Beating the Bull at His Own Game

Inside an Illinois juvenile detention center you will find a small sign posted in the hallway to remind each and every detainee of an important message. It reads, He who angers you controls you.

I still remember how I felt when I heard that saying for the first time. Could it be that the 'bullying bull' that I had been dealing with in my life was merely bucking and reacting as a result of their own powerlessness? This person in my life who was so often angry and who often made comments which made me feel belittled and powerless in their presence.

It would be extremely unfortunate for the bull if this statement were true. The bull who works so hard to maintain a certain level of intimidation. The bull who depends upon the rousing of its opponent as a tactic for success.

I believe Shakespeare said it best in Henry V, Act 4, scene 4.

'The empty vessel makes the greatest sound.'

Or was it my gram who said it best? This was undoubtedly what my grandmother must have meant. I lived with her for three years in my twenties. I arrived with a good head on my shoulders but...with child. And on a day when the bull was especially angry toward me she'd walk by and mutter "the empty barrel bangs the loudest." No eye contact needed. Point taken. Touché gram, touché.

It took years of what I thought would entail the strengthening of my exterior skin but actually just ended up being a process of realizing where the control actually lies within the relationship of the bullying bull.

Elizabeth Kenny once said "he who angers you conquers you." Which is where that sign in Illinois must have originated from.

If 'he who angers you controls you' were true then it would be apparently so. For you would find many public instances of 'barrel banging' and instances where the angry person is letting it be known. While the opposing side need not even enlist in the fight. Because their participation is required. Without it, there'd be no fight at all. No show.

Speaking of shows, have you ever seen a bullfight? You have? You heathen. How do you sleep at night?

In the case of an actual bullfight the bull is actually the tormented one. How much of an honor can it be to win against a previously tormented and maimed opponent? Something I would often find myself wondering about the bullying bull in my life as I sat at my own coffee table and stared complacently with no intention to free myself. I still remember it clearly.

In the ordinary world the bulls tactics work best if it is first able to create a crisis situation. I learned that painfully relatable keyword during my first training session as a Registered Behavior Technician. Module 1: De escalation in Crisis Situations. It was then that I realized that my actual life on a weekly basis was, in fact, a crisis situation. I remember this realization hit me hard as I collected my things at the end of my training and threw my lunchbox over my shoulder. I drove and picked my six year old son up from school as usual and headed home hoping it would be a while until the next 'crisis situation'.

I sat staring down at a sticker that a friend had given to a friend who gave it to my mom who then gave it to me. It featured the classic red 'no permission' symbol crossed over an image of a bull defecating. The message is clear. I thought about how far I had come. Living on my own, raising my son, and taking no bull. And then I thought about the bull.

In the bullring at a real bullfight it is the bull who is tormented and sometimes drugged prior to the fight to ensure one thing. That it will be easily conquered. Why don't matadores fight a regular bull without any previous torment or treatments? Why not you ask?

Because without previous antagonization and manipulation of the bull they cannot ensure that they can conquer it.

I folded the edges of the sticker so that it would fit into the pocket of my jacket. I hadn't found a gem like this in years. I decided to keep it close to me as a reminder the next time I come across some bull.

Participation is required or there is no fight, I thought to myself.

And to no fight at all I say, "Olé!"