CHESS PIECE

The phone keeps ringing, what the ****, my sleep was peaceful dreaming, whoever it is just woke me up! It's my ex-brother in law as I pick up I hear him sob.....

"What? What happened you say?, No I didn't, I didn't bring the baby today".

"Well something happened there's something I must tell you but when did ya'll fight?"

"Wait, hold on brother let me turn on a light", as I rise and wipe the sleep from my eyes I'm starting to panic so much in my mind, (I can only imagine what he did this time) I creep to the bathroom our baby is asleep "Hey Bro what's up? I knew it was a good idea to not bring the baby up he needs to earn us back and I know he's screwing up" (well I assumed & he's probably messing with someone else) " I'm so tired of this dude."

"No, Sis wait! slow the down you assume too much and care too late we are about to put my brother in the ground."

"Put your Brother in the ground? What?! What do you mean? We had an amazing time just this past week."

"I know you did he was excited said he had a great time with you and his kid... Then you played your usual game blocked him because of something he said why do you do that? You know he's depressed holds all the mistakes he made with you and his kids close to his chest. He loves you both ever so much no matter what your family he misses you calling when the baby wakes up. No matter what it's about Baby V not about what happened between you two how can you be so callous so mean in everything that you do.?"

"Well he is an addict for drugs he gave us up I tried for so long and he just abandoned us," I think as I start to tear up (but he's gone now, Damn! I love him so much!) "He's really gone?" (What about our baby, OMG! God, I'll forgive him please bring him back V & I need him please this can't be real! He would have been a great Dad if only I gave him a chance & forgave his mistakes didn't make it so hard for him to see V and told him how I feel he'd probably be still alive today.)"Hello Brother, you still there?"

"Yeah, Sis, you ok? You and the baby are all he talked about that day, He was distraught felt he had nothing thought no one cared always felt worthless because of the things he did just wanted to be there for you and his kid. He tried to message you and was blocked called no answer he took it real hard got really quiet while looking at his arms, the scars and, marks he hated you see hated his life without you and Lil V as much as you think he didn't care every day he thought of you and V just wanted you to be there he was lonely he just wanted to be a father to Lexa and V but he made many mistakes you see the shame and guilt got too heavy to bear, plus the stuff we piled on by saying things with no care, only thinking of our hurt he made himself suffer you see didn't have the same processes for trauma as you or me. Sometimes he would try talking to me most times I'd yell I had things to do, I have a family I care for too! After I said that he just left told me I was lucky that my girl still cared no matter what stuck by me, I told him to piss off it's not my fault that he is a junk box, and that's the last time I saw him because he walked away so many things I'd change if I could go back to that day". He said with a sob, "I guess he called Dad and tried to talk about you Dad said he didn't care go do what you do, at that point he gave up said he might as well go use said he messed everything up with his daughters those beautiful two, he lost his girl and the chance to be a father his dream come true, the struggles that addiction and depression bring are real if he only changed his mindset his life the addiction wouldn't steal, maybe if we showed more support and love but he burnt that bridge you see, every time I tried I'd get annoyed and tell him to get away from me."

"I just never got it with the drugs."

"The whole thing is he fell apart & it helped him escape when he lost your love, he felt so alone he carried his regret with him each and every day as he tried to make amends you'd just push him away saying he needed to do more and prove more change".

"Yeah but stop Brother wait he made this choice it isn't my mistake". I stop and think as I stare at the phone (I was really hard on him always hot and cold, but was it too much for him to atone?) Now I'm crying as I look at our baby V "I only tried to push him to make him stronger you see?"

"I know Sis tough love I tried it too, I expected him to rise to the challenge not fall to his tomb" I hear papers rustling he's starting to sob"

"Man **** the drug and the depression," he says "maybe if we had listened & shown more love and support my Brothers life it wouldn't have robbed, he left a letter," he says and now I'm really starting to cry (his past mistakes weren't so much that it cost his life.)

"Hello my family, it starts to say, I love you all & I'm sorry to hurt you but I'm better of this way, now no more worry or stress over me, I'm out of the way and I'm no longer dope sick, and not a bother, after all, I'm a sad excuse for a man anyway, hahaha no seriously it's ok please don't cry none of you need or want me it's better I die. To my kids I'm sorry I sucked as a Dad please know I tried but I sucked at this life I couldn't care for myself my kids and even lost the woman I wanted to wife I lost it all for my struggle with drugs & depression please my children look at your Dad as a lesson I had no self-worth & no one loved me or could even show support as much as I hurt it's ok I don't blame you I'm just a **** up thank God that pain & life are over for me I no longer struggle or feel incomplete, tell my babies I'm sorry Dad really tried maybe when I see them again I'll have a chance until then I'll see you all on the other side.