Chapter 3: The Medical Mirage

“Maybe I don’t know how to love anymore,

Zaki entered my life in a whirlwind of messages and calls, a 23-year-old Indian medical student who seemed full of promise and charm. We first connected through Instagram back in March, his profile picture capturing a youthful energy that felt contagious. He was different from the others—bold, confident, and unafraid to express his intentions. “I want to know you, marry you,” he declared, almost out of the blue, like a man on a mission. His proposal was sudden, and while it startled me, it also intrigued me. I decided to see where this unexpected connection could lead.

From that point on, Zaki and I were inseparable, at least digitally. Despite our busy schedules and the miles between us, we found solace in late-night calls and long conversations that spanned everything from our dreams to our deepest fears. He was studying medicine in the same city where I lived, yet there always seemed to be a reason we couldn’t meet—family commitments, exams, unexpected emergencies. And though he was just 20 minutes away, the distance felt like a chasm neither of us could cross.

Zaki was consistently inconsistent. He would message me at odd hours, sometimes pouring his heart out, other times disappearing without explanation. There were nights when he would keep me awake until dawn, sharing stories about his life, his ambitions, his dreams of becoming a doctor. He told me about his "brotherly friend," a constant presence in his life, always watching out for him, always around. He would often narrate stories of his past relationships, his intimate encounters, and his wild adventures, a part of him that both fascinated and unsettled me.

Our relationship was like a dance, a delicate balance between affection and frustration. We were always one step away from either falling into each other’s arms or walking away for good. There were moments when his words made me feel like I was the only woman in the world, and moments when he seemed distracted, his mind elsewhere. It was intoxicating and maddening all at once, a rollercoaster I wasn't sure I wanted to get off just yet.

Things came to a head when Zaki decided to return to India. He promised he would only be gone for a couple of months, that he would come back for me, that he couldn’t live without me. I felt a flutter of hope, a belief that maybe, just maybe, this time things would be different. But when he returned, things were far from the fairy tale I had hoped for. We were still cities apart, and the distance seemed to grow with every passing day.

Recently, a new shadow crept into our already complicated relationship. He mentioned a woman who often stayed at his house, someone who played a wife-like role, even though she had a boyfriend of her own. At first, I tried to brush it off, telling myself it was nothing, that he wouldn’t let someone else come between us. But doubts began to gnaw at me, especially when he told me that she had initiated moves to sleep with him.

We had a heated argument about it, my insecurities flaring up like an old wound that had never quite healed. “Why would you let her stay?” I demanded, feeling a knot of jealousy and frustration tighten in my chest. “Why are you letting her act like that with you?”

His response was a mix of defensiveness and apathy. “She’s just a friend,” he said, almost dismissively. “She has her own boyfriend; it’s nothing serious.” But his tone didn’t match his words, and I could feel a wedge forming between us, a rift that seemed to widen with every word spoken.

The worst came when he sided with her over me, leaving me feeling blindsided and hurt. “Maybe I don’t know how to love anymore,” he confessed one night, his voice heavy with regret. “Ever since my first girlfriend left me for someone else, I don’t think I’ve known what love is supposed to feel like.”

His words cut deep, reopening old wounds I thought I had moved past. I could feel the ground shifting beneath us, the foundation of whatever we had built beginning to crack. I knew then that we were both walking on eggshells, each of us afraid to make the wrong move, to say the wrong thing, fearing that at any moment, the fragile balance we had maintained could shatter into pieces.

There are moments when I feel a wave of sadness, a heavy ache in my chest, knowing that we are holding onto something that feels like it’s slipping through our fingers. I find myself questioning everything—his words, his actions, his intentions. I wonder if he’s truly committed, or if he’s just holding on because it’s easier than letting go. I feel the doubt settle in like a fog, clouding my judgment, making it hard to see the path forward.

But then, there are moments when he surprises me—when he calls just to say he misses me, when he tells me he can’t imagine his life without me. There are times when he makes me laugh, makes me feel beautiful, makes me believe that maybe, against all odds, we can find a way to make this work.

Yet, the uncertainty looms large. I feel like I’m balancing on a tightrope, with every step a risk of falling. I’m torn between wanting to fight for what we have and the fear that maybe, we’re both just waiting for the other to walk away. I wonder if we’re clinging to something that isn’t real, or if we’re simply afraid of what comes next if we let go.

For now, I don’t have the answers. All I know is that I’m still here, holding on, hoping that maybe, if we both try hard enough, we can figure out how to love again—without the ghosts of the past haunting every step we take.

Moral of the Story: Love is a delicate balance of trust, vulnerability, and commitment. It requires both people to be fully present and willing to navigate the uncertainties together.

Note to Young Women: Understand that love isn’t always clear-cut; it’s filled with complexities and moments of doubt. Trust your instincts, but also be willing to communicate openly and honestly about your needs and concerns.

Advice to Young Men: Recognize the impact of your past experiences on your present relationships. Be honest about your feelings and fears, but also be willing to take responsibility for your actions and how they affect your partner. Love requires effort, understanding, and a willingness to grow together.