Cold Coffee Morning

Jessica sat immobile in her reading chair, coffee slowly cooling on the side table nestled between the chair and the wall. It was so quiet in the early morning darkness she could have heard the echoes of the train making the street crossing miles away, and the soft 'tick-tick' of the furnace coming to life.

She could have heard those sounds, but the roaring in her ears as her heart pounded and her own inner voice chanting the same tired script drowned them out. She didn't move. She didn't hear.

She longed not to feel.

How she wished she'd gone straight to Wordle after she'd settled into the chair. But, no; why not take a look at Facebook? Why not try to shake out of the depression and actually engage with her 'network' of friends and acquaintances? Seeing photos, liking posts, sipping coffee: a good way to start the day.

One lone post with happy photos stopped her in her tracks. Thumb still ready to send the screen scrolling Jessica looked down into the group of happy smiling faces. Clustered together in a warmer climate, some holding souvenir animals, silly glasses, and oversized drink bottles, these familiar faces smiled at the camera and anyone that might see them on their timeline.

Her inner voice scolded her mercilessly: "How could you forget that it was the annual family vacation trip? The one that had grown over the years to include all of the family.. well not really all; was it Jessica? They haven't included you. They won't include you. They don't WANT you."

Her eyes lingered on each of them. Faces she knew, once, better than her own. Faces that now were the countenances of people she neither truly knew or understood.

For years those faces were the ones she sought out when entering a room. A school. A nursery. A team sport. A concert. A church camp. A birthday party pick up. An after work drive home. Her home. They were Jessica's touchstone, the reason she woke, worked, and endured.

Her eyes flickered to those same faces, in gold frames on the shelf nearest her reading chair. How long ago were those photos taken?

Jessica let her eyes flick over to the open smile of the man she once knew, his arm around one of the youngest in the vacation photo. How nice that he had time to be there, now.

It would have made life so much easier, so-so-so much easier, if he had been there, too, all of those many years. How many school plays, open houses, trips to skating practice, band performances, teacher conferences, shopping, cleaning; how many times was she the lone parent? Too many, that's how many. Too many.

With a deep breath, Jessica lifted her thumb and allowed the screen to go dark. She leaned back in the chair and willed her racing heart to slow.

"Shhhhhh", she whispered softly. "Shhh. This is what you wanted for them, isn't it? Family. You wanted them surrounded by family. Their children knowing and loving each other, growing up together. "

"In-laws that love and cherish them. Cousins and uncles and grandparents. Traditions that tie them closer together. Holidays where they have their own in-jokes and happy memories."

"This is what you wanted for them; a relationship with him. Him making the time to be there for the regular happy moments of their lives. The opportunity of continuity in their lives, building memories for their own families. Family photos, smiling faces. THIS is what you wanted, isn't it?"

Jessica opened her eyes, still seeing nothing in the quiet of the morning, trying to return to that almost-coffee centering wake up.

She held on to the good in her life. The people that she loved and who loved her in return. The sleeper in the other room that she reached out to touch in the night; her touchstone when the dreams and fears grew too strong. She thought about the person she had been, the one she had become, and all the work still to do in order to reconcile them to each other.

All of those times she had been the only one with them, would she have changed anything? No. Not even if she had understood that those times were all she would have. That her time, her presence, was finite.

Yes. This is what she had wanted. This is why she had made the decisions she had made, done the things she had done, and kept the adult things locked inside because it wasn't right to give them away in order to relieve the pressure.

This is what she wanted. She just thought she would be in the pictures, too.