Crazy Cab Ride

First, I would like to say that none of this is totally my fault. I strongly believe in karma, and this man got everything that he deserved. With that being said I also believe that karma is going to knock me the hell out, because I couldn’t let it go.

Second, I feel what I did was a citizens duty…per se’. I helped a clueless woman and I guarantee that man will think twice before he pulls another stunt like that one.

Also, I would like to comment how unfair it is to make anyone sit in this room. It’s so small, dark, and depressing; whoever’s in it would tell you anything you want to hear to get out, whether they did it or not.

Anyway, it all started a couple of days ago, when I was walking out of Starbucks. I am unable to function in the morning without my coffee, and I thank God I had any caffeine in my system at all when I saw what I did. My “boyfriend”, I guess if you can even call him that, was standing at a bus stop, across the street from me. Strange I thought to myself, why is he standing at a bus stop?

So being the good girlfriend I am, I decided to walk across the street and see if everything was all right. Before the crosswalk light allowed me to cross, I saw another girl run into his arms and give him a big kiss. Hmmm….I know right? If I hadn’t had caffeine in me I would have ran up to them both and this story wouldn’t be a story at all. Instead I would be starring in a show called America’s Most Wanted.

However, that is not the way it panned out.

I quickly did an about face and made sure that neither of them saw me. Of course with my ninja skills that was all too easy. That’s right…I’m here because I want to be, not because you’re making me.

Anyway, I went on with my day as normal. Went to work, had dinner with my friend, and went home to make a phone call. I was going to call Chris and tell him what I saw and that it was over. However, he was just full of surprises that day. When I got home there were rose petals everywhere and my first thought was, “He’s cleaning that up.”

The petals led to my bedroom and my next thoughts was, “God, I didn’t commit a murder today. I haven’t even tried to plot one. For once in my life I was going to do the responsible thing and act like an adult. I was just going to call and end it. If you really truly love the way I handled myself, when I open my bedroom door, I will not be looking at Chris. I will be looking at David Boreanaz stretched out on my bed, with a rose in-between his teeth, and an eager look in his eye.”

Apparently, God thought I could have handled myself better because when I opened my door it was Chris. However, I did get the rose in the mouth and the eager look. If only I could have swapped the rose and look for the other half of the wish.

Either way I was immediately disgusted. “What are you doing here,” I shouted.

It must have taken him off guard because the rose fell from his mouth and he jumped up off the bed. “I thought I would surprise you” he managed to spit out.

“All you did was make a mess in my apartment!” I gave him the meanest stare possible.

He dropped his head and neither of us said anything for a while. Then he looked at me with a smirk, “Did someone not get their coffee this morning?”

I am very sure fire flashed in my eyes because he flinched. Thinking of coffee made me think of him and that other girl. She wasn’t even pretty. Her teeth were crooked, her hair was stringy, and I don’t like to call people fat but she was plump.

Okay…that’s a lie. She was gorgeous with a petite figure, wavy blond hair, and perfectly straight white teeth. She could possibly be a model for Playboy. But that’s beside the point.

This is when the wheels in my head began to turn, a plan to get even. So I let him know that I had in fact not had my coffee and that he should just go home. He did but before he left he had the nerve to try and kiss me. Before his lips made it to mine, I managed to fake a sneeze and spit all over him. Even after that he still said that he would call me later. I smiled and shut the door.

I ran over the phone to call my friend, the one I had dinner with that day. No, I’m not going to give you his name because none of this is truly his fault. Everything he did to help, I made him do. So we’ll just call him Bob.

I had assured Bob I wouldn’t do anything stupid or drastic with the situation. However, since God thought I didn’t do my best this time, I felt that I should just go ahead with the old way of doing things and try to do better next time.

So I told Bob of my plan and what I needed him to do. My friend is a cab driver, and I feel safe telling you that information because we live in New York City. Do you know how many cabs are in New York? Too many for you to track down my friend.

Anyway, I followed Chris around nonchalantly the next day. Not technically stalking if you’re the “girlfriend” in my opinion. He made several stops during the day, but it was one in particular that stood out. Chris stopped by Zales and made a purchase. When he left I ran inside to ask the person behind the register what he bought.

If you want to talk about a crime, how about how easily that clerk gave up information about a customer. I skipped in and simply stated, “Well, he is extremely happy.” I tried to laugh, as though I was just another happy person coming to look at expensive jewelry, but it sounded more nervous. Luckily, it was all it took to get her to talk. “Oh, he is extremely happy. He’s has this big romantic evening planed for tomorrow night, so he can propose to his girlfriend.” She stared off into the distance, sighed, and battered her eyes. She was easily classified as a hopeless romantic.

But when I yelled, “He is,” in a very alarmed tone, I brought her back to real life.

“Can I help you,” she asked curiously.

“Nope you’ve helped enough.”

“Do you know that man?” I could tell she was trying to put pieces together.

“I’m one of his girlfriends,” I told her before I left the store. When the door was almost shut, I heard her gasp, letting me know she had finished putting the pieces together.

When I got home that night I called and told Bob the new information and that we were going to put the plan in action the next day. That’s when I started to hear the beeping on the phone from call waiting. I told Bob I had to go and swapped callers. It was Chris and he wanted to take me out for dinner the next day. That’s when I realized he was going to propose to me; which in turn, made me have to rethink everything.

However, the job I gave Bob earlier was to figure out where the other girl lived and he did. So I went to her house and had a long chat. Turns out she is an awesome person, her name is Stacy. You know her; she’s in another room talking to some of your friends.

The next day came around and at eight o’clock I went to the restaurant. I didn’t go in but I waited outside. Bobs job was to wait outside Chris’s apartment until he needed a cab. His other job was to act like he didn’t speak English. Once Chris got in to the cab, Stacy’s job was to climb in and push him to the left side. Bob’s back left door on the cab doesn’t open.

To be totally honest I don’t really know what happened next. Stacy said she had a plan for the next part and I didn’t ask questions. However, when they reached the restaurant he was crawling out the window on the cab. The flowers he had had were only stems, he had a red lip stick stain on his collar, his neat perfect hair was nowhere near perfect anymore, his pant leg was ripped (my mind can’t even imagine how that happened), and he had a giant knot on his forehead. I know how the knot got there because Bob told me he planned to stomp on the brakes a lot.

Once Chris had escaped through the window, it was my turn. Stacy had done an excellent job with her part, and I don’t handle losing well, so of course I had to out-do her.

“Who is she,” I yelled at him.

“A crazy woman who jumped in my cab,” he exclaimed, panting and pointing at Stacy.

“And that explains the lip stick stain on your collar and face!” I stomped my foot and walked over to him. I can cry on cue and I took full advantage of it. “I thought you loved me,” I sobbed.

“I do, I do. This is just a misunderstanding,” he reassured me.

“No it’s not. You used me.” By this time a crowd was starting to form around us. He tried to put his arms around me to comfort me. “Get away you jerk!” I, very gently I might add, pushed him away. Unfortunately, for him, I hadn’t seen the fire hydrant behind him. When I pushed him, he flipped over it into the road. I swear at that point no one saw the car coming. Luckily it seemed to be going pretty slow, since Chris only sustained a few mild fractures. Apparently, some restaurant owners frown upon pushing people into the street directly in front of their establishment, and will call the police, which explains your presence at the scene, my pending assault charges, and the need for this written statement.

Statement from: Becky Johnson

Officer: John Bradford, NYPD