Before The Pizza Gets Cold

“Pause… pause the film! That was the door.”

“Good thing you heard, I wasn’t paying attention. Is it the pizza?”

“’Course it’s the pizza, who else would it be at this time?”

“Yas! Nice and fast.”

“That’s what she said.”

“That’s what you said. Gimme! This mamma is hungry!”

“Veggie… there you go. And… yep, definitely meat feast. Perfect. D’you want a plate?”

“Think I’ll be okay thanks.”

“Pizza out the box is part of the experience, eh? Oh, you need a top up. Rosé again?”

“Mmm… please! Thanks boo, you’re the best.”

“I know I am. Sorry though, I’m taken.”

“What a shame... Actually, talking of your better half… oh, thanks... this Wednesday,”

“Yeah?”

“I was wondering if Thomas would like to come along too? It’s just gonna be you, me and Jason for the movie, and Maisie might join afterwards, depends on work.”

“Or, maybe… I could just… stay home?”

“Why?”

“Because…”

“You don’t wanna come?”

“Well, I wouldn’t want to third wheel.”

“Oh, ha ha! Real comedian. Can you pass the… yeah, thanks”

“Dude.”

“What?”

“It’s really, really obvious! How can you not… see?”

“What, do we give off those vibes?”

“You, a bit. Him, so much.”

“You were able to make that judgement from meeting him once? No way is that… hang on… I do?”

“Okay, okay you do give off the ‘vibes’ but I’m not a hundred percent sure. I mean, do you?”

“Give off vibes? You tell me!”

“No… like him.”

“That’s a loaded question...”

“D’you want the bottle of rosé for this one?”

“Honestly? At first, no, I didn’t. Like him I mean, I’ll take the bottle. He’s just not my type.”

“You don’t have a type with guys though?”

“Yeah, okay no I don’t. Like, girls - easy, I know exactly my type, guys... What I mean is… I just didn’t click with him at first. He likes a lot of things I don’t like which is kinda a tell, at first at least, and in a funny sorta way we’re like ying and yang, y'know, opposites attract or some chiz. But there’s also some quirks that I couldn’t get behind, so it just put me off trying, I guess. But since I’ve opened up to him more, which as you know is not easy for me, I really think… I do like him?”

“Uh huh…”

“Don’t side eye me. He just makes me feel safe, okay? He makes me laugh, he accepts me for all the mess that comes with being ADHD, which people just don’t do… But I’m the worst. Cause there’s this - gnawing - at the back of my mind about my family and their opinions, and I can't shut it out."

“Faye, as much as I love you, and eh you love your family, and I know you care too much about other’s opinions… maybe don’t base your actions on what their opinions might be. You gotta do what’s right for you.”

“Of course, I know that! I wish I didn’t care what others think. But when it comes to people I care about, I just do. And it annoys me so much.”

“Nah I get it. It takes some courage to say ‘Okay, it doesn’t matter what my family thinks, I'm going to explore this cause I deserve to, and to understand myself a bit better, blah blah blah’. Look, at the end of the day it’s going to be more of a hindrance to you if you choose your family over you. Eh… where are you going?”

“For the bottle of wine you didn’t bring through.”

“In the middle of my speech?”

“Yep.”

“Fair enough. There’s another one in the fridge you can get.”

“I did hear you, by the way. It’s just that, it’s not just that. I know for a fact that I want to see him all the time, and the thought of him not being in my life makes me… uncomfortable? I… Look I really don’t know how to explain it”

“Pwy”

“What?”

“Pwy me…”

“Eat the pizza, then speak.”

“Try me.”

“… promise not to judge me?”

“Nope.”

“Great, thanks. Okay, well… I struggle to understand these feelings, like my feelings.”

“Towards him? That’s not exactly complicated.”

“No, not about him. I want to be honest with him, and I want to get to know him more but I’m fucking scared of these feelings… like affection and stuff… I can’t really describe it, but it’s like I’m not allowed to feel them… like I haven’t earned them or something, if that makes sense?”

“You mean like how you take an insult like a hug, but a compliment like someone stripped naked in front of you and you don’t know where to look?”

“I mean… strange way to put it… but, yes.”

“No, that tracks.”

“I just don’t know what to do when someone shows they love me. It scares me Aria, it scares me so much. I feel myself physically shut off from advancements, or, kindness, like my body bloody knows that as soon as I feel love and happiness, I’ll also feel… pain and loss… and it won’t let me have part one for the fear of the inevitable part two! I don’t choose it; it just does it.”

“Very poetic.”

“Are you taking me seriously?”

“Of course I am!”

“You were the one who asked!”

“No seriously, I am taking this - very - seriously. You’ve got some unresolved trauma thanks to your piece of shit ex who abused you, manipulated you… love bombed you… did I miss anything?”

“Eh, guilt tripping, gaslighting, oh, and used me when he needed me and then ignored me for porn and gaming…”

“Okay, variation on a theme, but, yes, all that shit. I mean, that and… or… and slash or… correct me if I’m wrong, you don’t think you deserve that love and affection and respect from someone you think deserves more than you?”

“Yes! That’s it! It’s selfish.”

“What is?”

“Taking someone for myself.”

“Jesus Christ!”

“Aria! God! Don’t just slam that, it could break!”

“You deserve good things too y’know?”

“And your glass deserves not to be shattered…”

“Faye…”

“What? I’m sorry, okay? I just can’t understand how anyone can see me like that, why anyone would like me like that. I just don’t, okay? And whenever anyone has ever been interested in me, it’s been what I could give them… if you get me…”

“I get you need a therapist.”

“I don’t do therapists.”

“Start charging me then.”

“Okay, when I first met Jason…”

“… Oh, we’re back to that…”

“… I had a crush on this other guy. I mean I really liked him…”

“Luke?”

“Irrelevant. He made me feel seen and special, and he made me laugh so much, up late at night talking about God knows what, but just as quickly as those moments happened, so did the weeks of trying to actually get him to talk to me again. I know I became hung up on the idea of him because he confused me, sent me mixed signals…”

“No, I remember. You wouldn’t shut up about him.”

“Really?”

“How do you not remember? Maisie and I told you how we were just as confused as you were… and we were the ones who told you he was stringing you along as some 'backup validation' when he needed it.”

“Oh, sorry. I forgot that was you guys.”

“Thanks. I feel so noticed.”

“Sorry, I just have so many conversations I can’t always remember who it’s with… anyway! I met Jason about that time, so my heart was taken right? I didn’t see him in that way. I couldn’t! And I’ve just had shitty luck anyway. Did I tell you about the guy I asked out in high school?”

“Eh…”

“He loved literature, so what did I do?”

“You…”

“I wrote him a love letter. I thought I was being cute, but no, what did he do?”

“These are rhetorical, aren't they?”

“He read out the letter to all the boys in the rugby club.”

“Guess ‘things said in the locker rooms, don’t, stay in the locker rooms’ for guys.”

“My friend in the rugby club told me about it. Punchline? Found out he’s gay.”

“So... a class Gay jerk… eh…”

“That’s just the start…”

“My gay humour is wasted on you.”

“I had some 19-year-old ask me out when I was 14, creepy guy wouldn’t stop messaging me. When I finally worked out my sexuality I had this massive crush on a friend of mine and she did a one-eighty on me in the name of the other friend in the group, because when she says we’re both her “best” friends, what she really means is she’ll take the side that speaks first… learnt that about girls the hard way…”

“Not all lesbians are like that y’know?”

“’Course not. Then, I almost end up groomed by a cosplayer…”

“What?!”

“Ew Aria, dude, finish drinking before speaking…”

“When did that happen?”

“Eh… pass me a napkin please… three years ago? This guy was love bombing me and called me his “cosplay crush” and stuff and I had agreed to meet him at a con down south and well, went on Instagram 2 weeks before the con and a cosplayer I was following had put up a ‘beware of this creep’ video with that very guy who was outed as a groomer.”

“Jesus that was close.”

“You’re telling me. Then I had a couple of friends, married… when I say friends I mean I met them once at a convention and they were so lovely, but they confessed straight away that they both had a crush on me and wanted me to be a third in their relationship.”

“A unicorn.”

“A what now?”

“You not heard that term?”

“No?”

“Oh, it’s like when bi or pan or anyone who like, likes more than one gender - cause y’know lots of umbrellas under that blanket - and then couples, who, let’s be bloody honest, they ain't lasting long in their marriage, or whatever, find said bi or pan or other person to fill the void in their relationship.”

“You mean ‘a lot under that umbrella’?”

“That’s what I said”

“Sure. Well, yes, they wanted me to be their… unicorn… but I said no and they didn’t stop and kept pushing for me to come down and were getting annoyed when I didn’t message and I kept saying no…”

“No, no. Boundaries. That’s so messed up that they just kept pushing and not taking no as, well, no.”

“No means no. Exactly! Then…”

“There’s more? What the holy f…”

“I ended up being led on by this guy that I liked. I mean he was doing stuff with me that only couples do.”

“FWB.”

“FW… No! We were not friends with benefits. Like spooning and holding my hand and flirting, I mean colleagues kept saying he was flirting with me. Then one night he was readying to have his way with me and, of course, because I still have trauma from my ex, I confessed to him the truth and he was like ‘oh shit, she’s damaged…” freaked out, and played victim.”

“That guy needs to be taken down a peg. I know it sounds toxic, but I will fight him... I’ll fight 'em all! Every single one of them. Not as a group. In-di-vi-du-ally. Like… You know the ghost in A Christmas Carol… Ghost of Christmas present of something… I’m going to be like that. Slip into their windows and scare them. Assuming that’s all of them?”

“Yeah. That’s it… Well, I mean, if we’re not including the creepy stinky 30-40-year-old man who stalked me after he asked me out and I said no I’m gay with a girlfriend and he was all ‘you’re not just saying that cause I asked you out?’, I mean I was, but he also wouldn’t take no for an answer. Oh, sorry, context. He was a customer at my work.”

“Girl, I’m going to need to make a list: “All the people I’m going to fight on behalf of Faye.”

“Pfft, thanks Aria.”

“Anytime! Actually, are you finding it cold? I’m gonna turn the heating up.”

“A little, but I’m fine.”

“Eat your pizza!”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“Right, that should warm up soon… Oi, Lego, down! No, that’s not your… Lego; drop - the pizza - now!”

“Don’t worry, he can have it.”

“Dumb cat.”

“You do know, I gave up on that guy a while ago.”

“Who?”

“Luke. Just in case you thought I was like hung up on him whilst having feelings for Jason.”

“Didn’t cross my mind… But y’know, Jason, I don’t know him too well, but he definitely seems similar to you in a lot of ways; both very kind, friendly and honestly, nonjudgmental. Oh, and you’re both nerdy as heck, think there’s a lot you could talk about and interests you share. It could be worth a gentle conversation about whether you could see each other in that way…”

“No! I can’t! I just… can’t.”

“Okay, that’s okay. You don’t have to push yourself! Look, I can only say what I’ve seen. Like the way he makes jokes and looks at you to see if you laughed, and how quickly he’ll pull you into a hug. And online, he’s hella quick to respond to your messages in the group chat, and always emoji reacts to them too… what?”

“Are you serious?”

“No, I’m taking the piss… of course I’m serious!”

“He genuinely reacts like that? Am I seriously that blind?”

“Yes. Very.”

“How could anyone look at me like that? I’m a bloody potato! A clutsy, careless, overwhelming… potato!”

“Dude, you are way too self-critical of yourself. You’re a good person...”

“I’m not fishing!”

“…I know?”

“I just really, really can’t see it. To me, and I know you’ll argue cause you’re too kind, but I’m not good looking. I’m podgy, physically flawed, overwhelming, annoying… riddled with problems… I’m stuck and struggling in life, I’m spicy brained and disabled… I’m a literal walking tornado… I’m frustrating, and I know I am cause I frustrate myself every-damn-day! I’m also blunt… and don’t get me started on my inability to just be good at one thing – stick to just one thing? Nope. Toe in the door of many things, no talent in any of them... and my specialty? I try to do something good and somehow, I always end up fucking up and making it worse: tried and tested. Between all that, and the stuff I’ve missed, I can’t see why anyone would see me that way… and if they don’t see all that cause I’ve got this… well-rehearsed mask on… what happens when the layers start, peeling off, and they see that I’m really just an ugly mess? … I know I’m just speaking gobbledygook and it all sounds stupid just cause I can’t… I keep feeling like I’m not allowed to feel… the good stuff.”

“Walking tornado, love it… But did you actually breath at any point?”

“Maybe. I don’t know?”

“Okay, you eat your pizza. It’s my turn to talk… You’re not speaking gobbledygook, okay? It sounds like you have a lot of feelings, or thoughts, bubbling around in your head. And yeah, I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through all that girlie. Your feelings are so valid, especially being confused and hesitant, what with all those shitebags doing shitty things… and I know this probs isn’t gonna make you feel better, but I do understand some of what you went through. I have my skeletons too, don’t worry… which I will tell you about later cause we need one sane person between us at a time… well, mostly sane. And like, I get what you mean by you feel like you need to earn feelings but y’know you don’t right? Actually, this is something my therapist said to me… she said… something on the lines of ‘you never have to earn feelings, it’s like breathing. You’re entitled to breath and you’re entitled to feel loved and valued and respected and safe.’”

“Huh, that’s good.”

“That’s therapy for you, darling.”

“Still not going.”

“We’ll see. Eat your pizza and don’t interrupt. You’re a good person and friend and before you say it, I know you’re not fishing, but like I’ve told you before, you’re my friend so, like it or lump it… heh heh heh. Good people tend to be magnets for shitty people, so, be kind to yourself. It’s taken me up to the grand old age of 28 to finally realize that all the traits and quirks that I thought were bad because people told me that they were, they’re not bad at all. They make me who I am, and your traits and quirks are what make you Faye… make you who you are, and that’s okay. In fact, it’s great.”

“… Thank you, Aria. Y’know I really do genuinely appreciate you and what you’ve said… I guess I really should start paying you, eh?”

“Well, I’m broke as hell, so if you are that appreciative, I wouldn’t say no.”

“Haha, yeah… I’m just so done... and tired… and confused.”

“Yeah, no kidding. Makes total sense… Does this mean it’s ice cream and bad rom-com watch time now?”

“Yeah… I’d like that… thank you,”

“Skipping the rest of your cold pizza? Straight to Ben and Jerry’s?”

“Straight to Ben and Jerry’s”

“I’ll put your pizza in the fridge for tomorrow.”

“What would I do without you?”

“Therapy probably.”

“Probably.”

“You like him, don’t you?”

“I do. I really do… Aria?”

“Yeah?”

“You know that wasn’t actually the reason why I asked if Thomas would like to join us for the movie on Wednesday?”

-------------

Thank you to journalist, and fellow Vocal creator Heather Campbell for inspiring my story.

No characters reflect the personalities or mannerisms of any real person.