Between Two Worlds

Last week I bought this mirror at a garage sale. It was only two dollars. And since I have gotten it, I’ve deeply regretted it. Since I’ve put it up in my bedroom it hasn’t shown me my actual reflection. This has only shown me a different version of myself each time I look into it.

A married version of myself.

This man was married to my ex-girlfriend from high school. One that I distinctly remember moving to Japan last year. Now here she was in the mirror. Looking happier than I had ever remembered seeing her. It was strange seeing her here. She was also pregnant in this strange world. I watched her rub her rounded belly absentmindedly as I sat on my bed. Hands in my lap while I examined this version of us. My copy was at work while she was at home cleaning. Due to her pregnancy, she wasn’t moving all that fast. From what I could tell she was going to give birth any day. And I found the idea of seeing the child we would have had together if…if I had actually proposed to her after graduation like I had planned to had ripped something inside of me.

Tears streaming down my face as I watched her sit down. An hour or so later that copy of myself came home. Holding bags of groceries and a box of donuts. Which she happily took from him Kissing him on the cheek before they moved out of sight. The strange thing that powered the mirror showed them moving to the kitchen to unpack everything that he had bought. She asked,”How were things at the bakery?”

“Good. Everyone misses you and wants me to tell you they’re expecting tons of baby pictures from us.”,he answered. A bakery? That was a job that I wanted when I was out of college. But my father convinced me to take up medicine instead. I had flunked out a couple of years ago. I had to take up a job as a cashier to make ends meet. The idea that this version of me had its own bakery. One that he clearly was running with this happily pregnant version of my high school sweetheart. God, it hurt me. It hurt worse than I was expecting it to. Just why in the world was this being shown to me? To make me regret never trying.

To make me wish that I had more of a spine.

If that was it, it worked. My guts twisted as I stared at the beautiful woman that I wished had been my wife. And I wished that I had the guts to stand up to my father. Tell him that I was my own man. That I could do good work at a bakery and make decent money. But I was too much of a coward and I didn’t.

I didn’t have the guts to tell my former high school sweetheart that I loved her. Or even proposed to her. The reason that I hadn’t before this was the nagging doubt we would even last. That wouldn’t be a good decision thanks to how young we were. Yet here was this version of both of us. I am happy, married, and about to be a parent sometime soon. My heart ached as I stood up and took a blanket from my bed. Covering the mirror with it as I stood there. Tears streaming down my cheeks as I knelt in front of it. Wishing that I had the guts to do anything about this. But it was far too late to become a baker. Far too late to call her up and plead for another chance. She was in another country with a new number and new life. Making friends. Even dating again.

I saw her with her new boyfriend. They looked so happy together on Instagram. Close and holding hands together. Here I was watching what could have been. Miserable. Alone. With not even a pet to keep me company. Resting my forehead against the blanket that covered the mirror, I whimpered,”…I wish I hadn't been such a coward.”

“I still love you, Anna Thorsdottir.”