Bunnies in Space

BUNNIES IN SPACE

Sam was awoken at midnight, rather rudely he thought, as his alarm was set for 4am. The cows weren't normally this restless, nor did they possess an unearthly light like the one glaring through his window. The deep humming, thrumming was also a bit out of character.

Cursing quietly, he pulled himself out of bed, and some old blue jeans over his bare legs. He squinted out the window, seeing nothing until the light died down a bit. The humming and thrumming also faded. No cows in sight.

What there was, was a large, silvery, saucer-type shape in his yard. Well, more like two saucers stuck together. Sam never quite got that term. But you know the shape. Anyway, if that wasn't disconcerting enough: without any obvious opening in the “saucer”, five figures shimmered into sight outside of it. Even from a distance, they didn't look all that human.

Thinking this might possibly constitute a threat of some sort, Sam thought fast. Staying low, he edged his way to the back room of his small house to pull out his shotgun. Fumbling in the dark, he found his stash of ammo, loaded and made his way toward the front door, his heart thumping. The light from the saucer, dimmed as it was, still flooded in through the gap under the door.

With a deep breath, Sam opened the door and stood there in his jeans and dressing gown, shotgun in hand. He could see five figures, spindly bodies, grey, with large heads, big dark almond shaped eyes. Basically your typical alien, thought Sam, almost disappointed really. They were standing or wandering around his yard, looking sort of aimless. They weren't paying any attention to Sam.

The cows were nowhere to be seen, which made Sam a little worried. His grip on the shotgun tightened.

Finally, the alien nearest to him turned its head to look directly at him. It stayed that way until Sam figured he'd better do or say something. He had no way of knowing how these aliens communicated so he thought he'd try something.

He raised his hand and said “Hello.”

Genius, he thought to himself.

He was, however, rewarded when the alien also raised its hand and replied, “Hello.”

“Are you lot here for my cows?” Demanded a no-nonsense Sam.

“...Cows?” The alien was pretty expressionless but looked sort of confused. “No.”

“Are you here to invade us?”

“Invade...you?”

“Yeah, like take over the planet.”

“Oh. No...no.”

(this alien had an irritatingly slow way of talking. Sam guessed English wasn't it's first language, to be fair)

“We don't...invade. We don't...want your planet.”

“No?”

“No. It's a mess.”

Sam couldn't argue with that.

“Do you want to meet our leader?”

“Do you...have one?” Asked the alien.

“Well we got a bunch of them, but they're always fighting each other, so that's a bit pointless.” Sam hoisted his gun up a bit and the aliens shimmered for a moment, then came back when he lowered it.

“Hey, what was that?” He asked.

“We don't...use weapons. If a threat is directed at us we just...disappear.”

“Neat trick.” Said Sam.

He leaned his shotgun against the door, sat on his stoop and lit up a smoke. The aliens, who had all gathered behind what seemed to be their leader or spokes...alien, looked on with interest.

“So,” He said. “Last guess. Do you want our women?”

Sam was a lover of pulp fifties science fiction movies, so he knew this was a possibility.

“...Women?”

Okay, clearly not. He decided to try a different tack.

“My name's Sam.” He said, standing. “What's yours?”

“...Name? We...don't have names.”

“Well, where are you from?”

“Oh, yes. We come from...a place called” It made a sound like “Nirvania.” “We are all...Nirvanian.”

“Like, Nirvana?”

“We get the reference, but...no.”

“So, you don't have a name I can call you by?”

“Do you need one?” Asked the alien.

“Kind of helps.” Said Sam and thought about it. “How about Jeff?” He suggested.

The alien made something akin to a sigh and said yes, “Jeff will be...all right.”

“So does that mean you're all Jeff now? Asked Sam.

“We think as one.” Said Jeff.” So...yes.”

“Must be a bit boring.” Said Sam, who lit another smoke because, truth be told, his nerves were a little frayed, and sat back down.

“It occurred to him to ask: “So how did you get here? Wherever you're from, must be a bit of a trip.”

Jeff (or, the Jeffs) seemed to think some before answering: “We...know a...shortcut.”

“Smooth.” Said Sam. “So now, for the million dollar question: What have you come here for?”

Another inner conference before Jeff replied.

“Bunny rabbits.”

“...Bunny rabbits?”

“Yes. We want your bunny rabbits.”

“Do you...want to eat them?”

Jeff's eyes widened.

“Eat..them? Um, no.”

“Then what do want to do with them?”

“We just want to give them...their own place.” Said Jeff. “We've made...a moon.”

“A moon? For bunnies?”

“”Yes.” Jeff got a little enthusiastic now. “It has burrows, and carrots, lettuce, all the things bunny rabbits like.”

“And...you want to take all the bunny rabbits there.”

“Yes.” Said Jeff.

“Can I ask why?”

“Because they are...cute. And fluffy. And...nice to each other.”

Sam guessed the aliens had never watched Watership Down, but decided against bringing it up. Suddenly curious, he asked: “Where'd you get the carrots?”

“We've...been here before.”

“Ah, makes sense. If it's just a hop, skip and a jump.” He chuckled at his sort-of-joke. The aliens didn't.

“So why haven't you already stolen our rabbits?” Asked Sam.

“...Studies were...needed. Also, It takes time...to build a moon.”

“Daresay.” Said Sam, never having done it himself. “So...you know there's a LOT of rabbits on this planet right? How are you planning to scoop them all up?”

“We have...a bunny rabbit detection device.” Said Jeff.

“Of course you do.” Said Sam with something of a sigh.

“But how are you planning to fit them all in that spaceship?”

“It's...bigger on the inside.” Said Jeff.

“Of course it is.” Sighed Sam again. He lit another smoke.

Far across the world, Chelsea Sugar was sitting on the sofa in her Birmingham flat, watching daytime TV and eating crisps. Her large white bunny Hector was sitting next to her, contentedly munching on celery sticks. Oprah came on, so she turned the volume up and gave Hector a scratch behind the ear.

“So,” said Sam. “You're going to take them all, and plant them on this moon. You know how fast these guys breed, right? You might need another moon before long.”

“How...do you deal with all...the...breeding?” Asked Jeff.

“Oh we kill them.”

“You...kill them?” If it was possible for Jeff to sound and look horrified, this was his best effort.

“'Fraid so Jeff.” Said Sam. “They're pests here. They eat our crops.”

“You can't...grow...more...crops?”

Jeff gestured at the expansive land around them, outside Sam's farmlet, and the hills beyond.

“Well for one thing, it's not my job to feed the buggers, I got better things to do. And for another, I don't own that land so I can't be planting on it.”

“Own...”Jeff seemed to be ruminating on the word and concept.

“Yeah – um...see, we divide the land up between us. Some have more than others. I can't do anything with theirs.”

Sam had clearly lost Jeff with this, and guessed the idea of individual ownership was a bit...alien to these guys. Then a thought occurred to him:

“Wouldn't you like to take the pussycats as well?” Sam had no more love for cats than rabbits (mostly he liked cows). “They're cute and fluffy too. You could maybe make them another moon-”

“No.” Said the alien flatly.

“...No?”

“No.” Jeff repeated.

“Pussycats are mean.”

Sam shrugged: he couldn't argue with that either. Bunny rabbits it is then, he conceded.

Over in Birmingham, Chelsea Sugar came out of the shower in a robe, her hair freshly washed. She was getting ready for her late shift at the local curry house. She plonked herself back on the couch, gave Hector a scratch behind the ear and set about drying her hair while EastEnders played on the TV.

Sam stubbed out his smoke, rose, and stepped off the stoop. He spread his arms expansively.

“Okay Jeff,” he said, “in the interests of goodwill between humanity and...Nirvanians, you are welcome to all our bunny rabbits.”

Jeff straightened up and made a noise, sort of hm, which could have meant either thank you or, not like we were asking permission. They looked at each other for a moment.

“It was...interesting...to...meet you – Sam.”

“Damn, Jeff,” said Sam, “interesting doesn't even cut it for me, mind blowing is what it is.” He paced back and forth for a minute.”No one would believe this if I told them.”

Jeff regarded Sam for a moment, but it was pretty plain they didn't much care about him or humanity in general. Sam shrugged, he could relate to that.

“So how long do you reckon it'll take you?”

“Not long – a day or so.”

“Very efficient.” Said Sam as all the Jeffs turned to go and a horrible thought came to him.

“Hey wait! Wait wait wait.” He yelled. Jeff turned.

Sam ran up to them, close enough to touch the saucer for the first time. He really wanted to but there was something more important.

“Jeff, Jeff, I gotta tell you one thing. Not all the bunny rabbits are pests.”

“...No?”

“No, a lot of people keep them as...pets, say.”

“...Pets.”

“Yeah, as in companion anima -no, that won't do, like – friends, you know?”

Jeff looked mildly confused.

“So like, if I took away one of your Jeff – friends, that wouldn't be nice, right?”

“Jeff looked like he understood. “No, we don't want anyone to lose their friends.”

“Cool.” Said Sam. “So let's be a bit selective about the bunny rabbits shall we? Go for the ones in the wild.”

“The...wild?”

“Yeah, where hardly any people live.”

“Yes Sam. We shall be...selective.” Said Jeff.

“Good man.” Said Sam, and instinctively extended a hand. Jeff looked at it, and touched it once with a finger. Close as it gets, thought Sam.

“Thanks man. Happy trails.”

Jeff again looked a little confused but shimmered and disappeared. The saucer flared up and shot into the night sky, leaving Sam a little blinded. Besides blinded of course, a little of what you'd expect from having met aliens in the middle of the night. He checked the time, about 2AM. He could squeeze in another couple hours sleep, but didn't rate his chances. He checked the cows, all present and correct, and sat the heck back down to ruminate on his stoop.

There was an unearthly light in the window, same time as Chelsea Sugar switched off the evening news. There was a humming and a thrumming. She cringed and clutched Hector to her breast as the door swung open. She sat terrified as a spindly, big headed thing appeared, framed by that light. It took a step in, and its face made something resembling a smile on seeing them together. It turned and left her alone.