Campbell

There was a time when you knew me better than anyone else. We couldn’t be separated, and I couldn’t imagine life without you. I still remember every detail of your face. I still remember every different smile you had. I remember the softness in your voice and the scent of your skin as you held me close. I still remember those summer nights when it was so warm we could sleep outside and count the stars. You had loved me then. At least, I thought you did. Everything about you is frozen like a photograph in my mind. How could things have changed so much in six years? How could it have been so long since I even saw you, much less talked to you? I have no idea, but thinking about you now, the pain feels as fresh as it did the last moment I saw you.

I really thought this was it. I really thought this was all I would ever need. It was strange and not what I expected, but you seemed to be everything I could ever want. I couldn’t imagine being happier than I was with you hands on my hips as I looked up into your brown sugar eyes. We talked about the future and joked about how things could end up. I never thought that it was a lie or that my life could go another way. Though I suppose I can’t be surprised, you always felt like a fairytale.

“There’s time. We have time,” you whispered to me. I let all my worries and fears be carried away with your words. The feeling of your lips against my forehead, so hot and light. It felt like being kissed by fire. It was the most perfect feeling in the world. You have no idea how much I longed for more. I wanted to feel the fire burn me up. Back then, I was so sure that I knew that I was the only person you’d look at like that. I knew that if I could just hold that gaze, I’d be happy with for the rest of my life.

But it only lasted as long as we were alone. The love only seemed to last as long as we were alone. As soon as we went outside, it was as if you woke up and realized that our love was just a hopeless dream. We were unconventional, I knew that. I didn’t know how to cope with that. I thought we could figure it out, I guess you didn’t. I couldn’t know how to control the pain and fear that came up inside. Like a sad little monster demanding to be felt, and screaming for reassurances. The fearful rage of jealousy warmed up in me every moment I watched you be kind and gentle with anyone else. You were such a wild leader, a lion man. Of course, you would be kind and gentle with everyone. I couldn’t help but be suspicious of every woman I saw, every one of them that I knew thought lustfully after you the way I did. That would be my downfall. I find myself wondering now, if I had been happy with only the love you gave, would you have stayed? If I could have kept in my jealousy and fear, would you love me still? Should I have tried harder to keep the pain inside and feel satisfied with what you could share? I don’t know. I won’t ever know. That tears me up more than almost anything else. Though I know I couldn’t have. I know there was no way I couldn’t have been satisfied to only hold your heart in the shadows. There was no way this could have played out that didn’t leave me broken and hollow.

It still hurts to think that I was asking too much to ask you to love me as much as I loved you. It makes me angry to think I was wrong to want to share our connection instead of keeping it hidden inside. Part of me still feels like everything was my fault. I still feel as if I’m to blame, even though I knew you were going to be a troubled love from the start.

We talked about our future like nothing could stop us. We talked about our children and places to travel as if we had all the time imaginable. You had these conversations with me under the stars and in the dark corners as if there was nothing else you wanted. As if this were all you could ever imagine for yourself. You made me feel like I could think that way, too. I remember arguing with you, so playfully, so quietly. Whispering and little light kisses as if even this couldn’t keep you away from me. I would have done anything to make that moment last forever. You made me into a pitiful fool.

Do you remember that night in your backyard, watching the stars in the warm New Mexico air? Do you remember the feeling of my hand in yours and the connected heat flowing between us? Do you think of me at all? Do you miss me? Or is all of this past… like a long forgotten dream? I wish it were that way for me. I wish I could forget the fierceness in your lion eyes. I wish I could move on, and I wish I didn’t feel this small fracture in my heart.

I have someone else now. A new love. A man who truly loves me and he’s not afraid to let everyone know. I know you do too. Some girl that you dote on. Some girl that you give all the things that you were never able to give to me. You’re so open and seem so light with her, so happy. I wish I could say I was happy for you. I wish I could reassure my lover that my heart doesn’t hurt to think of you. But inside, I know nothing will ever be as it was before.