Black, White, Grey

He's been touring and I'm in the middle of filming a show so it's been months since we last saw each other. It was nothing out of the ordinary for us but why does she have to be the first thing he brings up?

"Remember Erica?"

"Of course, it's not like you don't talk about her in every conversation we've had," I roll my eyes. "Just spill."

If I recall correctly they've been hitting it off and he practically had heart eyes when she came into conversation. Wait. Bringing her up, the nervous energy flowing off of him… I prepared my heart for the worst and turned on my actress switch as a smile pulled across my lips, this couldn't be good.

“Jeez you're so impatient. You're to first to know but actually... we're dating now."

“Wes I'm so happy for you!”

These were honest words, even if my smile and entire rest of my reaction was a lie. There is little difference between acting and lies after all.

“Thanks,” he chuckles before adding, “Remember I’ll always return the favor if you have someone you like.”

How does that work when that someone is you?

“Thanks Wes, believe me I know,” I laugh.

“You're not hiding it from me right? No secrets," he joked.

“No secrets,” I smiled. No secrets… except for this one.

Now for the hardest part of this all, watching the girlfriend separate the grey areas in Wes' and I's relationship into black and white. The official "meeting-the-girlfriend" was at the theaters. Our usual of sharing popcorn and exchanging quiet comments during the movie… became a "them" thing, leaving me eating popcorn from a bucket far too big for myself and feeling empty. I still laughed and joined the conversation, but Wes could tell I was off. Luckily it's easy to blend lies with the truth and I just said I was tired. I just didn't specify it was from the emotional draining of unrequited feelings and not physically from work.

A few days later, I got messages from Scott and Malik in our "feelings" chat. After the initial shock, they made earnest attempts to cheer me up and although we were all busy, they demanded we video called once I was off. Regardless of time. By time I had texted to let them know I was home, foot barely through the door, my phone rang with a facetime notification.

“You know there is this thing called patience right?”

“That is reserved for people who keep us updated,” Malik countered.

“Whatever,” I rolled my eyes but as I noticed the background behind them I dropped my voice, “are you guys in Malik's room?! Don’t you share a room with him?”

“They're sleeping and we aren’t that loud so it’s fine. We’re on the other side of the room.”

“So how are you?” Scott interrupted before I could rebut.

“At least someone cares,” I joke, "but well… I’m better than the first day I heard the news but that can’t really say much.”

“I still can’t believe how dense he is. You’ve had a crush on him for five years, I’m sorry but how has he not noticed?”

With his annoyance, Malik's voice raised and we all froze as we heard rustling coming from the other side of the room. No one moved for a good few minutes to ensure Wes was still sleeping.

“Malik, keep it down,” Scott whispered angrily.

“My bad! It just sucks that one friend is hurting our other friend and he doesn’t even know,” Malik hissed. “I’m surprised the feeling lasted this long even after everything.”

“I just… I don’t know why I can’t get over Wes. I mean when I figured out I liked him five years ago it was the thing that I’ve liked him for awhile already and no matter what happens or how many times my heart breaks… that feeling is still there. I mean I, without a doubt, can say that he is my first love. I don’t think I’ll love anyone as much as I love Wes… Oh jeez.”

Before I knew it there were tears streaming down my face. This was the first time I've vocalized just how much Wes meant to me and hearing it aloud just made everything so much worse. I gave a dry chuckle, trying to furiously wipe away the tears but to no avail. The emotions I’ve held back for so long took the chance to spill out. After pouring out my heart and the boys' clumsy comforting through the screen, my chest felt lighter but that just gave pain more room to fill and I wasn't sure which one was worse.

Luckily the pain subsided enough to allow me to properly pretend to be myself by the time I was to have dinner with Erica and the band. The girl in question was running late and would meet us at the restaurant. It was organized chaos with several boys talking over each other about various topics, mainly food, but it was hard to miss the nervous glances from Wes when it's happening so constantly. Confused, I tiled my head, mouthing a “what?” at him but he just shook his head and smiled. Upon Erica's arrival pushed me out from my spot across from Wes as she greeted everyone. Throb. Scott and Malik helped to distract me but Wes' bizarre behavior of being jumpy and anxious towards me threw their efforts out the window. With a morning schedule as an excuse I left first but not without Wes waiting with me for my cab.

"Are you okay? You've been kinda weird all night," I asked as we waited.

"Nah, I'm fine. Was just nervous if the guys would like Erica or not."

"Oh, okay."

I knew it was a lie. Something was bugging him but I won't pry. That's not how we were, it just naturally comes out. I could never really badger him either when I’m now keeping two big secrets from him…

Two weeks passed. I’m currently staring at my phone, living room strewn with things that need to be packed, as I tried to figure out how to text the boys I’m leaving without everyone getting mad at the last minute notice. I knew they would all be happy for me, even encourage me, but there was something about all of that that made it harder for me to go. Still contemplating, my ears perked at my door opening to reveal a disheveled Wes. He was breathing heavily but the troubling factor was his eyes, red and filled with confusion, betrayal, pain… damn it, too late I guess.

"What happened to no secrets? Why is it that I had to find out you're leaving from overhearing your manager?!"

“Wes calm down, no one knew-"

"Why? Did you just want to disappear before I could say anything?"

"I have my reasons for hiding it just like you have your reasons for your weird attitude lately," I countered.

I wasn’t the only one who was going to be confronted. If we’ve already reached this point might as well get some answers.

“I'm not, I just don't know how to act when- It's just-" he ran a frustrated hand through his hair before he quietly asked, "Are… are you leaving because of me?"

My heart stopped. As the pieces fell in place, the color drained from my face. It makes sense. His strange actions and that nagging feeling that I’ve been having that something was wrong…

"How long?"

“I-”

“Wes don’t act like you don’t know what I’m asking.”

"Three and a half weeks ago..."

That far? The only time I would have talked about it where he could catch it was…

“… you weren’t asleep were you?”

“I was! But I woke up because of Malik and well…”

Panic flushed his face as he explained himself and I just numbly nodded in understanding. I couldn’t help but sigh at what was unraveling right now. I got careless.

“Can we just go back to normal please? This whole treating me like I’m porcelain, I hate it..”

“I- I just… don’t know how to act. You’re my best friend and I love you but-”

I cut him off before he finished. The pure confusion written all over his face reminds me why I’ve hidden this for years. I’m trying not to let Wes’ actions get to me… but it does. It fuels my anger more, I don’t need pity and I don’t need protection.

"Wes, there is no option where I’m not hurt. Would you leave Erica to be with me? Or would you just not date anyone to protect my feelings at the price of your own? Do you think I’d even be okay with you doing that?!” I snapped.

He stayed silent, trying to find an answer but the growing conflict that spread across his face was the only answer I needed. I let out a sigh, so much has happened. Him dating Erica, getting that overseas audition, him finding out about my feelings… it’s overwhelming. I take a moment to collect myself before I speak again.

“Sorry, I just… I hoped to never have this conversation.”

The lost look in Wes' eyes broke my heart, I know that look. His nearly perfect mask to hide his feelings had only one flaw, his eyes. The cracks that showed me everything. They held fear and slight panic as they darted around my face, trying to read me.

“I’m okay,” I offered him a weak smile, “We know each other too well. I knew I wasn't an option, if there was a chance I of all people would have caught it, don’t you think?”

He averted his gaze, the guilt washing over him. I placed my hands on the sides of his face and gently brought him to look back at me. Something done countless times in his moments of weakness, an intimate action that belonged to us, was yet another gray area that was finally finding clarity. Things will change and neither Wes or me are ready to accept it… but we’ll have to learn to live with it.

“Your heart's too big Wes, it's one of the reasons I fell for you, but you know your own feelings. It’s obvious you really like her and that’s okay-”

“But I’m hurting you…”

“Deep down I’ve always prepared myself for this. It won’t hurt forever and I’m wholeheartedly overjoyed that you found someone that makes you happy. So let’s stop this okay?”

“Then why are you crying… stupid…” he questioned with a soft voice.

Wes removed my hands from his face as he drew me in for a hug. I rested my forehead on his shoulder, taking in his scent as his warmth encased me. I succumbed to the wave of tears that spilled from my eyes, his hoodie balling in my hands as I clung to him. It was a while before my eyes dried but Wes still rubbed circles on my back like he always did whenever I broke down. I took a moment for myself to remember this feeling… the feeling of him… before I pulled away.

“I wasn’t running away from you. I got a call for a film I auditioned for… I have to go to London. I didn’t want to tell anyone in case I didn't end up landing the role you know?”

“Oh my gosh that's amazing," he responded excitedly before the remorse set in, "I’m sorry I jumped to conclusions and made it about myself,” he awkwardly laughed.

“I’m not that dramatic. Do you not know me?” I tease.

“My bad,” he smiled, “but we are good still… right?”

“Yeah, we're good.” I responded, poking his side and returning the smile.