Counting the Stars

Anthony and Benjamin hadn’t known each other long - just a few months, in fact. The war against the Nazis created new opportunities for everyone in America. Both were honored to serve their country, and both had formed a close friendship that turned to love through the trials in the trenches they faced daily. When the war was won by the Allied forces, both decided to keep in touch through letters, though they lived hundreds of miles away.

Dear Anthony,

I haven’t been back in New Orleans for more than two weeks, and already my folks are getting on me to meet a girl. After everything we’ve been through, women are the last thing on my mind. I can’t say I blame them though, I know they want to see some sort of normalcy return to life. If only it were that easy, that simple to be normal. My hope is to one day look at the stars once again with you.

Benji

Anthony smiled sadly as he read the second letter he had received from Benjamin thus far. “Poor, poor Benji,” with a sigh Anthony leaned forward, resting his head in one hand, reading over the letter once more. “I understand why, but hiding who you are only tears yourself apart. How long do you really think you can keep this image up?” The letter landed on the table as a leaf falls from trees in the autumn.

Dear Benji,

You could always move up here, New York is always in need of capable men. You could be yourself up here, with me.

The paper, now crumpled, dropped to the desk with a soft thump.

Dear Benji,

Keep your chin up and move forward at your own pace. We made it through worse than the pressures of a few social obligations. I’m sure one day you’ll have a wonderful family. Normalcy for those of us is a bit harder, but not impossible.

The two men continued to love each other from afar for a time, as the letters became fewer and fewer, until they stopped being exchanged at all. Anthony worked to earn a prestigious degree in biological and anatomical sciences, with Benjamin unknowingly earning one for astronomy. Both had the opportunity to work together to take mankind to the moon.

“Anthony! How wonderful to see you, it’s been so long!” Benjamin’s black hair was still cut short, in his same preferred haircut since he was a boy. The relatively short, sticky man held enough enthusiasm for ten people.

Anthony’s eyes crinkled, and his face was split with an enchanted smile, “Benji, you haven’t changed a bit, you could still power all of downtown with your personality.” Anthony glanced down at his watch, then back to Benjamin's eager gaze. “I’m sorry I stopped writing, everything just got so hectic, life-”

“There's no need to explain, Anthony, the timing was all too clear. I just thought our time together fighting the good fight would have caused our bond to be strong enough.”

“Well, a wedding invitation, was a bit shocking. You hadn’t mentioned seeing any one and it caught me off guard.” Anthony’s voice hardened as he clenched his jaw.

“Anthony, you said you loved me right before we were shipped home, what was a man- no, a boy, supposed to do? I panicked, and the situation just kept complicating itself. It wasn’t even my idea, I had obligations to look like a normal family man, and you knew that! Listen, it doesn’t matter now. I don’t want this opportunity to be filled with the bitterness of the past, so could we please try to be neutral with each other?” Benjamin's pleading eyes always softened Anthony like ice cream in the sun on a summer day.

“Alright, alright.” Anthony’s voice was soft. “It is nice to see you again Benji, I must be on my way. We can talk more later.”

Later that weekend, at a local diner, Anthony and Benjamin sat quietly, in air so heavy, so thick that wet wool would have been lighter.

Benjamin breaks the silence first, after the appetizers are delivered and a few shots of liquid courage, “I never actually got married, you know? You stopped writing to me, and I panicked. I came out, to my parents, to her, to everyone.”

“How in the- why in the- what in the world could have possessed you to believe that was a good idea Benji? You could’ve been killed, gone through conversion therapy, your life could have been destroyed!”

“It almost was.”

Anthony grimaced, Benjamin never looked so grim and downtrodden, that was one of the wonderful things about him. No matter how grim Anthony’s reality felt, Benjamin was a golden light of hope. Both took another two shots and ordered more.

Benjamin gazed deep into his drink, as if he was seeing through it and into another world. “My folks, they kicked me out, disowned me. No one in town would help me, acting as if I had some sort of illness. My childhood friends acted as if they had never met me before in my life. I had to leave, I moved north, to Virginia. I never married.” Finally, the spell capturing Benjamins attention broke, and he lifted his eyes to look into Anthony’s kind, icy blue eyes that never seemed cold.

Anthony leaned forward and put his hand over Benjamins, “Benji-”

“Two cheeseburgers, two fries, and two milkshakes,” the waitress cheerfully sang as she put plates of hot, freshly cooked food in front of the two now blushing men. Anthony quickly retracted his hand before she could notice the intimate gesture.

The men ate in relative silence, briefly discussing small points of the mission with each other, before returning to their food. The air had thinned around them, with a new tension rolling its way in, causing both men to feel a way they hadn't in a long time.

“You wanna come check out this interesting spot I and a couple other astronomers in the area found? It’s a great spot to just sit and stare at the stars for a while. It’s nice out, and no one ever goes there. Up for a little good natured adventure?” The gleam in Benjamin's eyes gave way to his otherwise poorly concealed excitement.

“Alright, I guess. A more private area might be best, for more open conversation at least.” Anthony gestured discreetly to the waitress with a nod of the head and a smirk.

“Don’t be so rude,” Benjamin laughed.

The two men paid their respective bills and headed out. Benjamin insisted they wouldn’t need cars, as the area was a short hike uphill, just a little bit way behind the diner. The air was pleasant, with the faint scent of grease and bacon in the wind, the stars twinkled above green trees and sleeping wildflowers. Both men felt the warmth of alcohol in their bellies and the walk seemed to be on the breeze itself. A small field lay atop the hill, surrounded by trees, sheltered from the lights of the town and the road.

“Benjamin-”

“No Anthony, let me speak,” Benjamin had an unusual tone in his voice, and a stranger, more wild look in his eye. “I love you. I still love you. You are the reason I believed I could succeed despite - no- because of who I am. You showed me the sort of love I needed was natural, normal, that it could be found. You accepted me, and I was too scared to receive the love that I so desperately desired.”

“Benji, be practical now. It has been years. We haven’t spoken in so long, we are entirely different people now than we were when we met, or even from when we last saw each other before winning the war. You can’t possibly expect things to just return back to how they were, as if I didn’t wait for you for so long, wait for you to gain some sort of courage, some sense of reasonability.How is it that you’ve been so adverse to love, yet out of the two of us, it is you who is the hopeless romantic?!” Anthony sat with his elbows on his knees, staring down at the grass. “I can’t deny it Benji, I still love you, I’ve wanted to kiss you since the moment you shouted my name this morning. But this isn’t a game, and I am not something to be forgotten, to be set aside for something more convenient, for once, I want to be the obligation.”

The two men made eye contact, impossibly aware that they had somehow moved within inches of each other, Benjamin leaning over Anthony just slightly, their faces so close together their lips slightly brushed each time one spoke.

“Benji, please, you have to be serious about this, about wanting to accept this part of yourself. I don’t want to be hidden away.” Anthony whispered, breathless.

Benjamin laid on his back and sighed. “I know, I know. It’s what you deserve, it’s what I want for you, for both of us. Anthony, I waited too. I waited for you to forgive me, I waited, I tried to find you. Once I did, I couldn’t bring myself to approach you. I was terrified at being rejected by the only man I’ve ever loved. I just left and went back home. But I always dreamed of you, I always thought of you as I gazed at and counted the stars-”

“You know it’s pointless to count the stars, Benji.” Anthony rolled his eyes, laid on his side, facing Benjamin, knowing that he could never keep his heart closed off from this wonderful mess of a man any longer.

“It’s also pointless to count freckles, but I know you have thirteen on your left hand.”