'm standing on the side of a street in a suburban neighborhood. I smile when I see my house and down the street is the park where Jeremy and I used to play.

I start to step into the street when a car roars by me, not bothering to stop. I gasp in surprise and I glance down the way, watching as the car skips the stop sign as a familiar little boy begins to run into the street after his ball.

"NO!" I scream with all the force left within my lungs as I begin to sprint after the car. I watch as the boy's body collides with the car and I gasp in shock, my hands clamped against my mouth as I freeze in place.

"Jeremy!" I hear a younger girl's voice call. Tears build in my eyes as I watch a younger version of myself run over to my brother. I run to them and I watch as I cradle him against my chest. I can almost feel that same weight against my chest now. Jeremy had only been nine when this had happened.

My mother had never seemed to forgive me for what happened. I was only twelve and was having a good time playing with my friends...I hadn't even thought about Jeremy and his ball until it was too late. I have hated myself since the accident had occurred. No child deserved to be confined to a chair for the rest of his life.

Somewhere in the distance, I can hear people rushing on the trails to get back to their cars before it became too dark out. The memory dissolves before me and I'm left standing in a dark bedroom. I glance around at the walls and smile softly. It was my room when I was about seven. I hear Jeremy crying in the next room and someone talking downstairs. I recognize the voice immediately. It was my father!

I make my way towards the door, but stop when I hear the light click on in the next room. I sit down in a little rocking chair my grandfather had built for me when I was born. I wring my hands together, waiting for him to come in as he always did. Sure enough, through the glow of the nightlight, I see him. He comes in slowly and I take in his exhausted profile.

The cancer had been really getting to him at this time. How I had never recalled this minute detail escapes me as I watch him go to my bedside and plant a kiss on my younger self's forehead. Tears build in my eyes as I watch, missing him so much. He turns to leave, but freezes in his place.

It dawns on me now...he can see me too. I slowly stand up from the chair and the whole room around us just brightens. Little me stays fast asleep in her bed, her little Moo-Moo tucked under her chin.

"Poppy?" he says and my heart lurches in my chest. I sniffle and wipe my eyes.

"I haven't heard that name in...twelve years. Hi, Daddy..." Tears well up in his eyes and I can see he's struggling to get more words out.

"My girl...you're here?" His voice is barely above a whisper and I nod my head, my lower lip curling outwards. "You're here." He walks over to me and scoops me into his arms, crushing me in his arms in a bear hug. I wrap my arms around him and cry into his chest.

"I-I'm so sorry, Daddy," I sob into his chest. He pets my head softly and kisses the side of my head.

"Don't you apologize to me, my angel," I can hear his heartbeat in his chest and squeeze him tighter. He holds me at arms' length and smiles at me. "I've been watching...I've been waiting, but I didn't think you'd come to me so young..." I sniffle and rub my nose.

"Annie says it's not my time..." My dad nods his head sadly and squeezes my arms lovingly.

"She's right, Poppy...it's not."

In the far off distance, I hear people yelling my name. I look around us, but see no one. "I think it's time you go back, Poppy." My eyes widen and my eyes well up with more tears.

"No...no I'm not leaving you again, Daddy. I don't want to leave you."

He cups my face and plants a kiss on my forehead. "Chloe, I know you don't want to leave me...I don't want you to go either, but you still have so much living to do. You have greatness in you...don't put that light out like this." I feel woozy all of a sudden, my legs nearly collapsing under me. My dad steadies me, holding me tightly. "I've got you, baby. I've always got you, don't forget that. Just because you can't see me does not mean I am not there cheering you on."

I smile at him and hug him tightly again, never wanting to forget what it felt like. He plants another soft kiss on my forehead as the bedroom door slowly begins to swing open. We both look at it and it opens to a tunnel. "This is your ticket back, Poppy. Take it." I step towards the door and glance back at my father.

"I've never forgotten you, Daddy."

"I know you haven't, baby. I'll never forget you. Kiss your mother and hug your brother for me." I nod my head slowly and turn back towards the door. I walk down the tunnel, the door closing behind me. I hear voices all familiar ones as I walk down. I hear my mother, Jeremy, and Matt. Not all at once, but all hushed and quiet.

"Come back to me, my baby," I hear my mother say. "I promise you things will be so different."

"I love you, Chloe...don't leave me here. Who's gonna play games with me?" I hear Jeremy. I begin to run towards the light, knowing it was my only way home.

"Chloe, I love you...and I'm sorry it's taken me so long to say it. I want to be with you. I want to marry you. I want to love you, Chloe, please come back. I don't want a life with anyone else." It's Matt. I sprint through the light and I'm blinded by the hospital lights as my eyes flutter open. I glance over, seeing Matt's shaking body lay against my arm as he clings to my hand.

"I...love...you...too..." I whisper, my voice hoarse. Matt's blood shot eyes meet mine and he smiles, planting kiss after kiss on my hand.

"Nurse? Nurse!" He calls before turning back to me and kissing my forehead, throwing his arms around me. I hear running and smile when I see my mom pushing Jeremy, and their faces of relief.

"My baby!" My mom pushes Jeremy up to the bed and throws her arms around me and Matt. Jeremy reaches out, gripping my hand in his. I cry into their bodies, accepting their kisses and affectionate ways more than I had in years.