Beautiful Brokenness

If walls could talk, I would tell you that it is ok to not be ok. You cannot bear to be around people because it takes so much energy to maintain the mask of Being Ok. My stones are cold and chipping as I watch, helpless, while your tears pour out and your heart slowly freezes.

“I think we should just be friends.” He said it over text. I watched over your shoulder as you recoiled in shock. 10 years. You were together for 10 years, and this is how he responds to your “I miss you” and your question of whether he is in this for the long haul.

How shitty.

You are at the bottom of a dark, deep well and it feels like you will never be ok again. I wish I could tell you how beautiful and treasured you are, even in your brokenness. Like the ancient art of kintsugi, you are a mess of broken shards joined together with gold; a colorful mosaic in the shape of a 40-something year old woman with paint all over her hands and the floor.

If I could talk, I would tell you that it is ok to cry. It is ok to be broken. That is what makes you beautiful. Do not be afraid that others will see. Do not be ashamed to take Valentine’s Day and your anniversary off of work to be with me, in silent companionship. You do not owe the world your company or your energy. And, when you’re ready, you will get up, wipe your eyes, splash your face off with cold water, then sink back into bed again.

When you are ready, you will pick up the colorful shards of your heart and glue them back onto the masterpiece that is You. You will realize that they have been breaking off for the past 10 years – even before he sent that cold-hearted text message closing the door on your dreams that you would grow old together.

You will see that you never had a chance. That no matter how much you loved him, you were not the sweet, naive girl of his dreams. You were strong, independent, and willing to fight for who and what you loved. Over time, your bitterness will fade and you will be grateful that you no longer have to run towards a mirage that continuously accelerates farther and farther away from you. You will learn to look for the small blessings in each day, appreciate the gifts you have been given, and be grateful for the people who love you and will never walk away.

My dear girl, as you sit in a pile of colorful, frozen, broken tears, with your head in your hands, I would tell you that you are not alone. That you are enough.

There is a wondrous world outside of your front door, full of adventures and beauty. Your friends and family are a phone call away. Your chunky orange butterball cat is sitting by your feet, waiting for you to play with her.

Your future self is waiting to dance in the rain, run barefoot through the woods, and fall in love with your life. So, when you are ready, you will get up and not sink back down this time. You will wash your face, brush your hair, and change out of those pajamas you have been wearing for the last few days. You will open the front door and let the sun shine on your shoulders, a cool spring breeze blowing through your long hair.

The world is waiting for you.