Closer to the Sun

Growing up, Aurora’s mother had always taught her to be a lady and what that looks like. “Don’t speak too loudly,” she said. “Don’t be tempting these boys,” she said. “Don’t touch things in the store,” she said. Aurora, being an only child with a single mother, only had one mission: to ensure her mother was proud of her. Whatever Aurora’s mother asked of her, Aurora ensured she followed suit. Go to a highly established university, study a major where you won’t have to struggle for a living, apply yourself, chase your dreams. While Aurora went on a pursuit to fulfill the wishes of her mother, she never understood that last bit:

Chase my dreams? What does that feel like? What does that look like? How would I have an idea what my dreams were when I’m living out the ones of my mother?

During her junior year of high school, Aurora applied and got accepted to Howard University as a dance major. Aurora was so elated because not only did she make a point to fulfill her mother’s wishes, she got into an institution she was excited to attend in a major she was passionate about. Aurora’s mother, on the other hand, had a different plan for her. Prior to her attendance as a freshman at the institution, Aurora’s mother and godfather developed connections with the deans over in the School of Business to get her transferred from the College of Arts and Sciences. When the school asked for required documentation such as a letter of intent and standardized testing scores for the official transfer, Aurora’s mother insisted she complete the tasks immediately. Without hesitation, Aurora did what her mother asked of her. She didn’t see it as self-destructive or self- sacrificing. She just did as her mother asked of her because that’s what a good daughter did, right? She completed the letter requested, resubmitted her test scores and, alas, she was transferred into the School of Business.

During her time at Howard, Aurora went through an identity crisis. While she did make a substantial amount of friends in her school, she continued to feel out of place and too different from the other business school students. Her cravings to be accepted turned into frustration, resentment and nonconformity. The more she felt out of place, the more of a direction she went to ensure she was defiantly different. She would wear vibrant clothing to classes deemed “unprofessional,” wear pant suits opposed to skirt suits, cut her hair dyeing her head different colors weekly, and become disruptive in class by constantly challenging the school’s conditioning of its students to inherit this supremacist patriarchal way of thinking. She would take on this role as an anarchist yet all the disruption was in vain. Despite her acts of protest, she would continue to complete her degree in Finance because her destiny wasn’t her own.

After graduating from Howard with a Bachelor’s of Business Administration in Finance, she decided not to go into Finance. Instead, she applied to graduate school at Central Saint Martins to continue her defiance. During her first summer and fall back home, she worked as a cashier at a High Street retail store so she could transfer into the store in London while attending school for Fashion Merchandising. During the duration of her stay at home, she was constantly chastised, reprimanded, and shamed by her mother. She was constantly reminded of her failure, her irrational decisions, and her ungratefulness after everything she had sacrificed for her. Her mother’s codependency and her manipulative tactics to try and control her path onle led Aurora to more resentment and rebellion. Though not fully financially ready, Aurora had become obsessed with getting overseas to school as soon as she could, solely to prove her mother wrong. During this period in a foreign country, she would constantly get stranded, hop from hostel to hostel, watch her computer hard drive crash and her job be in jeopardy from her constant call outs. Yet, her goal to prove her mother wrong became an obsession so she would do whatever it took to finish the program and not come home without the degree.

After the 4 month intensive graduate program, she received a Postgraduate Certificate in Fashion Merchandising. With only spending 9 months home working again as a cashier, she finally built the courage to tell her mother she was moving to New York City to find out what sensation really meant. For the entirety of Aurora’s childhood and early adulthood, she never received the luxury to feel. She was conditioned to believe that, as a Black woman, she didn’t have the privilege to do so. The role she played in life was to appease the desires of others but never her own. It was her audacious adventure to New York City from the Midwest where she stumbled across a garden of marigolds, admiring their glow in the sunlight. She sat in the garden, closed her eyes, and took a breath. It was here she reflected on what it was. What is it she wanted to do? What was she aiming to feel? What was igniting her? What was she passionate about? It was in this garden where she recalled the years lost of her chasing dreams with no real direction. She cried furiously, instilling her with anger. She wanted to yell about her pain, she wanted an outlet to express herself. It was in the garden where Aurora discovered she wanted to write about social consciousness in relation to the fashion industry.

What Aurora felt led to action; she created a fashion blog called Stomping in the Marigolds where she discussed her disdain with the tone-deafness of specific fashion brands, advocated for body inclusivity and diversity in fashion campaigns, and the ongoing appropriation of Pan-African culture. Aurora’s voice was seen as “reactive,” “overwhelming,” and “angry.” She didn’t allow subscribers and critics to interfere with what she started because she knew society expected her to keep quiet. They became intimidated by a Black woman having the courage to voice her anger through literature. She was feared because, with her voice, they recognized her strength. They recognized her power because she now recognized herself.

Marigolds are a symbol of strength, power, and courage in a variety of cultures. They can be utilized in meditative practice to balance the sacral and solar plexus chakra; the cause and effect of what we feel versus what we will do about it. Aurora grew up a young Black girl full of anger and rage with no constructive way to release it. Her craving for freedom brought her good fortune. The ambition lingered within her and was waiting to be ignited. Her marigolds brought her closer to the sun.