Dear Humans: Your Phone Is Not an Oracle

⚠️ Interstellar Advisory Notice

Greetings, Humans.

We come in curiosity, not conquest.

From a safe distance, we have observed a fascinating ritual:

you bow daily to glowing rectangles,

consult them for truth,

and panic when they go silent.

How charming.

Below are our humble instructions.

Instruction 1: The Rectangle Is Not Sacred

Before you bow to your smartphone, pause.

It is a complicated rectangle.

Not an oracle.

Not a reincarnated ancestor.

Not a being with a doctorate in Everything Ever Known.

If it vibrates, it is not calling your destiny.

It is simply… vibrating.

Instruction 2: Respect the Lamppost

If you collide with a lamppost while texting,

please apologize to the lamppost.

It was here first.

It has never walked into you.

From orbit, this moment is hilarious—

especially when physics joins the conversation:

mass, speed, force,

and a brief but meaningful transfer of kinetic energy.

Aliens call this learning the hard way.

Instruction 3: Autocorrect Is the Trickster

When “on my way” becomes

“impotent walrus,”

remain calm.

This is not betrayal.

This is your phone reminding you who is really in control.

Hint: it’s not you.

Instruction 4: When Wisdom Becomes Directions

If you ask your phone for answers

and it sends you to a place you are already standing in,

breathe.

This is a sign.

You are now the leader of this expedition.

Try looking around.

Instruction 5: Do Not Throw the Rectangle

When your phone freezes,

do not hurl it into the wind in rage.

It is not broken.

It is meditating.

Join it.

Stillness may reboot you faster than it reboots the device.

Instruction 6: Activate Ancient Technology

When confused, overwhelmed, or lost,

activate your original operating system:

Eyes

Ears

Intuition

That mysterious feature called thinking before doing

It has no battery limit.

Final Instruction (Most Important)

Remember:

Your phone is “smart” because you made it.

If it behaves foolishly,

it is only mirroring its slightly distracted creator.

A spirit of glass may be clever.

A spirit of flesh should be wiser.

Use the cleverness.

Protect the wisdom.

The aliens are still watching—

and rooting for you.