Breakfast

The room was like any I had seen on any episode of Law and Order or other police procedural. They invited me here, said it was voluntary, but I knew it was not. After a while, I lost all track of time. I dozed off and then woke with a start. I’d read somewhere that Thomas Edison slept for an hour or two at a time, around the clock. Not much different from my own bouts insomnia.

I wanted to leave, but there was nothing I could do, not really. The two detectives—a man of about fifty and a woman in her mid-thirties walked into the room.

I asked, “How long is this going to take?”

“Perhaps ten minutes,” said the male detective.

The female detective, a pretty blond sat across from me. She looked too pretty to be a cop.

I had placed myself in the metal chair, my back to the wall.

The mane with the salt and pepper hair sat next to her as if they could hardly bear to be apart. I had been in love once a long time ago.

When he opened the folder and took out the instructions, I knew I had not been so clever after all. I had hoped I would have two, maybe three days to get rid of the damning evidence.

He slid the paper, sealed in an evidence bag to me. “Read these,” he said:

I picked looked at the bag and tried to smooth the wrinkled plastic, so I could have a better look at the paper, but I knew what it said. These were my instructions. I cleared my throat and began to read out loud:

1. Remove from mantel

2. Dust thoroughly—it’s been up there a while

3. Dip a cotton swab tip in white vinegar

4. Find a painted spot under the hair and rub swab

5. Check paint color on swab, to ensure different hue

6. Select 10 walnuts, about palm size from the bag in the pantry

7. Lift handle on back until jaw dislodges

8. Place one nut at a time in the wooden mouth

9. Jerk handle until jaw snaps against upper teeth (Provide enough pressure until you hear a crack, but not so much it breaks)

10. Release jaw and let nut (with shells and paint flecks) fall on to the counter

11. Do this for all ten walnuts

12. Using the edge of your right hand, scoop nuts and shell pieces into your left palm.

13. Empty pieces and shelves into a counter top food chopper bowel

14. Make sure blades are set properly into bottom of bowl and screwed in tightly

15. Lock the lid securely.

16. Use short pulses or pulls until nuts, shells, and residue paint chips are finely chopped

17. Pour individual pack of instant oatmeal into a cereal bowl

18. Add 1/3 cup of water and microwave for 30 seconds or until oatmeal bubbles to top of bowl

19. Remove bowl from microwave and let it set for two to three minutes.

20. Add fine powder of nuts, shells and paint chips (previously tested for lead with swab) to cereal bowl of cooked oatmeal

21. Season oatmeal with brown sugar, cinnamon, and salt for robust flavor

22. Serve prepared oatmeal to spouse and ensure concoction is eaten

23. Repeat process for several days, until gastral discomfort is reported

24. Replace nutcracker on mantel

25. When there are signs gut has been perforated, offer to call 911

26. After third refusal, insist on taking him to hospital.

27. Remain in waiting room until he is taken back by triage nurse

28. Leave immediately

“There is just one thing that I don’t get,” he said. Why did you write all of this down?