Dancing with the Czars

POLITICO NEWS FEED: February 26, 2024

VLADIMIR PUTIN LOSES A SQUEAKER ON DANCING WITH THE STARS

Tuesday's Dancing with the Stars was the most highly-rated broadcast in dance history. Nielsen rated the ABC show's points/share highly, even suffering from Russian TVs typically being "black & white" cathode ray types.

Guest dancer, Russian President-for-Life Vladimir Putin, paired with Congresswoman-for-Life-As-We-Know-It-in-Georgia Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA 14th District), didn't disappoint. Not that their rivals evoked any less notoriety...

1. Donald Trump/Stormy Daniels,

2. Funnyman Kim Jun Un and legitimate daughter, "Precious" Ju Ae,

and the

3. Cause Célèbre of the year, Woody Allen with Mia Farrow.

The show began with controversy, when both Allen and Farrow were stricken with Polonium-210 toxicity. Supporters of the duo were quick to raise objections, given Putin's recent interest in biochemistry. (He received an honorary PhD from Leningrad University, along with a collapsing ovation.)

But where were Donald and Stormy when called to perform?

They had been rehearsing "privately" for weeks in the Marjorie Taylor "Green Room," but to no-show just presented poor showmanship. Said Donald, "The show must go on, but I say where!"

Kim and Ju's magnficent "Gangnam Style" wasn't just dance, but a celebration, in true TerpsiKorean inspiration, of a horse-riding, galloping metaphor for the multiple independently targetable reentry vehicles (MIRVs) Kim has been firing over Japan, complete with a pyrotechnics climax (which, we understand, coincided with Stormy's climax backstage).

Finally, Vladimir kicked like Steppes wildmen, doing his Prisyadka, the traditional Russian dance, which at one point connected with Greene and sent her ass to the floor, after which Vlad pumped a fist and shouted, "DA!"

When Vlad and Marjorie placed second (to Donald and Stormy--go figure!), the UN Security Council immediately passed a condemnation resolution:

"It's true he might've poisoned rivals (allegedly), and he may have brought down a plane or two (allegedly), and may have invaded sovereign nations (allegedly), and committed countless "alleged" murders with the KGB, but does politics have to enter the arts? Is nothing sacred?"

Unfortunately, the post-victory interviews were not televised due to a technical glitch involving strafing of the judges' desk before "going to commercial," a network trick and inside joke Russian networks have mastered.