Breakaway

I look out of the window as I rub my baby boy’s back. I’d just gotten him to sleep after spending a long day with him and his brother. It’s finally quiet. I close my eyes and let out a sigh. Being a mom is so different than I imagined. Motherhood is glamourized and no one really talks about how difficult it can actually be. Although there are amazingly blissful days with my boys, there’s also the exhausting days. And my boys are more than worth it.

I get up slowly and carefully lay Amir down so I don’t wake him again. I put his blanket over him and walk to the other bed and do the same for Aiden, kissing his head softly. I walk out of their new bedroom and close the door softly.

My boys are truly the best thing that has ever happened to me. It’s easy to forget how blessed I am when it comes to them because of everything going on around us.

But I wanted to change that for them. They deserved so much better than what we’ve gone through the last couple years. They’re so young and deserve the world. So I uprooted us, found us a new home for us to be happy in. They deserve to be happy and they deserve for me to be happy too.

I head to the bathroom and stand in front of the sink, looking at myself in the mirror. I see a brown skinned, brown eyed woman staring back at me. She sighs and blinks at me. It’s strange looking in the mirror and no longer recognizing yourself.

It’s honestly been a rough couple of years and you can tell just by looking at me that it has taken a toll on me. The dark bags under my eyes, the tangled mess I’m supposed to call hair and just my overall posture. I straighten my spine as I notice I’m slouched. I force a smile on my face but you can tell it doesn’t reach my dull brown eyes. I look like I’ve lived a full life but I am only 24. Life has really done it’s work on me.

I decide on taking a shower as I know I won’t have time in the morning. My kids usually wake me up with hugs and kisses and jumping on my bed. I switch on the water and let it warm up as I get undressed. Then I step in under the hot water and let it do it’s work on my tense muscles. The water washes the day down the drain. Chasing after two toddler boys can really take a toll on you.

Enjoying the feeling of the water beading down on my skin, I grab my body wash and washcloth and wash my body. Doesn’t take long before I’m covered in the suds. I stay in the shower for a while. It seems to be one of the only places I feel peace these days. I turn off the water and step out of the shower, wrapping a towel around my body. I turn off the light and walk into my room after washing my face and brushing my teeth. I dry off and then get dressed in a t-shirt and some underwear.

I pull the covers back and climb into bed, ready to end this day. I hear my phone ding and dread checking to see who or what it is. I pick up my phone anyways. It’s a text:

Derrick: I miss you

I stare at those three words for a while before I put my phone back on the table beside my bed as tears escape my eyes. I roll over on my back and stare at the ceiling thinking of everything that has brought me to where I am. This is what I need; a fresh start. But that doesn’t change the fact that I want to say it back so bad. I miss you too.

I cannot let him ruin this for me. Moving here was a good thing. The best thing I could’ve done for me and my boys. We deserve this. And so much more than what Derrick was willing to offer. I press my hands to my face, willing the tears to stop.

They don’t and I find myself just crying myself to sleep.