Being Dead

Nobody asked me if I wanted to be dead. The universe didn’t host a game show where I got to pick what was behind door #1: an all-expense-paid vacation; door #2, a comfortable retirement; or door #3, DEAD. I was just walking down the street when, literally, a bolt out of the blue hit me square on the top of my head. In fact, it was a 10mm, case-hardened, steel bolt from a plane traveling at thirty thousand feet that worked itself free. Nice one Karma! Who knew, luck has a sense of humor.

The first thing I realized (seeing would not be the verb to use any more) were vultures gathering around my lifeless body. We have lots of vultures where I lived, but these were wearing suits and talking to my widow about liability claims. Guess I’m worth more dead than I ever was alive. It’s good to know she’ll be alright. Naturally, the vultures will get even richer.

For those of you waiting to hear about me being “drawn to the light” or cast down into the “bowels of hell”, fuhgeddaboudit! If life won’t allow itself to be organized into tidy little boxes, what makes you think death is any different? It certainly hasn’t worked out like that for me. Just because I’ve stopped breathing, it doesn’t mean the universe is through with me.

If the laws of physics are correct, matter can be destroyed, but not energy. My body, the matter part, was quickly eliminated. That supported the first part of the law. What do I do about the second part? Although energy can’t be destroyed, it can dissipate. So, how do I keep myself together? Like an old soldier, do I just fade away? (Thanks for that General MacArthur). If I can keep it together long enough, I might become a poltergeist and play tricks on unsuspecting and really deserving mortals. Maybe, if I’m able to remain intact, I can get recycled, or reincarnated if you prefer the high-brow term.

This possibly being my first time dead, I don’t know the rules. It’s not as if I can go to the library and ask to check out “The Book of the Dead”. Besides, if my signal strength fades while I’m in the recycle queue, what do I come back as, a bear, a dog, a cat, a bird (just not a pigeon please) or a bug?

Then I had a brilliant idea! I’ll hang out at the local power plant so I can suck up some energy. Of course, that didn’t work! If it did, we’d have so many dead folks hanging around power plants that no live person would want to work there.

No, there must be a better way. Eventually I asked the one entity I was sure would know about these things, the Universe. After all, it was the universe’s weird sense of humor that put me in this situation. Now it was time for a little help. I asked and waited and waited and waited. The thing about being dead is time is on your side. You can wait for a long, long time, but it gets rather boring.

Finally, I got my answer, not from my cosmic nemesis, but from the one source I have relied on my whole life, and now death, myself. Willpower saw me through the tough times and pushed me to do better during the good times. What a great idea! I will be a self-generating force. I can keep myself together because I want to. Since I’m no longer restricted by matter, the universe has gone from being my foe to becoming my playground. I’ve always dreamed of traveling to the stars, and now that dream, and many more, can come true. Oh, I’ll be back in a few centuries to look in on the great-great-great-grandkids and the world overall.

Who knows, I might even try the recycle thing, but probably not. I think I’ll be having too much fun to rejoin the living. Before I go on my grand adventure, I will hang around long enough to see if my wife would like to join me. After all, traveling with my other half is much better than traveling alone.