D.I.M.P.I.E

PREFACE

So, you’ve found yourself in front of a dimensionally interlocked multi-parable idiosyncratic engine and the cheeky thing’s started ticking and counting down ominously in a language you’re pretty sure isn't from Earth.

Don’t stress, we’ve all been there.

This here’s a handy guide on disarming the thing before everything in the nearest billion square kilometres goes all… well, you know how it goes. And if you don't, probably better to keep it that way.

Now sure, DIMPIEs do look a little bit complicated and intimidating to the layperson, but honestly they’re not too difficult. Just a bit misunderstood, is all. Bit like those big scary-looking dogs that are all bark and no bite. Except of course a DIMPIE isn’t a dog so much as a ultra high tech pseudo-quantum solar accelerator of unquantifiable proportions. Kinda the same thing though.

Like I said before, don't stress. Just follow this quick and easy 125-step guide, we’ll have it disarmed in a jiffy.

Step One:

First thing you’ll want to do is find the primary ignition chamber. Open the hatch by carefully jimmying the pneumatic seal open with a knife. Keep in mind once the pressure is released, that knife’s probably going to go flying back at you faster than your brain can process, so watch out for that.

Now that the primary ignition chamber is open, what you’ll want to do is just crawl inside. That might involve a bit of twisting and contorting, but stay calm and remember that these crawlspaces are designed for humans to be able to wiggle around in there. Or ferrets. Actually it might be ferrets I’m thinking of. Oh well, doesn't matter. In ya go.

Step Two:

Now you’re inside the ignition chamber, you need to find the core electrical assembly. It’s this big cord looking thing that’s actually forty-three smaller cords all intertwined.

Note: If you’re seeing forty-five cords instead of forty-three, that means you’re dealing with the JXWXPL MK.50-B Deluxe DIMPIE, and I can’t help you with that. Don’t know a single thing about those ones, so you’re on your own there. Best of luck.

If you are seeing forty-three cords though, then we’re right on track. All you have to do is cut the olive-coloured cord and splice it into the mint-coloured cord, then take the sage-coloured cord and splice it into the moss-coloured cord. Easy. I do want to stress though, it’s super important that you only touch those particular cords. If you touch any other cord… Well, the good news is that it’ll be over quickly.

If you’ve done that right you’ll have heard a loud thunk, and that means you can now access the chrono-convexic hypertube. You’re looking for a long, curved pipe only just wide enough to fit your shoulders through. Hopefully the rest of you too, otherwise you might as well stop reading now.

Step Three:

Once you're in there, you can breathe a sigh of relief because time works differently in the chrono-convexic hypertube. Runs much slower than it normally does in the real world. All that ominous counting down isn’t so scary now, huh?

Unless of course it's a weekday. If it's a weekday, then time goes twice as fast. But it's probably a weekend, so you’re fine. Don’t think about the countdown.

As you’re crawling down the length of the chrono-convexic hypertube, you’ll have plenty of time to clear your head and get ready for the remaining 121 steps involved in disarming this baby. If I were you, I’d try not to think about the potential for failure, especially since ‘failure’ in this instance is the complete and absolute obliteration of everyone and everything you’ve ever known or cared about. Thinking about that will just stress you out, and you don’t wanna be stressed out, right?

You really don’t, because so far this should’ve been a cakewalk. And I’ve got good news! Step Four is coming up, and it’s the easiest one yet.

Step Four:

Once you’ve crawled out the end of the chrono-convexic hypertube, you’ll find yourself smack-bang in the middle of the Master Matrix. If you’re surrounded on all sides by TV screens flashing a bunch of strobe light effects, that’s the place to be.

Now, this part doesn’t actually involve much input from you at all. All you gotta do is talk to the DIMPIE. Simple. There’s an AI in there somewhere, you just gotta convince it not to blow itself up and destroy the solar system. To make things even easier, we programmed the AI to impersonate someone close to you in life! Maybe it’s a toxic ex-partner from a doomed relationship, or a neglectful parent who resented you for being born.

Anyway, convince ‘em you’re worth saving (maybe even worth loving, if you still believe that), and Step Four is as good as done.

Step Five:

If you’ve convinced the AI to bow to Asimov’s Laws, then congratulations! We really didn’t need to be worried about the Great Robot Uprising, did we?

Well, time for step five.

Step five, step five…

Sorry, can’t find my notes. I’m sure I wrote down what step five was somewhere. You don’t mind waiting around for a sec, do you?

I’m sure you’ve got all the time in the-