Creatorzoned

The river ran backwards on the day the Queen vanished.

The lakes sank into the earth, and the springs in the mountains spat out nothing but dust.

Now the queen didn’t really vanish, she was just hiding from a suitor. A suitor she did not want.

And that suitor was God.

You might think, having God as a doting hopeful would be a blessing, and for some folks it would.

But not your mother. No, for one reason or the other, the heart wants what it wants and you can’t tell it a damn thing.

You may certainly try. You may tell your heart: stop loving this good for nothing. But sometimes you’ll find you only love them more. You may tell your heart: love this one, he or she is good and kind, but your heart will simply blow raspberries in your slack, idiot face and chase after the one who doesn’t want you back.

Well, I guess that was God’s heart.

He wanted your mother, the queen.

Though in those days she wasn’t a queen. She was just a maiden. Some might say, a peasant. And if she had wanted God in return, she’d have been much more powerful and high than a queen, that’s for sure.

He tried to be suitor, but as a divine being, it seems He was a little out of touch with the mortal coil.

He rearranged the stars to spell her name in the sky… she hid her face out of shame and embarrassment for being so called out.

He left divine gifts at her door, ethereal treasures, giant rose bushes, ambrosia trees. An eternal rainbow.

But she had nowhere to put these splendid gifts, and hadn’t really wanted them to begin with.

They were too gaudy.

So she tried to give them back, but what can a mortal do to move a permanent rainbow off her stoop?

These annoyances began to pile up.

Yet, he still followed her around, a ray of sunshine that hawked her every step and chased her heels.

Until finally she spun around and begged Him to leave her alone!

Yes, she rejected God, in the middle of the town square.

I’m sure He was very embarrassed. She said:

“I love you. But more like a Divine Being, than a partner.”

And

“I’m just not interested in a relationship with you.”

And

“I just don’t see you that way.”

And

“I really don’t want to jeopardize our worshiper-worshiped relationship. But you’ll always be my creator.”

But He was down bad.

He couldn’t accept the rejection, couldn’t stop pestering her.

Finally she said, “God! If you must know, there’s someone else.”

The skies shook with his rage, “WHO!!!???”

“If you must know, he’s a human.”

God rolled His Holy Eyes, “can this human man take you into the sky and show you the mysteries of the cosmos??? Well!? Can he?”

She shook her head, “no, but I don’t want him to. I like him just the way he is.”

And God sighed, clearly exasperated. “But I’m better than he is in every way!”

She shook her head. “He’s better than you at one thing— being human.”

God’s voice trembled. “That’s not fair.”

But your mother said, “neither is it fair for you to expect me to fall in romantic love with an incorporeal diety. Come on now!”

God’s rage started to boil.

He said, “If I can’t have your love neither can he! When I find out who he is, I’ll smite his corporeal body! When he’s nothing but a soul, we’ll see who you like better!”

“No.”

“Tell me who he is!!!”

“No, you’re being a bully.”

“If you don’t tell me who your lowly human suitor is, I will just follow you around until he makes himself known, then I’ll smite him — easily!”

So then the queen went into hiding.

Of course there’s no hiding from God, he followed her to her cloister— but not without throwing a really big, scary, Divine Tantrum. All the waters flowed the wrong direction, the trees fell down. Lightning tore the sky apart.

But your mom was stubborn in her refusal.

I looked for her, of course.

But I had no idea where she’d gone.

I searched all through the city, high and low. But God never noticed that because he was busy nagging her.

For days, he hounded her, saying, “come on, just tell Me! Who is he?”

She refused.

He told her: “Remember, you’re a mortal! You’ve only got about 70 years left, before your body dies. You really don’t have much time. But you’ll willingly waste it to protect him?!?”

She nodded.

And God crossed his non-corporeal arms and harumphed and said, “fine. We’ll just see who can wait longer! Don’t forget I’ve got eternity on my side!”

Day after day.

Week after week.

Month after month.

They both waited for the other to crack.

But God could tell, he could see it in her tears. She was lonely.

“Why don’t you just agree to marry me? You don’t have to be lonely. I want you to be happy!”

She shook her head. “I really am sorry, you’re a nice God and all, but I’m just not interested, you’re not my type. I’m not saying this to hurt you, but you can’t force love. I know if you and I were to marry, I’d feel more lonely than I ever could alone.”

That gave God a lot think about.

The next morning he relented. He said “look, you know how attracted I am to you. I love you.”

She nodded. “I love you too, but not romantically.”

He sighed. “I know, let Me finish. I wish you could love me the same way I love you. But more than that, I really just want you to be happy. Even if it’s not with Me. You’re free to choose your human suitor. I will not smite him. I won’t even afflict him with any chronic illness. I’m not really that petty. I just… I just want you to be happy.”

Well, your mother came out of hiding, free from the persecution of God’s nagging attempts to get her to accept a date.

If you want to hear how she became a queen, well that’s a story for another night. Go to bed!