Buy Any Other Name

Olivia tried to think of a title for herself with her annual summer job. “I will call myself a Peacekeeper." she reasoned. Mom and dad are always arguing and I keep the peace”, she thought. "Everyone always likes peacekeepers. If you’re a peacekeeper you are free to travel around the world.” Ultimately, she wanted to be a veterinarian so she could exotic animals.

As Olivia started to pull weeds in the cauliflower section, she noticed the plant was shaped like a face. It had a protrusion for a nose and a crease for a mouth. There were two blue color discolorations that resembled a pair of eyes. Olivia backed away from the plant and decided it was best to take a break.

Inside the house Grandma Liz greeted Olivia with a glass of her favorite beverage, sweet tea and a slice of her delicious chocolate cake. It was a miracle she was able to save a piece from the night before.

When it came to visiting her grandparents, her mom was always the first to finish dinner so she would be the first to get a slice of grandma's chocolate cake. When she was getting ready to leave, she then would take another piece of the chocolate cake with her fingers. She would nibble as she was parting, all the way to the car.

Olivia saw her grandma as the pillar of strength in their family but doubted whether even she could undo what Grandpa Wayne had done the day before. Things were going fine; mom had her handle on the car door and then it came. “Hey Catherine you could go back into the house to lick the bowl.”

"How stupid." thought Olivia, "You just don’t say things like that to ostentatious people." She knew deeply how her mom held grudges. She was ill at ease about the reprisal her mom would be scheming for her next confrontation with the Joker.

Olivia greeted the morning with her favorite pun, “I know who you are, you’re Dawn”. Her alarm clock had a radio and could run on batteries so she took it outside with her.

She checked for blooming fruits and vegetables, insect damage, weeds and dead leaves. She had to do it because the “buds were her buds”. It then dawned on her to check on the amusing cauliflower plant.

Olivia brought a pale of water and hand watered the funny looking plant, at the same time dubbing it “Fountainhead”. This was after a book she had to read for school and absolutely hated. She wanted to be a veterinarian so she couldn’t sympathize with a guy who thought creating blue prints of buildings was more important than restoring health to a woozy goosy.

“A woozy goos ee”, she laughed out loud. “Fountainhead you are my woozy goosy” she said.

The oldies station was playing love songs, setting a spell that focused Olivia’s attention on Fountainhead. Her body began swaying to the sensual beat. With her thoughts she told Fountainhead of how her dad saw a picture of her when she was dressed up in her laced tie dye summer dress and said she looked “sensual”. She didn’t even know what that meant.

It was the first time anyone ever said that to her. She swayed closer to Fountainhead, who was always organic but now becoming animate. And maybe intimate. "Do you think I'm sensual?", Olivia softly asked the plant.

Like many of the girls at school, Olivia had calf love when it came to Douglas Roberts. Giggling over him with her friend Kaylan was what she enjoyed the most.

Olivia got a phone call and a series of texts from Kaylan. They included a picture of Douglas and Kaylan at the park. The texts leading up to the picture led Olivia to believe that Douglas’ being there was a flabbergasting coincidence. Kaylan and Douglas basically kissing made her doubt that.

“No!” she lamented.

Olivia jumped out of bed and out to the field. She cusped the appendages that made for ears and brought her brown eyes close to his blue. “What have I done Fountainhead?" she bemoaned. "I took for granted how good everything was and now, well… Hump the hostess.” she cried.

This was a phrase taught to her by her aunt to which they giggled at as being perverse. “Hump the hostess!” she screamed.

Olivia returned from the barn with a shovel. “I love you Fountainhead. I am really sorry I have to take you away from your family, they’re really beautiful too, but I need you now Fountainhead.”

Olivia cleared the bricks and wooden boards that were lying on the ground between the shed and the garage. She rolled a large drum to the area between the two. She then filled it with potting soil.

Olivia confided to her partner in mime that she wanted to live together forever. She told it that it was her favorite plant ever and that she also loved animals and wanted to be a veterinarian.

Olivia confided to Fountainhead that she would examine the farm's chickens in the morning, the sheep when they had them and the dogs and cats when she could catch them. She found that the chickens were laying larger than usual brown eggs and that is why grandma was able to make such incredible chocolate cake.

If she was a vet and nursed back pets that the owner no longer wanted or could afford, she would bring them to their home. She told Fountainhead they could raise them as a family.

Olivia got the metal stool from the garage and placed it a fingerbreadth from Fountainhead. She gracefully sat down. Slowly she wrapped her legs around the makeshift vase.

Olivia respected Fountainhead's independence, but there was no longer reason to give it space. Before she could finish looking into his blue spots her lips were pressed against his creased leaf lips, kissing. She couldn’t countervail the forces that threw her hands around the back of Fountainhead. She thrust her shorts against the drum.

Olivia could feel that the energy was too much for Fountainhead. She kept her lips pressed against the crease and calmly put her hands on the roots which felt like a person’s shoulders.

She let up on grinding against the drum. Giggling she asked, “How about if I turn your around and put a little butter on your broccoli?”. That line might have come from her aunt.

Fountainhead was being a little too passive, she had to spice things up. With a stern look on her face she cupped her pint-sized breasts and dramatically adjusted her bra. “Hey, I never said I was a tree hugger!”

Olivia felt it was time to rotate the plant. The drum was incredibly heavy as she pulled down on it to initiate the titubation.

The shifted weight over took her forcing the drum to play its final note, a crashing, thunderous thud. "What do I do now?" she wondered.

Her inner voice surprised her with a "You panic!".

Olivia was instantly over taken by roller's remorse. She was just at startled that Fountainhead jumped three feet away from the drum, roots and all still attached.

Olivia’s cell went off. It was a text from Kaylan. Her and “Doug” were now Snap Chatting from the Aquarium. They had their arms around each other.

She wanted to send them back a picture of her mounting Fountainhead. Quickly she realized a scantily clad girl on top of a mound of dirt looking at a head of cauliflower wouldn’t daunt anyone.

Olivia pulled the truck to the back of the garage. She gently propped up Fountainhead and what looked like a root based human body on the back of the bed.

Olivia drove a short distance and then pulled the truck over to the side of the road in despair. Not far away there was a tall tree that had fallen over and was leaning on another standing tree.

She grabbed the plant by the shoulder like roots and placed the round head like part of the plant against her chest keeping it stable with her chin. She carried it to the tree.

She dropped Fountainhead between the trees. It took several seconds for her to hear him "land". She lifted her own leg over the log. As she tried to set it she found there was no ground and she spiraled down a chute to the base of a burrow.

Olivia heard a voice say “Let’s go broccoli butt”. “Fountainhead” Olivia called out to a cauliflower plant that was now walking.

“What “Brassica”?", the plant replied angrily. "My name is Curdis." The plant lashed.

"You called me Fountainhead because you watered me with an old pail, and after a book you hated.” Olivia was embarrassed about having shifted her bra in front of him.

As they walked, Olivia heard a soft chanting, “A win ter’s day…. A win ter’s Day.”. It was the most soulful singing Olivia could imagine.

Perhaps they had just passed under the ground where broccoli was being grown. Olivia could never stand eating broccoli but now was enamored by her new conception of their spiritual dimension. “A win ter’s Day”.

Looking up from the tunnel Olivia could see new sets of roots. They were carrots and sang “Are you go ing, are you go ing”. Same tone, same harmony, somewhat a different pitch, maybe a little louder

When Olivia and Curdis arrived to the cauliflower underbelly, she heard “then she’ll be a true love of mine”. Olivia recalled listening to her grandpa’s Simon and Garfunkel’s Greatest Hits. The rhythm, the chanting, the music it all had something to do with that album.

"Here, this is what we drink." said Curdis. He handed her a cup with a brown liquid inside. It tasted like an earthy type of coffee or cocoa that wasn’t too bitter and didn’t have too much flavor.

"This is my family Brassica." announced Curdis. He pointed up to the vegetation that now seemed to rustle, shaking as if to wave or say hi.

“Aren’t parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme all kinds of plants and herbs?” A trumpet began playing and gradually it was getting louder. “Yes Olivia, these are seasonings which are sprinkled on us before we are consumed.

“Is this like the Vegetables cartoon I used to watch when I was a kid?”. “Yes Olivia, we inspired writers to make fun shows for kids to know how much we love them and we help each other grow”.

The trumpet got louder and the walls of the cavern shook. Small dense leaves fell from the roots above them. Olivia got a text, it was from her mother and she wondered where she was. Olivia forgot her mother was coming.

Leaves from the underbelly rained down on Olivia at a steady pace. Curdis began nonchalantly picking at them with his rooted hands. “Are you sure you want to say you were a peas keeper?”.

Olivia’s mom texted, “Olivia where are you? Grandpa Wayne needs the truck.” “I have to go, Curdis, I have to go!”. "Your genus" mumbled Curdis.

“Wake up Olivia, wake up”, said her mom, gently rocking her. As Olivia’s lazily opened her eyes.

Olivia’s mom’s lily-white face glowed in the morning sunlight sharply contrasted by her lucky green headscarf. Her mom was always there for her after nightmares or panic attacks. “Come on love, I cut you a slice of grandma’s chocolate cake”.