Chewy On Your Boot

Marty and Steve are two grumpy old men who live together. They have known each other for years. Marty has been a bachelor all his life.

The two started living together when Steve’s wife passed away five years ago. Marty always told Steve it was a wonder she put up with him for that long.

So, it went on. They fought like cats and dogs all day and night, but the two were inseparable.

They were staggering along the path on a sunny afternoon when Marty suddenly stopped.

“What’s up with you, you silly old bugger?" teased Steve. “Going too fast for you?”

“I’ve got something on my shoe; take a look, Steve. Hold on while I prop up on this seat.”

“Oh, you silly old fart, you’ve trodden in chewing gum.”

“Damn, don’t you just hate that? Sticky, horrible stuff it is. How am I going to get that off my shoe?"

“How am I meant to know? I never tread in it. I watch where I am going. You are getting to be as blind as a bat, as well as being as stupid as an ass. Well, go and wipe it on the grass," said Steve, trying to get a rise out of Marty.

Steve couldn’t resist getting Marty worked up whenever he could. It was good fun.

“You used to eat a lot of chewy when you were young, didn’t you, Marty? You know when you were pretending to work and trying to play cricket.”

“It helped me to concentrate. Juicy fruit was my favourite until I discovered spearmint was better. Didn't get the farts as much!”

“Hasn’t helped you these days. Some of them you could bottle as poisonous gas!” continued Steve.

“My mother always told me that chewy stays in your gut for years, and it could even wrap around your heart and kill you. Maybe your farts are because you have all that chewy that is still in your gut?”

Marty paused and stopped wiping his shoe on the grass. "That is one of the dumbest things you have ever said, you crazy bastard,” Marty fired back.

“No, seriously, it is because it never degrades. That is why it is on your shoe and won’t come off. Have you ever sat on a bus and found a sticky lump of chew under the seat? It’s probably from some scared, pimply little school kid who didn’t want to swallow it," continued Steve, pleased with his effort so far at getting Marty fired up.

“Did you ever swallow it, mate?”

“Yes, I used to always swallow it. I never spat it out. That was a disgusting thing to do.”

"Well, there you go! You probably have a gut full of chewy that's making those terrible farts.”

“You’re getting so senile, you are starting to believe your own bullshit. I think the cheese has slid off your cracker. Make yourself useful; is it off my shoe yet?” snapped Marty.

Steve looked at Marty’s shoe. The chewy was entirely gone, wiped onto the grass, but he was not going to let Marty off that easily.

“No, there is still a big lump on your shoe, but hey, it's much smaller than the lump I bet you still have in your gut.”

“Idiot. Your gut empties every day. That is why we go to the toilet. Well, most of us do. In your case, you must take those god-awful laxatives every day. I don’t have to, so what do you say now?” fired off Marty.

“You need to go and get one of those colon preps, like when you are having a colonoscopy, just to be sure. You need to have a colonoscopy coming up soon, don’t you?”

“Yes, next month. So, when that is done, you can shut up about your damn chewy. Is it painful?”

“Painful? Painful? No, don’t plan to move more than two steps from the loo. I tell you, that will cure your chewy problem for life. Last time I had to take that prep, I reckoned I'd got rid of the stuff I had eaten in high school. That will fix you,” was Steve’s advice.

The two resumed walking.

“By the way, all that chewy is off your show now.” Steve now confessed to Marty.

“Eat many seeds when you were younger?” continued Steve. “They say they can actually grow in your gut if you are not careful.”

Till next time,

Calvin

Submitted for the "What the Myth Gets Wrong" challenge: