Artistic Freedom

Monday.

I wake up with a tinge of disappointment that my life hasn't magically changed overnight. No matter. Once I finish my portfolio, I’ll finally become a professional artist and be able to fully pursue my art.

After work, I take the Gold Line down to Blick's Arts & Crafts in Pasadena. There's something comforting about this place–the feeling that so many artists have passed through these doors before–that I'm somehow feeding off their collective creativity.

Looks like the new Windsor & Newtons are in. These are authentic kolinsky sable brushes and are supposed to hold more paint. They're a little on the expensive side–around $15 per brush, but they're worth it if they’ll make me a better artist. I grab a couple more things from around the store and the cashier rings me up:

Winsor & Newton sable brushes, sizes 0 to 2.

Charcoal pencil set.

Bristol paper pad.

$59.60

Well, that was steep, but at least I'm pursuing a passion instead of wasting my money on something like drugs.

Home now. Time to test out the new brushes. I sit down to paint, and pull up a picture of a model on my phone. She's beautiful. I love the way her zygomatic arches define her face. I put brush to canvas and start painting.

Fuck.

I try again.

Fuck.

I can't seem to get the lines right. Anyone who's seen this model will know how different she looks from my drawing. My chest tightens. I think the problem is that I'm trying to draw people. Maybe if I went back to basics–did a still life and just concentrate on basic shapes. That'll help me get better.

Tuesday.

Heading down to Blick's again. I love this place. The colorful rows and stacks of paper remind me of a renaissance painter's workshop. I wonder if Michelangelo ever struggled with zygomatic arches. I grab a couple things and the cashier rings me up:

Wet palette.

Artist’s manikin.

Tracing Paper.

$47.50

I pass by the farmer's market on my way home, and end up grabbing a bag of jalapeño peppers. These would make a great subject. I love how green they are, and the way their glossiness catches the light. Everybody does grapes and oranges. Nobody ever thinks to do jalapeño. That'll help me stand out.

I get home and realize I don't have any jalapeño-colored paint.

Fuck.

Should've grabbed some while I was there, but I didn't know that I'd be painting jalapeño tonight. A real artist would know how to mix paints to get the exact shade they need, but I’m just not there yet. I have to start thinking like a real artist. I just have to get better.

Wednesday.

I head over to Blick's after work. I love this place. I should've brought the peppers with me, but I don't think they would've allowed them in store. I head over to the paint section. They have an entire shelf devoted to green. The changes in shade make me think of a forest floor in spring. I pick through their selection and settle on Phthalo Green. The cashier rings me up:

150ml bottle of drawing ink.

Mahl stick.

250ml jar of Phthalo Green acrylic paint.

$29.95

Once I'm home, I pose the peppers on my table. I dip the brush into the pot and dab it onto the canvas.

Fuck.

It's not green enough. It’s more of a British Racing Green than a Phthalo Green. When I was standing in the aisle at Blick's, I had both British Racing Green and Phthalo Green in my hands. This is Phthalo Green. I should've gotten British Racing Green.

My chest tightens again. I wouldn't be making these kinds of mistakes if I was good. I should've been able to see that jalapeño is more British Racing Green than Phthalo Green. This is so bad. I have to get better.

Thursday.

I wake up to a text from a friend. He's asking if I want to grab a beer tomorrow night. I tell him I'm in the middle of a project. It's nice to be able to stop working on Fridays, but I have to get better. He says that sucks, but he'll try me again tomorrow.

I take the Gold Line down to Blick's. As much as I love this place, I wonder if people struggle as much as I do. There are so many artists out there, you really have to be exceptional to get noticed.

Oh, they have the new Raphaels. They're also kolinsky sable, but some people I follow online swear by these. I pick them up as well and the cashier rings me up:

Raphael sable brushes, sizes 0 to 2.

Art book.

Pastel set.

$41.95

Oh, and this kneaded eraser.

$44.75

I get home. I sit down to paint and end up staring at a blank canvas for several hours.

Fuck.

When did the thing I love become the thing I hate the most? If I was good, it should just flow out of me as if a muse was guiding my hand. I feel the tightness in my chest again and decide to sleep it off. I have to get better.

Friday.

I wake up to the smell of rotting jalapeño, so I throw them out. Should probably swing by the market again to grab a new subject. I'm thinking peaches. Everybody does grapes and oranges. Nobody does peaches. That'll definitely get me noticed.

I thought my friend was going to text me today. I would have said no, but it would've been nice to be asked. I guess he forgot.

It's been five years since I decided to become an artist. I've sacrificed a lot to get here, but I know it'll all be worth it in the end. I need to be able to get the pieces out of my head so that I can start to enjoy the world outside.

I have to get good.

I have to get better.