Break the Ice

“It seems like I do not know how to trust, and my insecurities get the best of me. Then I start accusing my girl of cheating on me…”

Kane was in a one-on-one counseling session with his counselor. He was in inpatient treatment for alcohol. He was also there for anger management for his assault charge he was convicted on a few months back. But he knew he had a problem drinking. He has been battling alcoholism since a teenager.

few weeks earlier

Kane was being evaluated for alcoholism. the questionnaire during the outpatient assessment of the evaluation for recommending the level of drug and alcohol treatment required for a patient asked how many times a day do you consume drink alcohol? Kane wrote everyday. After Kane finishes the assessment he goes outside and takes a big sigh of relief.

few weeks later

A few hours before the one on one session with his counselor, Craig, Kane attempted to get hold of his girlfriend, Sierra. It was hard being away from her, knowing she was still drinking and partying.

Kane was having a panic attack because Sierra answered then hung up. He called back and she said she couldn’t speak and to call her tomorrow. It was loud in the background like she was at a party. His anxiety went up. He felt his heart start racing. He stood up and decided to walk the hallway. No one around due to group sessions. The anxiety was overpowering his being and he found it hard to breathe. He went outside to the smoking area and sat down. He worried that his girlfriend was with someone else at the party. Why couldn’t she talk to him? Why did she say call tomorrow? He heard the echo of people laughing in the background in his head when he called. He replayed in his mind the words that were said.

He heard, “don’t answer it.” “I have to.” And she answered and said, “hey babe, sorry I’m busy call me tomorrow.” The only word he could get in was ‘babe’ and she hung up. He tried call her three more times to no avail.

He looked up and seen his staff.

“Hey Kane, you going to group?” Eddie the staff asked.

Kane took a deep breath, “Yeah, that’s what I’m here for right?” He got up and thought he would express what happened in group.

He got to group and sat down. Someone was sharing about how there morning had gone and the lesson they learned.

“Yesterday when we were talking about giving our power away to people, places, and things. Yeah, so ah, I was going about my morning as usual, go out smoke come back use the bathroom. Well today, I came back to use the bathroom and the toilet got plugged up. So, I’m like, oh shit it’s not going to stop filling up! And this toilet is fucking pink. Okay. So, I’m like damn, I need to go find a plunger before it starts overflowing right. Hahaha. (Other people in the group kind of laugh.). So, I hurry downstairs and go to the boiler room and ask the janitors and they can’t find a plunger, right? Haha so I check the storage rooms downstairs upstairs still no fucking plunger. And the toilet starts overflowing because I go back to check on it quick. Now I am getting mad at this pink fucking toilet, right!? Haha and then I and walking around saying good morning to others and I’m pissed inside myself, right. Going around fake smiling hahaha. And finally, I realized that this pink fucking toilet was my higher power taking all my energy for half the mornin! Hahaha. Like I literally gave this pink toilet my energy. Hahaha. Oh, and the plunger was in another room in their bathroom. I just wanted to share that story with you all this morning because it was funny shit.”

Laughter filled the room. Echoing in the dining area and gym floor. Kane smiled and realized his smile was fake as well. Because he was hurting inside. An emotional pain that causes the heart to somewhat throb.

“That’s a good story to remember, take note everyone when you give your energy away to people, places, and things. Remember the pink toilet story. Hahaha.” The counselor of the group said.

The counselor; his counselor asked Kane if he wanted to share. Kane denied.

Kane just kept replaying that brief conversation inside his head. Analyzing every detailed sound as if he was there witnessing her hanging out with friends, drinking her favorite drink, smoking weed and hanging around guys. Ouch, the possibilities of that faithfulness being withered down to betrayal. How could she do this to him he thought. She said she wasn’t going to party. She said she be more supportive. He couldn’t hear what others were sharing. From time to time, he would hear something relate to him but he just focused on that last call.

Group ended. His counselor could tell he something was bothering him. He called his name.

“Hey Kane. Want to go have that one on one?”

“Sure.” He said as he was putting his chair away.

The counselor started to walk away and glanced back motioned Kane to follow him.

Kane started to question the way he thinks and how thoughts keep looping in his mind and how it’s hard for him to stop the loop. He wondered why he thinks differently about Sierra when she isn’t around. He remembers his ex-girlfriend played him when he was at his first treatment center. That was a while ago.

They entered the counselor’s office. The counselor put his files away in a drawer and sat down.

“So, how is it going?” He put his hands together on his table.

Kane and his counselor made eye contact. Kane had the look of someone who was very uneasy and wanted to break through the ice.

Kane closed his eyes and redirected them to a angled down focus and faded into his thoughts and emotion.

“It seems like I do not know how to trust, and my insecurities get the best of me. Then I start accusing my girl of cheating on me…”. Kane said. He sat there staring at the bookshelf.

The counselor sat there. Kane resumed to speak, “I don’t know why I’m so attached. Like, I get easily jealous when we are around people, the slightest look sometimes, I’ll whisper, ‘you know him?’, but when I think of it I know she wouldn’t cheat on me.”

“But then I go back to thinking she is because why would she be faithful? I then don’t know how to let it go and ruin the night by asking questions. I don’t know.” Kane said.

“What you think it is?” He asked.

The counselor asked, “Kane. Have you ever cheated?”

Kane was silent for a minute. “I mean, to be honest. Yeah.” He put his hands on his head. His right leg was moving indicating he knew he had to be honest with himself.

The counselor made the same gesture and kicked back in his office seat and put his hands on his head. “You know, well, guilty conscious can be a major factor, maybe abandonment issues, learned behavior from parents, many things can lead to jealousy and insecurities. Low self-esteem, prolong alcohol use. Since you been here you have spoken about your girlfriend and concerned about her using when you get out. I think that in your early recovery if you do not want to break up with her and stay with her because you hear you say you really love her and she is good to you, I think best thing is to accept her using or drinking if it doesn’t put you at risk. Because we must remember you are here for you, no one else.”

Kane said, “Sometimes I feel cold with my words. I say hurtful things and I say them without even thinking sometimes.”

“I want to share a story with you. It’s metaphoric but take it how you want. And this might help with you thinking before you speak as well. It’s called the frozen pond thought process. When we first become sober and start detoxing, we have this feeling of thawing out from being cold. Especially if we came from a life of crime, deceit, and things that go against our morals at times. So, in this thought process and how we come out of these realms. From scheming and manipulating we learn real fast that on our surface we must freeze over to protect the warmth inside ourselves. So, next time you speak to Sierra think about unfreezing your emotion, thoughts or what have you. Think about that, before every sentence you speak to her. And be honest with her as well, even if it makes you break up. Honesty is much appreciated. She will appreciate it and you will too. It releases us from our own prisons. We hold our selves’ captives and lash out because then we think others are doing what we are doing behind their backs.” The counselor said. He then gave Kane a workbook packet about the frozen pond thought process.

“How do I stop the looping on thinking though?” Kane asked.

“That information is in there in that packet. I will be in, in the morning and give you another phone call in the morning but before we do, we will discuss about this packet. So, try and do this section right here.” He motioned to have Kane hand the workbook to him. He skipped to a chapter that said, “The Frozen Pond Thought Process. “Do this chapter tonight and it will also show you how to stop the looped thoughts.

“Ok, Thank you Gary. I appreciate it.” Kane said with some glimmer of hope inside himself.

“Your welcome Kane, and don’t thank me, thank Creator, I am only the messenger.” Gary said with a smile on his face.

Kane went back to his room to look at the workbook. He skipped to the chapter. He stayed up most of the night reading the chapter. He was able to process the information and get the idea behind the metaphor behind the story. Writing things down was like chiseling at the occasion, situation, or business meetings. To chisel the frozen pond down so we can be fluent like water among our peers, spouse, co-workers, and ourselves. When we talk to ourselves, are we slowing down enough to ask where that thought is coming from. And help us chisel down the ice so we can break water. There was also a metaphor on how the fisher man makes a hole in the pond to fish. He thanks the fish for bringing itself to this dimension to feed our families. This is a healthy network for thought processes as in for the fisherman. We must dig a hole to break water. We prepare our tools to catch the fish. The tools and the fish are like our emotion and thought. We connect the right emotion and thoughts together allows us to connect. To use logic and to speak to the fish which is the thought and ask what is real and what is not. The tools are the references. So, what are the references or circumstances that led to this fishing hole?

Kane could comprehend this structure of thinking and he happened to practice it that night. He broke the loop from his mind.

“Hello?” Sierra answered.

“Hey. How are you?” Kane asked.

“Hungover?” Sierra said.

Kane first thought was to say, ‘did you cheat on me?’ But he reminded himself of the frozen pond. It allowed the water to flow through. He said,

“You have fun, why couldn’t you take my call last night?” Kane asked.

“Kane, I love you and I am not going to lie to you. I cheated on you last night.” Sierra said.

The pain hit. Think of the frozen pond. Can’t, wait. Think, I felt that I felt that. I knew.

“Yeah, hey it happens. I been had a guilty conscious too.” Kane said.

“What you mean?’ Sierra said. She sounded sad.

“I cheated on you too. I never told you.” Kane said.

“Thank you for being honest.” Sierra replied.