Day of the Unfit

Sarora stood among small trees and plants grazing her coat. A gust of wind forced a thorned branch to scratch her cheek, but her eyes didn’t so much as blink. They remained focused on the sleeping babe Sarora had laid in a nook of downed leaves and small, blue flowers. Only thirty feet stood between the child and Sarora, but it felt like thirty miles. She forced herself to stay rigid, emotionless. Waiting.

A hot tendril of pain erupted in Sarora’s neck and chased itself down her spine. She had repeatedly made the mistake the last few months of letting her face twist when the eruptions started in her body, but she wouldn’t now. Anger is a useless cure too late, she thought.

The forest quieted. Even the breeze knew something stronger was approaching. Sarora allowed herself one breath, then looked up. She knew that those on the other end of the videoscreens hidden around her would be wide-eyed with giddy fear, despite them being the only reason they were watching her, the child, and the sky.

A shadow washed itself across the small valley, and Sarora felt her resolve sputter in her chest. But she reminded herself why she was here. She wouldn’t let the hiccup in her heartbeat now be the thing that unraveled her. There was already too much tempting the scales that way.

Sarora had been stuck in her thoughts a moment too long. When she focused in front of her again, the dragon had already landed.

It was relatively small, the size of a school bus. The dragon’s face, though, outwitted any idea that its size compared to its ferocity. Its eyes weren’t just blanketed in aggression, but intelligence. When it opened its mouth and Sarora saw the teeth that lined the inside, she felt her body finally give into the fear she’d been harboring since the Announcement, and stumbled a few paces backward. Awkward steps further frustrated the pain in her spine. Scales on the sides of the dragon’s face lifted just a few inches as it let out a low growl, almost more of a hum, and underneath were red and orange dancing together like the fire in Sarora’s back.

Sarora found herself thinking of the dragon as a female, despite not knowing how to tell the difference.

For a few moments, the dragon paid attention to the child at its feet. Then, as if she could feel Sarora’s eyes on her, she looked up. With Sarora’s heart pounding in her chest, she wondered if she would be set ablaze then. But the dragon didn’t move until she looked down again.

Sarora’s fear held her in place for so long that she didn’t notice the child already wrapped in the dragon’s grip. The greenish yellow in her eyes bore a complicated mixture, and Sarora found herself unable to read it solely as viciousness. One last look was tossed between the two ladies in the wood, then wings replaced the breeze. Before Sarora could so much as glance once more at the child, the dragon was above the trees.

“Wait,” she whispered, stepping forward for a feeble attempt at getting closer to the dragon already hundreds of feet away. When she knew her voice didn’t carry, Sarora looked blankly down at the blue flowers she chose when she still believed she could remember them peacefully.

****

Sarora walked into the home she shared with her sister. Coming back from the woods, she ignored her nausea. The events in the nook replayed in her mind. She didn’t know what she expected from staying long enough to witness the dragon, but the event seemed to play out oddly.

She could smell garlic and tomato wafting from the kitchen, and smiled sardonically. Why else would her favorite dinner be cooked, if not to celebrate a Day of the Unfit?

The living room was quiet. Alanna’s children must have still been at school; Sarora had no idea of the time. She had hoped to avoid her sister, but she had barely taken off her boots when Sarora felt arms put stiffly around her. As quickly as they were there, they disappeared again. Hands on her shoulders, Alanna pulled her out of the hug and sternly asked, “What do you think you were doing?”

“I think I was doing my Duty as an Unfit, Alanna,” Sarora said with sarcasm. She wanted to display the same apathy she attempted in the woods for her sister, for she knew that trying to do otherwise would lead to disappointment.

Alanna sighed, but kept the hard look in her brown eyes. “You weren’t supposed to wait for the dragon,” she said.

“Just because most don’t wait for the dragon doesn’t mean there’s an actual rule about it,” Sarora said. She wasn’t in the mood for discussing her Day of the Unfit, and hoped to find a way out of the conversation quickly.

Alanna swallowed the way she did when she was holding back her temper, and started to walk back toward the kitchen. Sarora almost believed the commentary was over when Alanna said over her shoulder, “You know, I was watching the whole time on the videoscreen. You were so brave.”

“Brave?” Sarora asked. How was it brave to do something you were forced to do?

Alanna stopped and turned around in the hallway. “Yes.”

Sarora laughed. Anger rose up inside her. She told her sister, “You know, you had me for a moment there. I almost thought you were concerned.”

“I was concerned, Sarora. But you know as well as I do that we have rules we must follow and duties we must perform,” Alanna said, with a slight but perfect nod.

“Except that you’ve never had to perform them. I did!” Sarora shouted. She could feel her apathetic facade falling away, but couldn’t stop it. Alanna never seemed to care about the horror of what Sarora just went through.

Alanna tilted her head and said simply, “If I was asked to perform them, I would have.”

“I wasn’t asked. I had no choice,” Sarora pointed out.

Sighing again, Alanna said, “I think you should -”

Sarora didn’t give a damn what Alanna thought she should do. Looking at her sister with a face she hoped was as angry as she felt, she said, “You lost your nephew, too, Alanna. Doesn’t that bother you?”

Finally, it seemed, the conversation had come to a stop. Alanna looked at her plainly.

Sarora looked past her sister toward the kitchen. She didn’t doubt that Alanna was attempting to make her favorite dinner as a pathetic means to comfort her. But she didn’t want her sister’s forced sympathy.

“I’m not hungry,” she said. She put her boots back on, grabbed her coat, and walked out the door.

****

She wasn’t sure where she was going. She just needed to get away from Alanna. She wasn’t entirely sure why she went straight home in the first place. Sarora knew how her sister acted. Alanna was a perfect rule follower. She was never the person you wanted to ask for help, because she would reevaluate a hundred times over what you did wrong that required help. Alanna simply accepted the cruelty of the world they lived in, even if there was a chance that somewhere inside her, she didn’t like it. Sarora couldn’t stand it.

She wouldn’t deny that Alanna was there for her the last few months after her labor. Alanna’s children were older - eleven and nine - so she had the experience of motherhood that Sarora couldn’t yet imagine. But after the Announcement was released, Alanna grew colder. Being around her sister wasn’t going to help Sarora find a way to cope with losing her son.

At the exact moment she didn’t need to be reminded of it, pain laced through her back again. She pushed forward. How ironic, she thought, that I tolerated it today, of all days.

Rain started. Sarora glanced up out of her anger and saw she was walking down Odessan Street. The Stolen Wheel was a couple blocks away, and she hoped she could get there fast enough not to be soaked.

The Stolen Wheel was a bar Sarora had never frequented before due to alarming rumors of fights and strange kidnappings. Today, however, was different. Today, she let go of the identity she had just started carrying a few months prior. The identity she had looked forward to wearing since she watched Alanna give birth the first time. She felt naked and torn up. Being kidnapped from a bar seemed like the least of her concerns.

With the rain came a chill. It shifted the air rapidly, and by the time Sarora got to the blue front entrance of the bar, her muscles had tensed up and she could feel the pain spreading from her back to the rest of her. She stopped as a burn sliced through her shoulder blades.

“Ouch! Dammit,” she muttered to herself. She took a deep breath and exaggerated an exhale out of her mouth. Sarora rolled her shoulders back to try and relieve the pain despite knowing it wouldn’t work. She walked into The Stolen Wheel.

Inside was drab, at best. The air was thick with the smell of weed. Random sports pictures hung on the dark brown walls, awkward spacing between them. There was a pool table in the back corner, though it looked like no one had actually played a game on it in years. More tables were hidden behind it. Someone had hung string lights haphazardly around the windows, a sad attempt at making the place feel more homey.

The counter was too small for more than three or four people to sit comfortably, yet seven men were surrounding it, talking loudly. Sarora had to squeeze herself into the very end to get the bartender’s attention.

“Just a beer,” she said.

The bartender was a short man with a head that needed a shave. He eyed her for a moment, probably recognizing her from the Announcement. Announcements and Days of the Unfit happened at least once a month, though, so as quickly as she was recognized, she would be forgotten. One tragedy in place for another.

He handed her the beer. Sarora pulled money out of her coat pocket and threw it on the counter, not caring how excessive the amount was. She decided that blending into the tables and walls behind the pool table would be best.

Sitting down felt like her body melting into a puddle. She could feel some of the tension ease up in her back, though she knew that as soon as she lifted the glass to her lips, it would return. She gave herself a moment of reverie. Then started on her drink.

Sarora never downed beer very fast, but she savored the taste. The noise of the bar gave her some distraction from the day. She didn’t fully pay attention to anything she heard, but it felt like pulling the curtain on a bad view so you could only see the vague replication of it in your mind. The loud men at the counter only got louder.

Out of the corner of her eye, Sarora saw someone approaching the table. She turned her head to find a woman smiling sadly at her. Not attempting to return the sentiment, Sarora looked back down at the table and took a long swig of her beer. She didn’t want uselessly sympathetic company. The woman defied her quiet wishes, though. She sat down at the table across from Sarora.

She seemed strange, like she didn’t quite belong in the world that currently surrounded her. No drink was in her hand. A hood was pulled loosely over her head. Her eyes were a beautiful green, yet warm. Her face portrayed an off-putting sense of contentment.

“Hi,” was all she said, still maintaining that sad smile.

Sarora didn’t like her. “Can I help you?” she asked, her tone not hinting at politeness.

“Sarora, aren’t you?”

Her eyebrows bunched together. It wasn’t every day Sarora found someone - or rather, someone found her - that knew her name without any previous contact.

The woman smiled a little bigger. She seemed to make note of Sarora’s confusion, which she apparently took as permission to talk more.

“You may call me Elaine,” she said, reaching out to pat Sarora’s hand. “Tell me, dear, what happened that they deemed you Unfit?” the woman asked.

Sarora had been taking a drink in response to being acknowledged without pretense and promptly started coughing it up. She ripped her hand back, and the fire in her shoulders and neck burst bigger. She suddenly felt much worse than she did when she sat down. She wanted to leave.

Elaine started and said, “Oh dear, are you okay? Please, relax, I’ll get you a glass of water.”

Relax. Why would someone she’d never met ask her outright why she was Unfit? The Unfit were acknowledged in the Announcements, again on the Days, and never spoken about again. Sarora was expecting after she left the forest she could begin forgetting what her life was like before it. She didn’t want a stranger reminding her of it again.

Getting up from the table, Sarora said, “No thank you, I was just leav-”

“Sarora.” Elaine’s hand was now on Sarora’s wrist, firmly. She didn’t make eye contact. Her tone had changed, the happiness evaporated from it. She didn’t sound threatening, but on edge. It raised the hair on Sarora’s neck, and she stopped.

Elaine spoke quieter. “You could find a way to bring your son back.”

Sarora froze. Again she thought of how hush-hush the duty of being an Unfit was. Something in the way this Elaine woman seemed to be so willing to talk about it was waking up her emotions. Not only was Elaine talking about it, but she was talking of a way to reverse it. Barely whispering, Sarora said, “Excuse me?”

Finally, Elaine looked up at her. “I can tell you more. You just need to sit down. This is not a conversation to be overheard.”

Sarora sat. Elaine piqued her interest, but made her nervous. “Then why are you trying to have it in a bar?” she asked.

“It would have been more strange to casually run into you on the street, wouldn’t it? Or, heavens, find you at your house. Ha! They do keep an eye on the Unfit, unfortunately. You are the only thing they feel so keen on controlling. Better to do it in a bar, where strangers mingle on a regular evening all the time.” Elaine gestured around them. “Don’t get me wrong, there’s risk no matter what I do. You know as well as I do that once you’re Unfit, you’re to never speak about it unless you are doing your duty,” she seethed with sarcasm. Sarora found herself suddenly absorbed in the way Elaine disregarded their society.

Elaine continued, “But you, dear, seemed too strong to ignore when we watched you on the videoscreen today. You stayed for the dragon and seemed barely scared! I just couldn’t resist coming to see you tonight,” Elaine said, a sparkle in her eyes. Her voice was in its happy tone again, if not a little quieter than when she greeted Sarora.

“What do you mean, when you watched me on the videoscreen today?” Sarora asked. She knew the recordings of the Day of the Unfit were only given to those who ordered the Unfit status, and the people who lived with you if you were unfortunate enough to be Unfit.

Elaine said plainly, as if it wasn’t a completely absurd idea, “Well, my dear, we have access to all the recordings for the Days of the Unfit.”

“Who exactly is ‘we?’” Sarora’s stomach twisted at the idea that someone else - multiple people - watched her in front of the dragon today. It felt like she had spent the last few minutes asking questions but understanding less.

Elaine took a long look at Sarora, as if to study her. She glanced around the bar, ensuring that the pool table separating them from the rest of the world stood firm. Then Elaine said, “We are the Unfit…underground, you might say. We’ve been working together to find a way to fight back.” She smirked. “At the very least, steal back what was stolen from us.”

Sarora wanted to laugh at her, the same way she laughed at Alanna. She was finding strength to partake in the conversation now. “I’m not sure you can steal back something that was most likely eaten by dragons.”

“Were they eaten, do you think?” Elaine asked matter of factly. “No one knows for sure. Our children may very well be alive.”

Silence stood between the two women at the table in the corner of The Stolen Wheel. What Elaine said made no sense, but it also wasn’t entirely wrong. For years, Sarora knew there was never proof of death among the children given up. But what else would you expect? They were given up to dragons, after all. Then she wondered if anyone had ever actually witnessed the dragons outside of the Days of the Unfit. Was the belief that the children were dead just a coping mechanism for what people like Sarora had to endure? A headache started in her brain as she tried to unravel this.

“I don’t understand,” was all she could muster.

Elaine asked again with importance, “What did they say deemed you Unfit, Sarora?”

Sarora felt a relief in her bones at the idea of telling someone what had happened to her. This mysterious woman, despite the oddities about her, made Sarora want to get the grief out of her heart and onto the table. Besides, did she really care if someone found out that she was talking about this? Her greatest joy in life was already gone.

Finally, she relented. “Chronic pain. As long as I can remember I’ve had it, but during my pregnancy it got worse. I knew I was going to have to hide it, and I thought after I gave birth it would ease.” She swallowed hard. The only one who knew why she was Unfit was Alanna, and that was only because they lived under the same roof their entire lives. Alanna saw the worst parts of Sarora’s episodes, even if she pretended she didn’t. “I was wrong. Every day since has been episode after episode. I couldn’t hide it, no matter how badly I tried.” Her voice started to crack, and she swallowed hard. She would tell this story to Elaine, but she wouldn’t break. “They found out about it. Then they found out there was no cure. That’s all it took. I was Unfit to be a mother,” she said with as much contempt as she could muster. “The Announcement was released the next day,” she added quietly.

For a couple minutes, neither of them said anything. Sarora took another long swig of her beer, and watched the men at the bar as they continued on with their loud conversation, not caring what depravities happened that day. She had been ignoring the pain in her body to talk, but she now let her mind wander back into it. This episode was shaping up to be a bad one.

Elaine’s face returned to the sympathetic smile and said, “It’s cruel, isn’t it, that we don’t even refer to them with a name? It’s just ‘they.’ All because they only want perfect mothers. God forbid we have a little bit of humanity in the concept.”

Sarora said nothing.

Elaine spoke again. “Look, Sarora, there are so many others like you. Unfit that are still angry, and still finding a way to reverse the damage. We’ve all experienced the heartbreak and rage you have pounding in your veins right now. I believe we have a fighting chance to take back what is ours. We have to stick together, though. We have yet to fully understand the dragons, and they are ultimately a bigger threat than the men are. It may be years before you see your son again. Hell, my daughter will be fully grown! But if you join us, there’s a chance.”

Sarora looked at Elaine, her mind burning with curiosity, doubt, and thousands of more questions. Yes, she was heartbroken and rageful, but she was also exhausted and wanted nothing more than to lay down. Did Elaine experience that the same way Sarora did?

Maybe I am Unfit, after all, she thought, if sleep is a greater priority than rescuing my son.

Elaine stood and glanced down at her, knowing the conversation was done. “Follow the path in the woods another half-mile past the nook where you were today, I’ll leave someone out to find you and show you where we are,” she said. Before she walked out of The Stolen Wheel, she looked Sarora directly in the eye. “I do hope to see you there.”

****

That night, Sarora lay awake. When she’d gotten home from the bar, she’d ignored her sister, bid her niece and nephew goodnight, and went straight to her room.

Sleep was avoiding her. She wasn’t sure if it was because her brain was spinning with questions and unknowns about this mysterious group of the Unfit, or if it was because her body was screaming at her. She wanted to cry.

This wasn’t the first time the pain kept Sarora awake, and it surely wouldn’t be the last. But this felt different. Her son was gone, her bed empty. She was confused and didn’t know what to make of Elaine. She didn’t exactly give Sarora a lot of information about what her and her friends were doing. The two women clearly shared a similar backstory, but what else did she actually know? Rumors of possibly being able to rescue her son? There was no guarantee. And even if she did rescue him, she would still be fighting the pain. Every day for the rest of her life there would be pain. Would motherhood ever not be under the scrutiny of the men?

The men. Sarora felt afraid.

Her body was burning. She flipped onto her back to try and get more comfortable. Five minutes later, there was no difference. This is my life, she thought. Days and nights of pain randomly, brutally slicing through her shriveled sense of happiness. She pictured the dragon’s emotional eyes in her mind.

Sarora made a decision, and got out of bed.

***

The walk into the woods was near blinding. Every step she took shot stabs of pain through her legs, and her shoulders were throbbing. The headache that developed when she was at the bar now resided solely in her left temple, threatening to blow out her eye. Still, she walked.

Sarora found the nook where she left her young babe that day. Follow the path in the woods another half-mile past the nook where you were today, I’ll leave someone out to find you and show you where we are, Elaine’s voice echoed in her head. She saw those pretty blue flowers.

Finally, like a volcano exploding, she allowed herself to cry. She no longer cared if the videoscreens were still on, recording her rage and grief and sadness. She collapsed on those beautiful little flowers. Her body hurt so badly, and she missed her son. There was nothing left of her that felt whole.

No one knew what the dragons did when children weren’t being given up. Sarora didn’t know if the one that took her son away would come back now, but she remembered the look they seemed to share. She wondered if the dragon was a mother herself.

As her crying turned into racking, screaming sobs, the rest of the woods grew quiet again. The shadows of wings persisted, even at night.

The dragon landed in front of Sarora. The quake in the ground beneath her knees was the only thing that made her open her eyes. She gasped at the sight of the dragon, but Sarora wasn’t surprised she was there.

God, she was so tired.

She saw the intense eyes of the dragon look at her with subtle hues of understanding. Sarora took a deep breath, despite the flames cascading down the muscles in her back, and wasn’t sure how the dragon knew, but was grateful that she did.

The scales Sarora watched with wonder earlier that day lifted again, and the orange and red spread into the back of the dragon’s throat as she opened her mouth.

Sarora didn’t need to go on a rescue mission for the sake of the same pain at the end. Perhaps if Elaine found what she was looking for, the children wouldn’t need their mothers anyway. Still, the dragon watched her.

“Please,” Sarora said through her tears.

She clenched her face shut for a moment, remembering her son the first time she saw him. Opening her eyes, she saw his face blended into the red in front of her.

Maybe it won’t feel much different than I already do.

When the dragon flew away, only blue flowers remained.