Being "that" friend

I've always been told, I was way too quiet to have a big friend circle, but somehow I did. I never questioned why I made the friends I did until a little intervention came my way.

Growing up being raised by an entire family of introverts, I always thought that being quiet and "respectful" was the norm, "always be a listener" said my mum on a regular basis. I'm sure she meant it for my own best, but it gradually made my life miserable, being a listener ruined my perception of the world.

Grade 9, one of the best and worst moments of my life came from my time in the 9th grade. My first day was interesting, I approached my only friend, who then introduced me to her new friends that she made in class, thus we made a huge friend group, over time many people joined the group and left it eventually. But the people who started remained. 'Pam' was an all-time dance champion who was basically the leader, 'Karry', Pam's little minion, 'Andy', 'Sid' 'Addy' & 'Yuri', were the ones who started and remained in the group.

They were... loud, extroverted and mean, but I didn't care for I finally had friends who were "cool". They would tease me for my accent and the way my face always looked "sad", but I found it playful, "It's just playful teasing right ? They don't mean it..." I would think to myself regularly. Following my mum's directions, I would only listen, well not voluntarily, since they never bothered asking questions about me or as a matter of fact, even talk to me, but I was still considered a friend by them.

They eventually started teasing me for yet another thing "Why're you so quiet all the time haha, like you never talk !" I would just sit there awkwardly trying to laugh, but it did make me realize something, everybody talked, why didn't I talk as much ?, why was I a listener? how did my mum know it was the "right thing to do"? I started to thinking about it.

They never included me in school, never thought about me, were mean all the time, and were never even interested in being my friend, I was just given that title and nothing else, never the efforts of friendship. I was quiet because they never bothered to listen, I was yet another girl who wanted "cool" friends. I tried gaslighting myself into thinking they were good people, were putting effort into the friendship, and were kind. But over time even my brain wasn't convinced.

I was stuck in this friend circle, stuck in this toxic environment until finally came my best friend "Self-Respect". She was a lot to handle before, not gonna lie, but she was the best. She, from that day onward, stayed by my side, she did not like bad people such as my friends, and anytime I went near them, she would just walk away. Self-respect only stayed beside me when I was with good people, both me and self-respect liked good people. So I stuck to good people for the sake of me and Self-Respect.

I was grateful to my counselor for introducing me to Self-respect. I'll make sure she sticks to me like gum. I'll never leave her side.