Chance

I took my first breath today ...

It was invigorating, there was a sensation that flowed through my body ... The sense of being aware, awakened … As though all my senses had been heightened for the very first time.

I took my first breath today, and I swear to you, for the first time in such a very long time I felt so ... Alive!!

I now have this sense of knowing, a sense of self ... but i'm yearning for more, begging to be, yet not as I was, but as I am in this moment, in the “Now”. Alive as though I had been re-birthed into this world, still carrying the memories of old, yesterday and today, the memories that say this is who you use to be, use them to mold you into whom you are suppose to be, and so it shall be.

I took my first breath today …

I took, my first breath today, and I was overcome with a vast and complete sense of being …

This, this feeling, the emergence that has overcome me, giving back to me something that I once lost a time ago. A scene of purpose in my life, giving me a means to be complete again.

C'est la vie' ...

I digress and slip back into the deep darkness of depression, exfoliating the colorful expression from before and I indulge you with the truth. Something not quite often I do, but alas … this is my truth, Ugly as it may be, it is mine, and only time will tell how many bells will ring and if angels will sing a sweet lullaby underneath my tree. or shall i be forsaken but the atrocity that i have committed? a voice in the dwelling's of my mind echo out to me " look at you, you wicked, wicked boy you"

Allow me to begin again, and tell you what I really mean ...

I took my first life today ...

With these two hands, I extended my reach and I grabbed a man by the nape of his collar.

I was quick, and without thought, it happened within a blink.

I was not provoked, I stood bigger than he in both size and stature. Like a grasshopper to an ant if you will. I was in no form of danger, if at all anything I was the danger and it should be he who stood clear of me. he was but a stranger and I, a man whittled with anger, hollow on the inside, damaged and filled with despair, and nothing left to give, reflecting on him, an outlet I wished for myself.

I took my first life today,

It stemmed from a selfish, thoughtless place of mind, a piece of me i struggled with for year's in this life. i had nothing left to give of myself but myself, i was destructive and rash, lashing out in creative ways hiding the real grit of what lies within. Noone could see what I didn't want them to know, and no one was thoughtful enough to care, to see the visible scars that appeared whenever my absence arose.

But alas I guess that’s what happens when you become a chameleon within your own ways.

Somehow, along the way I lost sight and let the wall down that hid my ambition. And now the absence that was once undetected was there deep within my eye’s.

Screaming out I am Alive!!

They drew cold and dark, my spirit shifted and my essence changed, and now this stranger and I embark on a journey of unstable territory and only I know the end, to the chapter of this story.

I took my first life today ...