Between the old and the new

Matty Bartlett sat in the loft of the old red barn. The doors were swung wide open and he dangled his legs over the edge, breathing in the night sky as he tried to catch his breath. Sorrow had him in her sights this night, and as hard as he tried to free himself, the memory of holding his Pops in his arms as he died just held him tight.

He could still see that first look on the old farmers’ face when he stopped walking towards the barn. What was it… anxiety? Then he saw his Pops rub his chest and arm before he sat down on the grass. His face spoke of pain and he was sweaty and cold. Matty panicked and screamed out for his dad who was painting that barn red. Red? How cliché, Matty thought as he rolled a joint.

He could see the moment when the old farmer wanted to lie back and Matty gave him his own lap for him to rest his head on. He could hear him say her name… Sunshine. He saw the distortion of the old farmers’ face untwist, as though his eyes were seeing his Sunshine and she was soothing his pain. Matty was convinced his Pops looked younger during that very moment.

Then his heart stopped. He stopped breathing and there was nothing anyone could do that would bring the old farmer back to life. He died in Matty’s arms and now the old farmer’s grandson felt caught in a memory that haunted him.

Matty inhaled deep, sucking the lit contents of his joint then holding it before slowly exhaling. Now they were living in the old farmers’ house which didn’t surprise him. The good thing about living here is the weed, Matty smiled as he took two shorter hits then leaned back to rest his head on a bale of hay.

"I miss him," Matty whispered as he closed his eyes. Two thick tears rolled from each eye as he saw the old farmers' face once more, this time in a conversation they had in the very spot he was now sitting in not too long ago...

John Bartlett loved his grandson. He knew he should not have favourites but there was something about Matthew that made his heart sing. His middle son - Matthew's father, Christopher, did the same when he was a boy and as a man, they were close. But Matthew reminded him of the simple joy of his every day... something that only his Sunshine was ever able to do. He saw the complexities of Matthew's soul too, just as he did Sunshine's when she first arrived on the family farm back in May of 1969. But what outshone the darkness was her heart for people and John could see that same light in Matthew's.

They sat in the barn loft looking at the orchards that were bearing fruit. It was late summer, and Matthew would soon head back home to the city for the new school year, but John knew there was something on his mind.

"Did I ever tell you of the day I first met your grandmother?" John asked as they sat side-by-side.

"Many times, Pops," Matthew said lightly as he smiled at the old farmer.

"Yes, but did I ever tell you about Stéphane and Carlos?"

Matthew frowned then shook his head no.

"When your grandmother first came to the farm, she was in the company of two young men... Stéphane and Carlos. Stéphane was from France and Carlos was from Spain. They met in Toulouse during the protests against capitalism and America. Stéphane was average height I guess... short when he stood next to me. But he was a hard worker and would mix his own language with English all the time. Carlos was a bit taller than Stéphane and spoke English better than me most times. Wouldn't have known he was a foreigner but for that accent."

Matthew cringed a little but persevered as he listened to his Pop's story.

"Anyway, they met in Toulouse during a protest. The story was they just ran into each other and they fell in love."

Matthew turned his head abruptly to look at the old farmer.

"Yes, they were homo..sexuals- that is the right word?"

"You can call them gay, Pops," Matthew said as he picked at a straw of hay and sat quietly willing him to say more.

"Well, they weren't a part of the protests at all but found out they both had a dream to travel around America so over here they came, and here they stayed. They met Sunshine in Central Park ice skating on a frozen pond. I remember Stéphane saying she was un ange, an angel, and had captivated an audience with her beauty and grace. She was only 15 but she was such an observer of human behaviour. She knew Stéphane and Carlos were more than just mates. So, it was she that approached them, and they formed a friendship.

It was difficult for Stéphane and Carlos to be open about their love back in '68. There was a lot of fear around homosexuality and it was still looked at as a sin against God. So Sunshine, the angel, was like their protector in a way... a part of their pretence although it stained her reputation because people were thinking she was sleeping with them both.

So, they decided to follow the fruit picking and ended up here in May of '69. At first, I wondered who she was dating... not because I was curious about that, but I was curious about her. It wasn't long before Stéphane and Carlos told me the truth and yes... I was happy because I thought I would have a shot at dating Sunshine... but I was also so proud of her courage to be judged so wrongly by others just to let others love themselves and each other. She was truly un ange."

“What happened to Stéphane and Carlos?” Matthew asked quickly.

“They grew old together… the four of us went to Woodstock then we went our separate ways. They came to Sunshine’s funeral… both so heartbroken. But they had each other and that was important for me to see.”

“Why, Pops?”

“Well, at that time I needed to know that all the gossip and criticism my Sunshine had faced was worth it. Of course, it didn’t matter to her and it was before my time but knowing that the woman I loved was thought of so wrongly hurt me. Seeing how open Stéphane and Carlos were with their love for one another at Sunshine’s funeral helped me heal in a way.

Now I see it differently. After Stéphane had passed a few years back, Carlos wrote me a letter. He had a way with words and the English language,” John said with a slight smile. “Waters, he wrote, are like currents in our soul that hold our emotions. So, when waves of happiness and love crash on a beach we can either ride the waves like we’re surfing, or sit on the beach and watch everyone else have fun, or stand ankle-deep on the shoreline and wish to go deeper. The choice is ours.

Likewise, when the waters of sadness and grief seem too deep, we can either dive and explore what’s down in the deep water or panic and look for something to keep us afloat, so we won’t drown. Understand?”

Although Matthew was only 15, he nodded while he digested the words and began to ruminate over what he had heard. John continued.

“Then there’s the icy waters of doubt and hatred that threaten to freeze us over and trap us in perpetual fear. So, we can either skate on the frozen water and make a mockery of our fears, or we can stand to the side and never try. Carlos wrote that when they first saw Sunshine skating on the frozen pond, she did not have a care in the world. She was smiling and the wind lifted her hair, and the coolness painted her lips and cheeks pink. She moved with love and grace, and her arms were wide for balance while her hands were open as though she was inviting them to skate with her. Carlos wrote that when they saw Sunshine that first time, they found the courage to face their fears.”

Matthew nodded as he smiled and looked into the old farmer’s eyes.

“I know you have fears son,” the old farmer said as he placed an arm around Matthew. “I am with you”...

... And now you’re not, Matty thought as he stubbed the tip of what was left of the joint.

He stood and stretched before he climbed down from the loft and closed the barn doors for the night. He walked slowly back to the house, laughter and music teasing his ears and making him smile. He loved being on the farm. His mother always told him they’d be guided home one day, and he knew they all felt home when walking the paddocks and digging their hands in that Bartlett farm soil.

When he walked into the lounge his sister, Emily, ran to him with a photo in her hand. She was laughing, as were the rest of the family.

“Look at Pops in this photo,” she giggled some more as she handed it to him. “Can you believe he did that?”

Matthew smiled at her then looked down at the black and white photo. John Bartlett was standing bent at the knees with his arms stretched out in front of him. He seemed to be attempting a squat but on a closer look, Matty could see people behind him. He was young… maybe in his mid-20s. He wore a thick overcoat and had a beanie on his head which made Matty frown as he knew how much the old farmer preferred the heat to the cold.

Then he saw them. On John’s feet were a pair of ice skates and as Matty’s eyes scanned the background, he realized his Pops was on a frozen pond attempting to skate.

“Can you believe Pops had the courage to do that?” Emily asked again then spun and re-joined their youngest sister on the floor to look at more photos.

He conquered his fears, Matty thought as he wiped over the image of his Pops with a thumb. He could smell tobacco being carried on the slight wind that came in through a window and knew his Pops was with them. When he looked up at his parents, Matty met his fathers’ eyes with his own then inhaled and smiled as walked slowly towards him.

“I’m gay,” Matty said and waited for his response.

Thank you for taking time out of your day to read my seventh piece of Vocal's Summer Fiction Series! If you enjoyed it, please send me a like by clicking the heart below or by sending a tip. I appreciate your support.

The story starts with "Sunshine and the moon's shadow: the old barn" and will end with "From August to September: Bartlett pears straight from the tree".