Coming Home

I knew I’d had a big night, but I didn’t think I’d drank that much. I could feel my pulse pounding through my skull as I opened my eyes. This wasn’t the first time I couldn’t remember how I got where I was, but it was the first time I’d woken up, hunched over, beside a stranger on a train.

The stranger handed me a bottle of water, “you look like you might need this more than me.” He said with a cheeky grin. I nodded and skulled it without hesitation. It was cold and eased the tickle in my throat.

“Thank you. I’m John.” I said, reaching out to shake his hand.

“I’m Jason, nice to meet you.” He replied, whilst griping my hand in his. I could feel his strength in his grip, the roughness of the calluses on his hands. I could tell by his handshake, he’d had a tough life; the kind where you have to be tough or you don’t survive.

“Where are you headed?” He asked.

“Wherever this train stops next, I guess.” I laughed the words through my teeth as I tried to mask the truth that I had no idea where I was going, or how I ended up here.

“It must be nice to have nowhere to be. I wish I could jump on a train and go wherever it takes me.” He said, with a sadness in his voice.

I tried to derail his words, to let him know waking up in unknown places, destination unknown wasn’t as fun as it sounded. “It would be nicer to have somewhere to go or someone to go home to.”

He grinned, but in an understanding, yet judgmental way “You’d probably take that back if you had to go where I’m going. Every day I take this same train, to the same job that I hate. Twelve hours I stand in the sun, no lunch, no thank you, nothing, for a paycheck that barely covers the bills. Then when the day is done, I get this train to the same stop that takes me home.

Each night, when I get to my front door, I stop and listen while I breathe away the day. I hear my children laughing, playing and asking how much longer till I get home. I open the door, never without a smile, because on the other side of that door my wife is waiting, with her smile, genuinely happy I’m home. I promised her I would come home to her, every day for the rest of my life. You see, as much as I long for the day, where I can go wherever I want to go, without any remorse of what I was leaving behind, I know if I missed my stop, my wife would not understand why I didn’t come home. She would be the one picking up the pieces, making excuses for me, trying to comfort our kids and doing it all alone”

I looked at him closely, now I could see him clearer than I did before. He worked hard because he had to, his family depended on him. Something I held in my fingertips for a brief time in my life. His words cut me deeper than I could express, because not only do I know what it’s like to work a job that only just gets you by, but I also know what it’s like to be the one left picking up the pieces. Like picking up shattered glass, with your bare hands, knowing you’re bleeding. But if you stop someone else will get cut.

I looked away, so he didn’t notice the tears filling in my eyes. Out the window, beyond the trees, I could see houses in the distance. Maybe the next stop wasn’t too far away. What if I was getting off at the next stop to go home? I wondered how my life would be now, if things were different. Would I be like Jason, and stopping at my front door each night to adjust my expression, before going inside? Or, would I just go in, and be happy, without having to pretend? It was hard to imagine, because it had been so long since I actually was… happy.

Jason tapped me on the back and said “are you ok?”

I turned to him and said “no,” with a lump in my throat. I held back the tears and said “I’m not like you, I won’t pretend. I had a family once. But I don’t anymore. I can go wherever I want to go because there is nothing I am leaving behind. My family left me the day they died.” Tears streamed down my face and the emotions took control. Even after this many years without them, it still feels so raw.

I expected him to do just as the rest of the people who know my story have done; say they’re sorry for my loss, and then go about their day, just as they had planned. But instead he wrapped his arms around me, holding on with sincerity and I didn’t know what to do. I’d never been hugged like this, especially by a man I’d just met after waking up deliriously on a train. I felt my body soften, my posture beginning to relax. Two men on different paths of life, colliding. Understanding their destinations were different, but finding common ground in the journey they were on.

As he let me go, he said “I know it wasn’t easy for you to tell me that, but I am so thankful you did. You’ve had a hard run, as have I. But you’re still running, atleast I have somewhere to stop. Thank you for reminding me to be grateful. I have everything a man could want, waiting for me to come home. Tonight I won’t need to stop and listen, with this smile you gave me, I’ll walk straight in.”

I felt humble and seen for the first time, in a long time by someone who took a second to listen, actually listen and not just hear. Through my tears, I smiled and he smiled back. Then the train filled with smoke and a whistle began to blow. Fear came across Jason’s face, as he yelled “this is my stop, but somethings wrong. The train is going too fast!”

I slid across the chair, and looked out the window. The houses I’d seen in the distance weren’t too far, now but something caught my eye. There were red and blue lights coming towards us; emergency vehicles. Where they waiting for us? How long did they know this train wasn’t slowing down? I knew we had to do something and quick. I had to help Jason get home.

“We need to get to the front and find out what’s going on.” I yelled overtop of everyone else who was yelling. Everyone was scared. The ambiance in the carriage quickly changed. Jason and I got to our feet but struggled to balance. We could feel the train getting more unstable with every step towards the cabin. There were hand rails along the roof we used to guide us through the chaos. I tried to look straight ahead, but I couldn’t help but notice the distress surrounding me. The elderly were trying to find the strength to hold on, mums holding their babies for dear life, trying to comfort them whilst silently panicking themselves. There were teenagers, in disbelief, headphones blocking out the noise. They have their whole lives ahead of them, but no fight to survive. Where were the fighters? The dads, the husbands, the men. You are the protectors. Now, is the time to do just that?

Quickly, we had managed to get to the train cabin, where the crew control the engine. I opened the door and stepped inside the cab. Jason followed close behind. In disbelief, we looked at each other. “Gutless cowards!” I mumbled as we both come to realize, the crew had already gotten off.

Bzzzzzzttt. We heard the radio, then a voice said “This is deputy Howard to train 134, do you copy?”. I lept at the radio controller, replying “Train 134, copy. This is John. Tell me how to stop this train.”

Deputy Howard – “John, the train is going full speed and will need about 800ft to stop. There has been an accident up ahead which has malfunctioned the rail tripper. You need to manually stop the train by pulling the two red levers. Both levers need to be pulled equally.”

John – “how far ahead it the accident?”

Deputy Howard – “600ft”

I got into the driver’s seat, knowing what I had to do. I picked up the train telecom when Jason grabbed my arm. “John, if you pull those levers, you will die on this train.” He said.

“If I don’t, we will all die on this train. Get ready to go home.” I said, whilst reaching out with my right hand. He put his right hand in mine. In that moment, we both accepted what had to be done. We shook hands, both smiling, knowing where we were both going home.

I held in the speaker button and I heard my voice echo as I told the passengers to prepare themselves and get ready to jump. I sat down in the driver’s seat, putting both hands on the red levers. I felt Jasons presence leave the room, then the door shut behind him.

We had already travelled 200ft. We had 400ft to go before impact. I breathed out as a tightly gripped the levers. Inhaling, I pulled as hard as I could. The train was jolting, the force was barely manageable, but I tried my best to keep the pressure equal. I closed my eyes, and listened. I could hear the metal grinding on the rails, the brakes squealing and the sirens just ahead. The carriage behind me became quiet as I realized the people had jumped. “I’m coming home.” I whispered to myself as I braced for impact.

I was succumbed by pain. I’d never felt this kind of hurt in my life. It was the kind I’d seen in movies, where you knew the person was dying but someone was coming to rescue them. I wondered if anyone was coming to rescue me. The pain was unbearable. It took away my breath, my thoughts and my reason to live. No one was coming, this was the end for me. I knew my time was done. I could feel my chest getting heavy as my body become weak. I exhaled as my vision faded. I closed my eyes for the last time and I could see my front door. I could hear my family on the other side. I smiled, really smiled and I went straight in.