Cheeseburger Romance

Tom sat alone at the tall bar table. His feet dangled from the stool. He fidgeted with the cloth napkin surrounding his silverware. Waiting. Every few seconds his eyes would dart between the entryway, the napkin and his phone. She was running late. Not too late but late enough to let some worry creep into his mind. He felt the eyes of the room closing in on him. He did his best to ignore it but their whispers were getting louder in his head. Look at him. So pathetic. He got stood up. Of course he got stood up, look at him. He’s so sweaty. His pit stains are soaking through his jacket. What a loser.

It was now that his anxiety got the better of him and he needed to escape to the safety of the bathroom. As he got up to turn and head there the waitress had arrived with a tray holding two waters and a beer. He turned hard into her as she let out a yelp and all the drinks flew to their left. He lunged at the tray trying to catch the glasses, forgetting the waitress was still there. He pushed her hard down into the puddle and the attention of the room he had been dreading now solely rested on him.

“What’s your problem pal?” A busboy swept in with a scowl. He began helping the waitress up before Tom could even comprehend what had happened.

“It’s alright, just a little accident,” she said to the busboy. “Why don’t you get this cleaned up and I’ll go get some new drinks.” She sent an annoyed smile to Tom.

He was still dumbfounded but managed to get out a “Sorry” as she walked away. The busboy got to sweeping up the ice and mopping up the puddle at their feet. Tom bent down to help but the irritated busboy stopped him. Unsure of what to do, he stood over the man feeling useless and awkward. The other patrons returned their attention to their own tables. Tom returned to checking his phone and the entryway. To his relief she still hadn’t arrived. He then felt over his clothes checking for any damp spots. He had managed to stay spill free throughout the ordeal. He took this as a good omen and cheered up a little bit. He hopped back up on the bar stool and nodded another apology to the busboy as he walked by.

Soon the waitress returned and everything was back in order. Tom did his best to not peel the label off the beer bottle in front of him as he waited. Embarrassment weighed on him and he was ready to call it a night when she walked through the door.

Leslie had not been out on a date in so long that her first thought when walking through the door was not to panic. To play it cool. This proved difficult due to the wedgie she had attained on the Uber ride over. In her nervous excitement she had forgotten to pick it loose. She spotted her date and made her way to the table. Tom stood and walked around to meet her. Thinking on her feet she remembered an old trick from middle school. She put one foot in front of the other and stumbled forward into Tom’s arms. This took all the attention away from her picking the wedgie out of her ass. His arms trembled as he helped her get her bearing. She wasn’t a large woman by any means but Tom was exceptionally weak. This was new territory for her. There had been one too many brawny lumberjack types who were all the same. She spent the last year sulking over a lumberjack. Now she thirsted for something different. She decided to go out with a nice guy. Not a lot of muscle but a real sweetheart. She adored him but she told herself she wouldn’t show it. She was here to play it cool.

They both stood facing each other while their peripherals scanned up and down the other. Seeing the attire of other bar patrons she regretted her outfit choice. When she saw her date was in the same overdressed predicament her tension eased. She wore a tight black dress that accentuated her curves. Her curled and natural hair framed her face. Her makeup was subtle and light. He wore a pressed collared shirt. A pair of dirty but fashionable jeans and a wrinkled jacket that had some mileage on it completed the look. His trimmed beard added shape to his face and his hair did that messy, casual thing she had seen in magazines.

In reality the tight and uncomfortable dress felt like wearing a coffin. She had spent at least an hour curling her hair and another forty-five minutes doing her makeup. His collared shirt was only pressed because he had bought it earlier that afternoon. The rest of his messy ensemble had been resting along an unused arm chair for around two weeks. The only thing he had paid any attention to was his beard. He had trimmed but it was unnoticeable.. The impression he was trying to give was that he was too busy to shave. Thus, he appeared too busy to have ironed clothes. Other than the shirt, which he hoped she wouldn’t ask about.

“Hi, I’m Tom.” He said sticking his hand out. This wasn’t as confident a move as he could’ve made. He worried that if he hugged her she would feel the damp pond emitting from his pits.

“Leslie, nice to meet you,” she said with a smile as she took her seat at the table.

“Will you excuse me, I have to run to the bathroom real quick. But I started a tab, get whatever you want.” Tom said as he turned around and paused before making his way toward the back

Leslie slouched on the stool as soon as Tom left her sight. She glanced around the bar for a moment and then pulled out her phone. The brick walls and modern brass pipe light fixtures turned the room into a dead zone. Her gaze swept the room looking for a distraction from her ever growing nerves. As she tapped her foot on the table leg, a scent caught her attention. She was sweating and had forgotten to put on deodorant. She reached into her bag and pulled out a deodorant stick and started applying it. The waitress began approaching. Fearing ridicule she dropped the stick and yanked the menu out from under a glass of water. The glass tipped, spilling water on the waitress's leg as she arrived at the table.

“Oh my god! I’m so sorry!” Leslie said to the waitress trying to find her inner peace.

“It’s fine.” she managed to respond through gritted teeth and then yelled for the busboy.

Tom stood in front of the mirror trying to decide how much his nipples stood out behind the shirt he was wearing. The thought crossed his mind that if he wore a more wrinkled shirt he wouldn’t be in this predicament. He took stock of the rest of his look. The only other problem was the puddle of moisture starting to drip under his armpits. Out of the corner of his eye he saw the air dryer and thought that he could kill two birds with one stone. It would dry his armpits and warm his chest at the same time. He removed his jacket and placed it on the counter. He positioned his chest under the dryer. He made sure to pause for a few seconds at the armpit before sweeping across his chest and getting the other. He went back and forth under the dryer pausing every few seconds to press the button and start the dryer again. He did this until the familiar face of the busboy entered the bathroom. He gave Tom the same scowl from earlier and Tom returned the same “Sorry.”

Tom didn’t notice the new spill when he returned to the table.

Before he could speak, a waiter brought over a Gin and Tonic and placed it in front of Leslie.

“Your waitress has left for the night. I’ll be taking care of you from now on. Your food will be out shortly.” He said with a sharp biting tone and walked away.

“Geeze, what’s his problem?” Tom asked laughing off the guilt he was feeling. Leslie in return laughed off hers.

“No idea.” she said shrugging her shoulders. They both took sips of their drinks.

The conversation started light. It began like most of their conversations did: with food.

“What did you order?”

“Oh, a small appetizer. Are you hungry?”

“No, but please don’t let me stop you.” Tom said. He had once spilled mustard on a white shirt and was teased mercilessly by his date. After that he made it a point to not wear white shirts or order food on first dates.

Leslie found it peculiar that Tom wasn’t getting food. Most of their conversations had revolved around food. Panic began to swell in her gut as she thought ordering food was the wrong move. She did her best to keep the thought out of her mind and sipped on her Gin and Tonic.

“Are you from here?”

“Where? The bar?” Leslie quipped.

“No, from LA.” Tom said with a calming chuckle. When talking to someone the first time on a dating site he had a trick that helped ease his tensions. It was to somehow lead the conversation to food. An easy, casual topic that doesn’t dig too deep. It also has the added benefit of association. If you talk to her about food and you like a lot of the same things, she’ll think of you every time she eats one of those things. It’s an easy way for you to get into her mind once if not three times a day. It also left the more personal topics for the actual date when conversation would hit a lull.

“I’m from Chicago, I came out here a few years ago and have loved it ever since. You?”

“Washington, then here for college and then never left.”

The conversation went back and forth as they learned more about each other. It was the typical first date conversation that everyone had and everyone hated.

“Do you have any siblings?”

“I have a brother, he lives back in Washington. You?”

“Only child.” Leslie said as she smiled and sipped the last of her Gin and Tonic.

“Ooh, a golden child.” Tom quipped back and they both chuckled.

After they had exhausted the usual first date topics they hit a pause. They hit the crucial part of the date. To push further on anything or fill the rest of the night until they left and never saw each other again. Leslie tapped her foot on the leg of the table. Tom took the last sip from his beer and felt a bead of sweat roll down his armpit.

Then something happened. Something he didn’t account for, something he didn’t know how to react to.

From the moment she spotted the waitress walking over with it, her eyes never left it. A plate with one of the largest cheeseburgers he’d ever seen on it laid on the table in front of the petite woman. It was a burger patty or two, with two types of melted cheese running down the sides. On top of that there were a few slices of grease drenched bacon. Topping that was what looked like pulled pork lathered in barbeque sauce. On top of all that juicy, greasy red meat was a pile of creamy mac and cheese. Vegetables were for salads and rabbits. Surrounding the monster of a burger were mounds of curly fries and buckets of ranch dressing.

Without any mention to Tom. Without any acknowledgement that anyone was even at the table with her. She grabbed the burger in both of her small, feminine hands. Her soft, delicate lips opened and she began eating. Her eyes rolled back in her head, grease drained from the meat and cheese spilled onto her top. Bite after bite, she savored every morsel. Tom wanted to speak but there was no one to speak to, she was in a different world. Once the burger left the plate it never touched it again. She devoured the whole thing. Her eyes finally opened, her lids were heavy with orgasmic euphoria. Barbeque sauce and grease lined her lips and any remains of lipstick had vanished. She looked at him. Her eyes went wide with a look of embarrassment. She slid the plate of untouched, grease covered fries to him.

“Sorry, I’m so rude. Would you like some fries?” she said through a shimmering beard of sauce and flavor. That’s when Tom knew. He would marry this woman.

Tom jumped at the fries and from that moment on there wasn’t an ounce of awkwardness in their conversation. He made her laugh and she made him laugh. They made up stories about the bar patrons around them. They both confessed their accidents that had caused a poor waitress to quit. The nerves in their guts stuck in the knots of laughter and stayed there. When a draft cruised through the room, Tom removed his jacket and placed it on Leslie’s shoulders. She could feel the damp armpit of the jacket but she didn’t care. If the room had filled with gasoline, the spark between them would’ve blown up a city block.

They made it to the street a few hours later slightly intoxicated and enamored with each other. They again looked at each other and laughed at the outrageous tip they felt the need to leave. Tom, more confident than he had ever felt, pulled her in closer and did something he had never done on a first date. He kissed her. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him back. When they pulled apart Tom said something Leslie would later quote in her wedding vows:

“That tasted like a cheeseburger.” They both laughed and walked off together into the night.